am i completely awful?

so to try and make a very long story as short as i can. parents never married, mom had a stroke at 24 when i was a 5. that left her paralyzed so from then on her mother raised me and took care of my mom. my uncle who lived with us for years was an abusive sh** head to everyone. me, my mom, my grandmother. the girls hed date and eventually his wife. not really was it ever physical but emotional. just fits of rage and self inflicted damage like, punching walls and other stupid sh** like that. well as i grew older and began dating. the first 3 women i dated were all for a number of years and very serious. they all cheated on me. i didnt realize it then, but now i realize that i was controlling and obsessive. traits i had noticed in my uncle. i was never abusive but i was always paranoid and accusing them of flirting and avoiding calls because they were on the phone with a guy or hangin out with a guy. just real crazy sh**. and so it seems as though i pushed them to cheat. the guy who was the other man during the last of those three actually tried to murder me and the woman involved once. it was on the news and we had to move. so after that, i moved back home and kinda lost it all. i was living with my mom, grandma, and same uncle. who now was an alcoholic and pill head. i went to sh**, i lost my job, car, and self respect. i began drinking and eating pain pills all day everyday. trying to take care of my mom and grandma, because at this point my grandmother had developed alzheimers. but i knew i was just an awful lonely depressed human being at this point. so my dad who never was really around cuz he lived 4 hours away mostly, offered me his couch to get back on my feet. so i moved there, stayed with him for a month and found a job within a week so i moved out with a cousin. i stayed for 2 years and i almost got a a dui and should have, but it was thanksgiving at 2 am, so i felt blessed. but i was so depressed while i was there that i knew i had to get back to my old friends and family back home. so i moved back on christmas day to a friends floor. i then found a job and got a place of my own within a month and im still there 5 years later. my grandmother passed last year and my mom is now in a nursing home developing dementia. so since the girl who almost got me murdered, i hadnt dated anyone until a year ago. her father killed himself when she was 8 and i am 15 years older than her. but she had been with 30 men in 4 years, had no job, and was sleepin on someones couch, and was a junky and drunk when i met her. i felt like i needed to save her. and in most senses, i did. shes not done any drugs, she only drinks occasionally, she has a full time job that i gave her, shes got a home that she pays rent for... well about 6 months ago she was working alot. like 80 hours week so our sex life died. i felt rejected and i began to take it out on her. i pushed her to the point of breaking up with me. but i am the only guy she dated for more than a month, and the only one she ever loved. i believe that. so now i just dont know how to not keep doing this. how do i stop pushing people away, or why do i push them away. i say the worst things i can, i attack all there weak spots. like i am totally evil. and i want to stop this. i miss this girl and she lets me in from time to time ands killin me cuz i want to change for myself. but i want her back too. im just f***ed and i need advice.

mr. blindside