Help need some advice!

Hi Tash87

Your post has been waiting about a bit, I don't know what's happened to all our friendly posters! I hope you are still with us!

Sounds like you can generate a really good anger trance - so powerful that you don't even notice what you're doing! It takes some people ages to learn how to block out awareness of things. You say that you also walk away from the situation when you notice that you're getting angry - that's pretty sensible! Do you find kicking the door actually helps you calm down? Have you tried using the 7/11 breathing technique when you get worked up? It's easy - you breathe in for a count of 7, and breathe out for a count of 11, and carry on until you feel better. It works quite automatically, because this pattern of breathing activates your body's natural relaxation mechanism, and the counting helps to distract your head from whatever was bothering you.

You could give that a go when you need to calm down.

You seem to be having problems with one particular teacher - do you have a mentor at school you can talk to, or is there one of the teachers you can trust?

Kathleen

I've got anger issues that are both similar and different, but either way, I feel for you, and here's my two cents on the different parts of your post.

Although I've never blacked out during a fit of anger, I've definately had apple-red knuckles at times. I know someone who's family has a history of "blackout" type anger, and I'll be seeing her tomorrow, so I'll try to ask how her brother and father deal with it. It's easier said than done, but try to remain "there" and aware of where you are and what you're doing.

I used to be big on destroying things, and I also used to hurt myself in my high school years, but I learned to channel it into different things. You can't ignore anger or rage, and I often don't think of counting to ten or taking deep breaths when I'm ready to beat something, but here's what I do now and used to do when I was in high school:

--If you write, scribble down some notes. Whatever's on your mind. Make it as seething and spiteful as you want. Scribble furiously in the side columns of the notebook if you need to let off steam. I used to write extremely graphic and gory horror stories as well as death metal songs, or I'd jsut rant and rave and rage. Whatever is irritating you, write it all out. TWO BITS OF ADVICE: (1) DO NOT LET ANYONE SEE THESE NOTES. This is going to be you at your worst, and you don't want to scare people and make them think you're going to go psycho on them. Tear pages out of the notebook and toss them away in a dumpster or other safe place f you really don't want them in there. (2) DON'T MENTION ANY NAMES. Even if someone inparticular is irritating you to the breaking point, don't mention their name in any of these writings. Refer to the person only by gender "I really want to hit him," "I just want to scream at her." Sometimes making a "hit list" may seem funny and may get all the people you hate down in one place, but making a list like that is a very bad idea for obvious reasons: someone could find it and blow the whistle on you. Sometimes it's good to have an online journal you can post at, but just don't share the URL with anyone you can't trust. I've got a LiveJournal myself, but I don't always post everything because I know who reads it and I don't want them to mistrtust me.

--If you're into music, write lyrics or songs. I've got a Geocities site with a whole bunch of personal songs on there. (PM me or something if you want to see what I'm talking about.) One thing that I found EXTREMELY theraputic for anger was drums. I always liked percussion, and I found that drumming is an excellent way to beat the crap out of something safely. I've also got into the habit of shadowboxing recently.

As for the teacher harping on you... that gets tricky. Other teachers don't understand, any the other superintendants just don't believe you if you try to say that a particular coworker of theirs has a grudge against you. Depending on how your relations with your parents are, I'd say you might want to try to talk to them, and maybe they could talk to a superintendant. A teacher's superior may not listen to a student say "This particular teacher is giving me a hard time," but they might take it more seriously if they hear another adult, a parent, say "Look, this teacher is giving my kid a hard time and making his life more miserable than it needs to be."

Kicking the door on the toilets may make you feel better for the moment, but eventually it'll get to a point where not even that will make you feel better, and if someone catches you breaking the school apart, things will get worse. Trying to control a rage while you're drifting from classroom to classroom for 8 or 9 hours a day until school is over is DAMN tough, but it can be done. I learned to turn my onto other objects (drums, notebooks, small breakable objects that nobody is going to miss) until I could get home and deal with it properly. I know what you mean when you say "I'm afraid I could hurt someone" - I feel like that at times right now (my story will pop up on the forum later, but I don't have time right now). I used to hit my best friends if they said something that set me off. Eventually I learned to keep my arms at my sides. My thoughts would be racing, my blood would be boiling, but I forced myself not to open my mouth or raise my fist.

This is probably a long post, so I'll try to recap.
-I don't know what causes blackouts, but I'll try to find out and get back to you. From what I've seen, it's possible to run in the family since my friends' father and brother has it.
-Try to remain at the scene at all times. Easier said than done, I know, but it's possible.
-Channel hate into something. Keep a personal scibble journal for anger management, doing something physical but safe like play drums or shadowbox. If you're into music, write lyrics or songs.
-Seriously mention to your folks that there's a teacher that's giving you crap.
-Really, REALLY try not hurt anyone. Clench fists and glare all you want, but do not raise your fist at someone or spout off something like "I could kill you and you're entire family," becasue things get really, REALLY ugly from there.

I'm 21 (going to be 22 next week), so let me tell you that I've been there and come out the other side, though I'm still having anger problems becasue of recent events. Despite what anyone says, High school is NOT the best four years of your life - it's a long four years (like a prison sentence) but once it's over you'll feel great. It's just getting through those four years without killing anyone that's the tricky part.

Okay, it took me a few days to get back to you, but I talked to my friend and she says that you ought to talk to someone about this becuse it's serious. Either a really close friend or a counselor or possibly even a psychologist. I've been told it gets worse if keep letting it slide.
Best of luck to you, I hope my advice was worth at least something.

That was some good advice, Mike, thanks for your input! Hope you will stay around on the forum!

Kathleen