I don't where to start.
I'm depressed.
Severely depressed. And have been nearly my entire life.
But it's getting worse. Female. Nearly 42-years-old.
As I get older, I think more and more about suicide. Last June, I was in my backyard, and I realized I was surveying my trees, looking for a branch that would be appropriate to someday hang myself from.
At this point, I'm still much too scared of failing, and only hurting myself in a brutal way. But I am out of hope. I have no hope this will ever get better. I've accepted I'll be wallowing in this miserable mess forever.
What if I live until I'm 80? That would mean I'm barely halfway through this hell, and I hardly remember my childhood, so that was the easy stretch.
I have a daughter - 9 years old. I've never liked being a mother. Since hour 1, I loathed it. I picked a shitty father for her, and her dad treated me like garbage through my pregnancy, then did everything he could to ditch me. No child support, no every-other-weekend off. Nine years later, I still ACHE to have back the person I was before I had a kid. I can't get used to having someone with me every waking second.
I can't have relationships. With anyone. I have ZERO female friends. I moved back to my hometown and now I remember why I ran halfway across the country to get away. I'm so different from everyone here. I think differently.
I haven't had a boyfriend in 10 years, and that was her sham of a dad. My life is such a mess, I wouldn't subject anyone to it, anyhow.
My finances are a mess, my house is a mess. Everyday life just overwhelms me. Being at work is mentally exhausting. My kid's chattering literally agitates me...and I mean mentally disturbs me.
Last year, I decided to drop money on a shrink. My insurance doesn't cover it until after a deductible I'll never meet, so I arranged for every other week. This woman had rave reviews and I thought she was a fraud. She spoke to me for about 10 minutes and after that, it was all hypnosis and EMD therapy (I think both are great; but I feel like I clearly needed to work some things out with some discussion first). So there went about $700 I didn't have.
I just need to vent. I'm going through a really tough patch, and as I mentioned...it's getting worse...so my tough patches are worse.