I lost the love of my life

You are not going to get real help with your anger issues in an anonymous online forum.

Whatever issues you had in the past with your mother are exactly that, in the past. They don't give you a reason to be who you are today or tomorrow. A big mistake people make is wasting their time trying to figure out who to blame, when they need to be focused on what they will do now.

Your anger issues most likely are a result of feeling a lack of control and you never developed the skills to handle that feeling in a non-violent manner. It doesn't matter why you never developed those skills. To develop the skills requires effort, building your self-esteem, recognizing it is okay to be wrong, learning alternate ways to deal with conflict, etc. Move forward, not back.

jorrr7297 wrote:No one knows how it feels to truly lose your best friend & the love of your life all at once. All relationships aren't perfect & have almost every argument there is, but getting through it is what matters. I hurt my ex in so many ways possible due to issues I have in my life that were never resolved. She still found a way to love & care for me. She was always there for me & even I know today she would still be the one person that I could call on. There just comes a time where a person deserves better....it hurt me the day she called it quits, that's when I realized I lost the best thing that ever happened to me, that's when I realized I had to solve the issues in my life, the only thing was that it was too late. Truth is she left because I couldn't control my anger, every time we argued it started to become violent on my part. All I can hear is her screaming & crying, yelling HELP ME HELP ME! That's when it finally hit me that my own girlfriend of almost 4 years was scared of me. What really hurts me the most is that I was the reason for pushing her away because I couldn't control this anger I have. I wanted to get help but I knew it would take me sitting down with my mom whom I'm afraid of. I knew all I was doing was pushing her away. I lost the love of my life & don't even know if I can even love again. I NEED HELP!!! I WANT HELP!!! I want help before I ruin another friendship/relationship.
I dealt with verbal & mental abuse from my mom growing up when I got to 8th grade. Most of it was due to her finding out I was a lesbian & every since then it's been an issue. She doesn't accept it, tries to control my life choices, used to pick my friends, and still tells me things like I need to get a boyfriend. Idk if that would have something to do with my anger. Please let me know, thank you.

Dear Jorr,

It is very good that you decided to seek help, and I do believe We here at the Anger Management Forum can be a substantial Help to you. You seem Motivated, and since most progress with Anger Management depends upon Personal Will Power and Self Discipline, then your Level of Motivation already indicates for Eventual Success. Much also depends upon just basic Raw Intelligence and Cognitive Integrity, in that One must be able to Look at Reality and Basically Understand the Picture – that is, it is very helpful to be Intelligently Connected to the Real World and relatively free of Delusional Thinking. Well, your Post seems to indicate that you are essentially Grounded in Reality. In short, there is Plenty to Hope for in your Case.

BUT, none of this moves fast. It may take more than a year to show any considerable and reliable improvement. You see, the Toughest Hurdle for an Ex-Angry Person is to be Taken By Surprise by some Unexpected Provocation. Yes, once one knows most of the Practices and Techniques of Anger Management and has Practiced them diligently, then one can certainly Face any Situation where one is likely to Expect some Provocation. But we all know that many of the Things that have Triggered some of our most Severe Anger Episodes in the Past just sort of dropped ‘Out of the Blue’ – perhaps some unexpected comment that seemed Rude or Judgmental, especially if we had been under a lot of stress. It is only when Calm Behavior becomes almost Completely Habitual that we can really begin to Trust Ourselves with Others.

So, of course you realize that until you are certain that you have Thoroughly Transformed yourself can you think of entertaining a New Relationship. But if you Can’t Wait That Long, then work to keep you New Relationships Limited to minimize the potential for all of the Stress that could be involved. You must realize that Living with Anybody produces Friction and Stress. Until you are Guaranteed Completely Calm, well, Friction and Stress are two things you need to keep to a bare minimum. Anyway, what do I mean by “Limited”? Well, you can let yourself go out on Dates. Dating is great! People dress up for each other and they are on their Best Behavior. There is Food. There is Entertainment. There is Dancing. What’s Not to Like!? THAT would be Perfect for you. It’s when things get Casual and too Familiar, that Consideration drops and Careless Words are said, and that is What Happens with Moving In, or with too many repeated ‘Over Nights’ too close together. The Thing you are Most Looking For is ‘Best Behavior’, and People can only Sustain ‘Best Behavior’ for a maybe 6 or 7 hours – like a “Work Shift”. So try to keep your ‘Relationships’ inside that 6 or 7 hour Time Frame – that is, before 8 hours go by Somebody has to “Go Home”. If your ‘Date’ asks why, well, you owe discretion to yourself, and so you can simply reply that in the beginning of any Relationship it should just be the Fun Stuff, the Good Stuff, and that the long drawn out Casual Stuff can wait. I do not recommend ‘Being Honest’. If you tell a New Person that you are an Angry Person, well, they will begin to expect it of you, and they will act defensively and if you have even one little itty-bitty Bad Moment then they will shrink in horror and run away from you. But if you do decide to be Honest, let me know what you Tell them. Maybe I just never found the Right Words.

Oh, about the Substance of your Help. Well, I DID go through Anger Management Therapy, back in the Days when Health Insurance covered such things, and it WAS Helpful. You see, my Therapist gave me this Big Fat Anger Management Book and assigned me readings, and then we would talk about it in the Next Session. So I got used to the Idea of Reading the Anger Management Books. So, JORR, are you a Reader? Do you have any objections to ‘Studying’ Anger Management?

Well, that is enough for One Evening. Let me know what you think.