Dating someone with Depression

Whether you stay with her or not, one thing is for certain: you are not going to be able to “fix” her. No matter how good you are to her, no matter how much you love her, no matter how much you try to make her feel better about herself, she is still going to have these problems until SHE addresses them. She is the ONLY one who can make this change! You have zero control over this situation and you need to be prepared for that.

You might think that if you just love her enough, and are supportive enough, you can help her -- but that is an illusion. You are powerless in this situation. So unless you are prepared to go through this back and forth behavior for the long haul until SHE makes the changes deep down that she needs to, you had better get out now.

I have been in similar situations many times in my youth because my own low self-esteem drew me to women who were seriously wounded. I thought if I helped them move through their issues that they would be grateful and this would give me a measure of security. This is a bad strategy... don’t try it! It always fails.

We all have issues or we wouldn’t be in this forum so I am not saying that you should avoid people with emotional baggage. Not at all! The question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you think SHE is genuinely motivated to work through her issues, and if you can put up with this until that time. If so, then go for it. If not, then get out now.

But be realistic – it might take her quite awhile to make these changes deep down, probably measured in years not months.

While the man above me brings some valid reasons to the table, trying to convince you of your powerlessness in this situation is like going to a therapist and hammering on the fact that he hasn't got any power at all unless his patients decide to change.

While it is true that without her will to action you won't get any where, you are most likely to be the catalyst of transformation in her life given the status of your relationship.

First of all, please don't give in to the fear of not being your self, for it is by being the most integral, inspirational version of your self that you will inspire her do be likewise.

Simultaneously, due to her deep-rooted, unaddressed lack of self-love, she might be feeling even more unworthy of your love when you be the most loving partner that you can be.

What is screaming to be acknowledged, validated and processed in this relationship is the dense, suffocating cloud of accumulated pain that has been waiting to precipitate ever since her last break-up, and maybe even longer, but has only been accumulating for the worse.

She needs to deal with her suffering while she has someone so loving as you at her disposal.

Find a way to convey this to her, if you agree with this sentiment of course, as soon as you can manage.

''What you resist, persists.''

I respectfully disagree with Introspectah, although I think it may just be that he or she misunderstood my point.

OF COURSE, if you decide to go through this journey with your girlfriend then you can be a source of support to her as she goes through it. That goes without saying! My point is that you can’t “fix” people’s emotional problems. You can’t love her so much that it will go away, this is just not how this stuff works. She is the only one who can do this, and unless she is full-on committed to some serious emotional growth – which many people are not – you are in for a lot more of this back and forth kind of stuff that you find so distressing.

And even if she is indeed committed to addressing these deep rooted emotional issues – maybe she is – these things still take quite awhile. It’s not like she is going to go to a therapist for a few sessions and have these emotions just disappear overnight. That’s just not the way personal growth works when one needs to address deep wounds such as your girlfriend has. Her journey to wholeness is very likely going to be measured in years.

If that is a journey you want to take with her – if what she gives you is worth the pain of all the bad stuff you described – then as I said in my original post, go for it. This may very well be the best decision for you. And in that journey you will undoubtedly be a major source of support to her! But as somebody who is older than you and has not only been through this kind of scenario many times before, but also has seen others go through this scenario countless times as well, I am just suggesting that you be realistic about what this will entail. It won’t do either you any good – her as well as you – if you decide to go for it but then after another 1.5 years decide it is just too much for you and leave anyway.

So here’s the reality of the situation: the odds are 99.9% that you are going to experience a lot more of this back and forth kind of stuff that you find so distressing before your girlfriend does the difficult personal growth necesary for this to change. And that is IF she does the hard work to begin with; this is no easy task and many people say they want to grow but are not prepared to actually confront the inner demons causing their issues.

And here’s the main point of my original post: there is nothing you can do to substantially accelerate her personal growth. You are indeed powerless there, as any therapist will tell you. Only your girlfriend can make these changes.

In fact, maybe that would be a good idea... go to a therapist for a session or two and get his or her advice. I can assure you, they will agree with my assertions. This is Therapy 101.

akp1990 wrote:I've been dating someone for 1.5 years on and off that suffers from depression.

In this situation I always want to ask, was she depressed when you met her? Did you find that an attractive part of the package? Are you a rescuer? http://www.match.com.au/magazine/articl ... -Syndrome/

If she wasn't depressed when you met her... why is she now?

She later wrote me about how special I am to her, how I don't need to do anything but be myself and that helps her. She mentioned that I mean so much to her even if her actions don’t convey it.

She has repeatedly told me how I am different from any other guy she has met and that I am the most honest and genuine person she has been with.

Well, just because someone's depressed doesn't mean they can't also be manipulative. In fact, ime depressed people have been the most selfish and manipulative around. Just wait till you need a bit of support, because this relationship is all about her. Her needs will always trump yours. "You can't go out with your friends, I'm depressed." "Don't leave me, or I'll kill myself."

I want to stick with her, but I always have the underlying fear that she will leave me

When she wants to leave you, she'll tell you you're too good for her and she's breaking up for your sake. You're a nice guy (dare I say a soft touch?), and she knows you're not likely to leave her. Zero motivation to lift her game.

I let our relationship weigh on me so much that I've slacked on my business. It's doing ok, but could be much better and the anxiety from this relationship has not always been positive to productivity.

I am 24 and don't want to waste my time. But again, it's not time wasted as right now I'd rather be with her than anyone.

I think you are wasting your time, but I don't expect you to act on that. In that case the only thing I can suggest is that you back off a bit, concentrate on getting your business back on track, and stop thinking about her and her problems so much.

I just wish she would let me be there for her during her toughest times.

Ah, but they never do. Best thing for both your sakes is to be much less enmeshed, and I strongly urge you to consider dating other women or doing more things without automatically including her.

I want to be myself, but sometimes I can’t because I don’t know how she is feeling and it can make me act funny when we are together and that is not good either.

Again, you probably won't believe me but you can survive without her ... and from the sound of things, the sooner you do so, the better.

Well, Candid is indeed candid! And this is good! I think you need to be aware of the downside of this relationship, which at your age you might not be. Love does not conquer all. That’s only in the movies.

I would temper what Candid said with the obvious observation that nobody but you can really know all the details of your situation. So who knows, maybe this relationship has more merit than your post would indicate and is still worth being in. But for anyone with any serious experience in these kinds of situations your post sets off alarm bells.

And regarding your fear that your girlfriend will leave you, let me add my voice to what Candid just said... yes, this is a realistic fear. If you think getting involved with a wounded person and “rescuing” them gives you some sort of security, think again. It’s the exact opposite. I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

You want security? Get involved with a woman who is together enough to realize what an incredibly good catch you are AND realizes that she is such a good catch herself that she deserves you!

This is such a common question I made a video about the subject

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cfNRoIQ ... GvQ3sqcMJB

DrowningAlone wrote:You want security? Get involved with a woman who is together enough to realize what an incredibly good catch you are AND realizes that she is such a good catch herself that she deserves you!

Beautifully said. The best and most enduring relationships are those involving two whole people. When one does all the taking (apart from expressing neediness) and the other does all the giving, it's called codependency.

akp1990 wrote:She has repeatedly told me how I am different from any other guy she has met

This is a red flag. What does she say about her exes? I doubt you have 11 fingers or a pointed head. I suspect she means you've already accepted more bad behaviour "because I'm depressed" than the others did. Or maybe not. Maybe they just woke up and realised they too were neglecting their work, their other relationships, their own intimacy needs ... all for the sake of being told how wonderful and different they were.

If and when you disentangle, we can talk about why you're prepared to let the rest of your life slide because you "know she loves me deep down in there". I suspect you had a similar relationship with one or both parents, living on crumbs of approval that let you know they loved you "deep down" while they were verbally or emotionally abusive... but that's another story.

Also, you probably only have her word for the fact that "her ex-boyfriend was never able to commit to her, never told her he loved her". Given her tango with you, it seems more likely she's the one who can't commit.

I've no doubt she's messed up, and if she were writing here about her relationship with you I would be asking how she feels about her family of origin, too. Like attracts like, and it's uncanny how troubled offspring of troubled parents manage to find their "other halves".

My advice, from long experience, is to ask people in difficult intimate relationships to have a closer look at themselves ... preferably before they choose the next Mr or Ms Right. You may well find you're a bit gun-shy of commitment as well, and need the hard-to-get in order to feel so "different" that you're prepared to compromise the rest of your life.

She has a great job, but is looking for another because she is afraid her bosses don't like her and are going to give her a poor raise during the next review. She hasn't been able to find a new job and has all that stress weighing on her this week.

This is her pattern, whether jobs or partners. "All that stress weighing on her" is that no situation ever feels safe to her, and she'll always jump ship rather than face the origin of her depression.

I feel sorry for her, but things will continue declining until she gets the professional help she needs -- and I don't mean medication. That just prevents people facing their issues and living life at full throttle.

In the meantime, you're constantly trying to prove you're "different from the rest" and will continue being the giver, to your own detriment. You'll go on thinking it's worth it, because this is what 'love' has always been like for you.

She will jump ship eventually. If you end it she'll say she was wrong about you, you're just like the rest after all. If she ends it it will absolutely be that she can't commit -- that "deep down", she knows she needs to fix herself first. This relationship has already had an impact on your self-esteem, with a push-you pull-you dynamic that can only get worse if you let it.

Be bold and suggest she stay in the great job and work things out rather than fleeing again. If she goes for that, you can tell her to stay in the great relationship, too -- again while she works things out.

No inclination to stick with it and find out what's really bothering her? In that case, you need to save yourself.

Given her life, she sees everything in life as chaotic, I read that when a child grows up in an unstable home they see the world as unstable, and from my own perspective, that's pretty accurate. I don't know as much as I would like about how girls think, but the best things you can do is to keep her away from things that make her sad, both mentally and physically, distract her mind when she's sad and keep her away from her parents as much as possible.

Never try to make someone happy or you'll always fail, only try to make them smile or laugh. It has to do with obtaining goals and how you keep going stronger when you obtain a goal. When you think about them, the goals of making someone smile vs making them happy, one you don't know where to start and may not do what will work to obtain that goal, the other is easier to think about and to achieve. Try setting your goal to making her smile onc a day, instead of making her happy, and you might find good results.

Never shoot for an abstract goal, that only makes you sad, put it into concrete terms and you'll feel like your doing something.

As for your business, I don't know how big it is, but if you can, find a friend you trust to help so you can afford to be a bit off balance for a while.

Also pay attention to her habits so you know when she needs what, this is more of a personal advice, no real reason why, it just seems like it would make someone feel better to know you are paying attention to them by showing them rather then to just assume you are and only having your word to go off of.

Have a good day!

Oh and I recommend stairing into each others eyes for 5 minutes, no talking, no thinking, no looking else where, only into each other's eyes, just once, unless you choose to do it more.

Even if she has no desire to fight this, giving up should be the last thing you do. Before we can have the will to fight, we need to be inspired or cheered on. Would football be so competitive if no one cheered? Give her time and try what I said above, let me know how it works out, I can't get any better at this without learning what works and what doesn't.
Have a good day!

OF COURSE, if you decide to go through this journey with your girlfriend then you can be a source of support to her as she goes through it. That goes without saying! My point is that you can’t “fix” people’s emotional problems. You can’t love her so much that it will go away, this is just not how this stuff works. She is the only one who can do this, and unless she is full-on committed to some serious emotional growth – which many people are not – you are in for a lot more of this back and forth kind of stuff that you find so distressing.

And i---standing testimony as masculine in origin---respectfully agree with that.

But i disagree with this:
''You are powerless in this situation. ''

He clearly is not.
He will be powerless if she decides that it isn't time for her to initiate the healing process but this idea is not yet established as fact, is it?

I always caution against convincing people of their own powerlessness for that is exactly the opposite of what you wish to see achieved here.
Sure, everything you say makes a lot of sense, but's absolutely empricially + morally wrong (at least from my perspective) to further the dysfunctional cause of disempowerment when the exact opposite route needs to be selected, in any given case.

And even if she is indeed committed to addressing these deep rooted emotional issues – maybe she is – these things still take quite awhile. It’s not like she is going to go to a therapist for a few sessions and have these emotions just disappear overnight.

All good and well, but i didn't mention the likely duration of this healing process.

Her journey to wholeness is very likely going to be measured in years.

Likely and equally unlikely.
You're not in a position to determine that for her.
In fact, the more people are hearing of such statements, the likelier it is that the prophecy will be fulfilled.

Oh placebo, pla-cé-booo

It won’t do either you any good – her as well as you – if you decide to go for it but then after another 1.5 years decide it is just too much for you and leave anyway.

With all due respect, you don't know that either.

Maybe it'll have done her good. And maybe you're largely letting your own subjective experiences do the talking instead of taking into account other possible scenario's such as the both of them having evolved beyond needing eachother anymore, and the small, seemingly insignificant contribution our man here has paid to her setting off a gradual snowball-effect.

We don't know, thus i caution to refrain from taking sides before the particular event has even occured and unfolded.

So here’s the reality of the situation: the odds are 99.9% that you are going to experience a lot more of this back and forth kind of stuff that you find so distressing before your girlfriend does the difficult personal growth necesary for this to change

Mate, why don't you just flat-out state that there's no chance whatsoever their reality will look any differently than you imagine, for 0.1% surely isn't much, eh?

What are the odds of that?

And that is IF she does the hard work to begin with; this is no easy task and many people say they want to grow but are not prepared to actually confront the inner demons causing their issues.

That's the main issue all of us involved are faced with.

Thinking of retreating in the metaphorical lab to experiment with a recipe for this suggestive remedy.

And here’s the main point of my original post: there is nothing you can do to substantially accelerate her personal growth. You are indeed powerless there, as any therapist will tell you.

And any therapist who states this with absolute conviction has already succumbed to his own despair, and is bound to collapse into his own abyss quite soon, or eventually later.

Only your girlfriend can make these changes.

True, but that does not mean that her relatives, acquaintances, and potential professional counselors can't empower themselves to inspire her own self-empowerment.

Basically, you inspire people to be likewise.
If you adopt an attitude of desitution, you stamp and squeeze out the bit of hope that was left.
Even if they indeed were powerless, they still ought to obligate them selves to pretend as if the opposite were true.

Oh placebo, placebo. *mexican jingle*

In fact, maybe that would be a good idea... go to a therapist for a session or two and get his or her advice. I can assure you, they will agree with my assertions. This is Therapy 101.

Problem is that the whole institution is flawed.

Visit a therapist on the Eastern sides of our Earth, where the knowledge of the ancients still prevail, and you'll get a more cohesive view on the reality of the psyche.

Much like Friedrich Nietzsche had ahold of the compass which would've guided us through the mist of cultural deception and downright ignorance at last; a course which got redirected by the wicked force which governs our institutions and prohibits an ideology of ultimate self-empowerment from thriving through these institutions, so did Carl Jung's enlightened views on the reality of the psyche and the unconscious miraculously not succeed in nourishing the minds of the next generations which fatefully perpetuate the evils of old; the false ideologies of a darker nature, namely that dreadful theory of an uncontrollable fate viewed through the obscure lens of a foreign, untrustable psyche......oh Father medicine, relieve us of our sorrow!

The institution is a joke and all therapists that have been brought up by it, provided that their worldview is not based on a rich personal background which is in tune with Truth, are doomed to fail miserably.
And they can't help it unless they return back to the source of information which is the psyche itself.
The very psyche which these insitutions rally against and make out to be our own worst enemy, trying to defeat it while it cannot be defeated, and while this very mindset is responsible for the perpetuation of mental illness to begin with!

Oh, placebo, pla-ceeeeh-bow

Anxiety feeds on anxiety. Most of your questions can be answered and problems solved by being more confident yourself. There is no "trick" to stop her from being anxious when you're having difficulties with anxiety yourself. The only trick that is going to work for her will be one that works for you first. So really, it's your own anxiety issues that should be front and center; solve those, and all other solutions will follow.