anybody else do this?

I have never felt like I "deserved" to die, for any long period anyway. I may have thought it a couple of times, but mostly I found myself begging to die because life was so miserable. I eventually came to the conclusion that I deserved to live because to die would be putting me out of my misery! What's a worse punishment than keeping someone alive who hates everything about themself and their life? There are so many things I want to do, and honestly, I don't want to die, because I know life CAN be good, and I've been trying so hard to get the things I want out of life to make me feel like it IS worth living, but just seem to be getting nowhere. I am not sure why this is and I have been battling with depression for a long long time too. The ironic thing is that what I really want to be is an actor or a musician, but at the same time I haven't got the confidence to speak in front of 5 people, never mind perform in front of thousands! And so I don't see how it could ever happen. I do find times when I feel it is pointless trying to fight the depression, but I still keep trying. I have periods when I am depressed and could blow up at any time, but am generally ok, like when I am in a loving relationship as I was about 2 months ago. Then my boyfriend left to go to Australia for 4 months and it's like my world has fallen apart and I have never been so miserable. But even while he was here I was getting upset over little things and ruining our relationship and we broke up about 3 times in 6 months! I know thst therapy is probably the best wasy to help, but unfortunately in my current situation I do not have time or money to see one. I have read through the learning path an it helps more to understand it, but it doesn't make it go away unfortunately. I always want someone to talk to about it, but don't want to burden my friends cos I know they'll get tired of it, so I talk to my mother, but I think she is starting to get tired of it now and I don't blame her. It's torture being so miserable from the time u wake up to the time u go to sleep. I adore my boyfriend but have decided it is best we are not together while I am so depressed because since he's been gone I have acted like an absolute psychopath and have scared myself and my life just seems to be going down a bottomless hole. And there seems to be no other help unless you have a lot of money...

Debby C, have you ever watched interviews with actors on television? Some of the best actors have admitted to being very shy in social situations being themsleves. Having a role to play allowed them to forget who they were and what people might think of them. They just concentrated on the character they had to become to play the part and tell the story. So, you might have a great idea - wanting to act.

I, myself, could never sing a solo in front of a group of people. Singing backup or in a group - might be okay.

There must be a lot of work involved, with developing your voice and stage presence, as well as the overcoming the shyness.

I am so happy to read about your choices. Keep up the good work.

Pollyanna

I've given this topic some more thought, today has to be one of the worst days of my life, but its coming to an end, and its gotten more peacefull, so I can post, which is good, I guess.

Its not that I want the depression (for me, its more of just being sad), some days, very rarely, I hurt less, and I miss the sadness, because it isn't the depression that I want to go away, its me, its who I am, my thoughts, my personality, me, I am the problem, and when the sadness goes away, I remain, and so I still hurt when I say boring things, or nothing at all as is often the case, but not as much as usual, which frustrates me during these rare moments, because when I'm upset, I can cry it all out, it doesn't feel good, or help, but hurting and not crying, for me, is alot worse, which is what happens when the sadness goes away (and thus, it comes back).

I'm sorry for posting this, but, I also hate it when I have something in my life stopping me from dying. Today, for the first time in a long time, I have a reason to live, and its not a happy reason, its a reason I can't stop crying about, my best friend ('internet friend') having suffered from very severe migraines for quite a while, just discovered a vein in her brain is the cause, its clotted, and it could burst at any minute, its caused by high blood pressure and plaque, if it bursts, she dies, she could be dead now, and I'm crying as I type this, I have been crying since I found it out, and I can't leave her like that, she doesn't need me in her life, not that I'm a part of it anyway, but it would be wrong of me to end mine. She may die before she even gets the surgery, the survival rate of the surgery is high, but she may die then too, and I can't live with her death. I'm sorry, I really shouldn't be sharing this with everyone, especially in a thread that isn't mine, I apologise to everyone, but I have no-one else, or place, to say these things. I can't imagine how she is feeling, I'm so worried.

I must be a very selfish and ugly person, I guess.

Does anyone else ever get annoyed when they have reasons not to die?

Sorry, another post, DebbieC, I have, funnily enough, also had similiar thoughts to yours.

As well as feeling I deserve to die, at times I have felt I deserve to live, too.

I have felt as if I exist purely to feel pain, as if my existence is punishment for existing. I don't know if what we feel is the same, but I'm sure there are others out there who have felt the same.

And, Debbie, all is not lost, there are resources on this site to help you, if you ever need to talk to someone try www.samaritans.org , you can email them from outside of the UK, or you can try another organisation of a similiar nature (the samaritan's website has links to other organisations which may help (oh, and it isn't a religious organisation, btw)). I have found that they are neither condescending nor do they try to talk you out of it, I found them comforting. I know how hopeless this all can seem, I can't see a doctor either, but for different reasons, I've never been happy with the US' health system, but then ours isn't too hot either, and I'll keep off that topic. Poing is, you can try many other things, which are documented on this site. And, most importantly, you'll never be alone in this, shrinks or no shrinks .

I'm sorry I can't help, but, hey...

Egor, I am so saddened to learn about your internet friend. I sincerely hope the surgery will help.

DebbieC, I have re-read your post and realize now that you are a musician. I thought of a singer in error. The you have already studied and practiced and have a talent. Congratulations!

To both of you and others who feel so empty and worthless that death seems to be the only answer to end the pain: I had a doctor once who told me when I feel that way that it is time for death - not to end your life, but to put an end to something that you are doing now that is not working for you. Change something! Change a habit. Change the way you come and go to work or school. Change what you eat. Change where you go and/or who goes with you. Change the way you think.

I have felt totally useless to myself and to the world. I have and still do to a lesser degree cling to depression as my ? what ? escape, refuge, comfort, way to avoid facing those things I dislike so much about the world outside my head. You can change a thought. You can change the way you look at things. You cannot change the world, but you can change the way you interpret the world and what happens.

I feel I have preached too much on this site. I apologize. I sincerely hope I did not offend anyone. I hope noone felt I was making light of the way he/she feels. I have enjoyed learning from you all, but I think it is time for me to leave.

I do wish you all the best. DebbieC, I hope you do become a successful mucisian or actress, even if only as an avocation. Egor, I hope you find contentment in your life.

Polly, your replies always made me feel good, and made me look at things in a new light, don't worry about 'preaching' too much, I know you at least affected one person in a good way (me).

I hope you suceed, I hope you get over your depression, I can certainly see you changing people's lives, if you don't give up, maybe its dumb of me to think so, I don't know.

Thanks for everything, leaving is your choice, just don't want you to feel as if you've outstayed your welcome, I feel like that, alot, as if I haven't used this forum correctly, I don't know, I guess I feel as if you've had a good impact around here, although I haven't been here long and probably won't be for much longer.

Egor, thanks for saying what you just did. I am glad to hear that I did not offend you in any way.

I have been in isolation for much too long. I am moving into a new stage in my life now. It will put me with other people like me. We will have more social interaction, more outings, hiking with goats of all things! and I think it is time. I do not know how much time or access I will have to a computer. I sit for too many hours in front of a computer now. I have two jobs that both involve sitting there and then I choose my recreation and socialization there too. Not good choices for me right now.

Egor, I have enjoyed meeting you online. I do sincerely wish you well. I will continue to send you GOOD energy even after I move.

Didn't realise goats liked to hike, but, I hope you enjoy it, iwsh I could take something up like that.

Dunno why I'm posting here, guess its just a final good luck thingy, maybe if you can do it, I can do it too, I mean, make those steps in the right direction, although, I'm not too sure.

Point is, GOOD LUCK!

Pollyanna and Egor

I'm sorry to see you talking about leaving the forum - your posts have been excellent, and I certainly don't think either of you have been doing any preaching - instead you have shared what you have learned through your own experience. We really appreciate having posters like you on the forum, and we hope that you will both find the opportunity in your new plans to log on and post again!

Whatever you do, we wish you all the best, and thank you for your input to the discussions.

Kathleen

Kathleen and Egor, I really do appreciate all the kind words. I hope I can access this site at least once in while after my move. I have gained so much from the learning path and the self-confidence and self-development courses. I have often wished for someone like a job-coach or a life-coach to help me keep my thinking in check. These courses are pretty much that.

Kathleen, I am happy to hear too that I was not preaching too much. I am a person who hates to be told what to do. I am very stubborn on that one. So, isn't it natual that I catch myself doing it all too often.

Yeah, Egor, I wish you could find a group like this one I am going to join too, if not to live with, at least to go on hikes and outings once in a while. I am so sorry that your parents disapprove of something that could literally save your life. I have had psychiatrists that did not know much about what they were doing. SAD! and frightening too! So much power is given to them. But I luckily found some that have been very good and knowledgeable (SP?) I honestly do not think I would be here today without them. I hated the idea of taking drugs. And for the first several years they made life worse for me. But I kept trying and with counseling and patience, we did fianlly find something that did help. And now I have the learning path showing me the way I sort of thought it was all the time, but wasn't smart enought then to figure it all out. (Maybe all those studies are of some good after all.)

I sure have enjoyed posting here. As you all can tell I sure do like to talk or write. I never realized before what a story-teller I am.

Thanks again for all the good thoughts. I take those with me where ever I go. And I hope I can read and post at a later time.

My love and admiration go out to all those "helpers" who post. God Bless YOU, Roger, and whoever helped in coming up with this idea. I think it is the BEST use of the internet yet! I constantly send loving white light to all of you still in pain and searching for answers. I am thankful that you have found this forum to openly share your thoughts and feelings without fear of ridicule. I think knowing that we individually are not the only ones thinking this way is a big help in itself.

Thanks and again and I hope this is not goodbye, but I wanted you, esp, Egor, to know why I would be disappearing.

This does sound familiar to me, but its not the way I see it anymore. I like being melancholic because I think some of my thoughts are right when I depressed ("the world can be a very cruel place", "people in general don't consider the feelings of others"). I would say you are confusing the notion of enjoying depression and your negativity with the notion that you just simply can't feel positive emotions (which is what depression is in my view). Just because you can't feel positive it doesn't mean you should subject yourself to your range of negative emotions... for example, do you find that you feel negatively about things which ordinarily you CARE about, but don't ordinarily feel emotionally depressed about (such as "the plight of refugees" or other stories on the news etc).