Hi everyone, i'm 18 and my brother is 24.
i'm afraid for him because he has alot of anger inside, i'm not afraid of him personally, we are very close and i know he would never do nay thing to hurt or harm me, we get on great and we often go out together with the same group of friends, but i know that inside he cannot be very happy with all this anger pent up inside him. anything can set him of, he shouts alot and has a very short temper, i have six other brothers and two other sisters and thay all seem ok so i don't think it had anything to do with the way thay were reared or genetics or any of that, we have different fathers as his dad died when he was 4, i think this may have something to do with it as he didn't really like my dad when my mom first met him, which is understandable.
i just don't know what to do, i really want to help him, but he won't see a professional, and any time i mention it he gets angry, i'm afraid for his future, some day he will really snap and do some serious damage and ruin himself and maybe someone else, he also binge drinks alot some nights he willl sit in and drink a whole bottle of wine to himself, this really scares me as i hate to see him destoying himself, he is so nice and thoughtfull in every other way he is very popular and every one who meets him loves him, he is so easy to get on with and always is out for a good time and a laugh, he is the life and soul of every party. i love him so much but it is breaking my heart seeing him waste away, he dosn't think there is any ting wrong with his temper or his drinkin, at least he wont admit he does, i'm sure deep down he realises something is wrong
i would really appreciate some advice on how to help him, and how to persuade him to help himself as i know i cannot 'fix' him and it has to be something he wants to do for himself.
thanks
DL
I'm afraid for my brother
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by Diamond Living » Sat Apr 02, 2005 12:57 pm
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by kfedouloff » Sun Apr 03, 2005 8:27 am
Hi Diamond Living
It's clear that you care for your brother a lot, and he's a lucky guy!
However, there is little you can do for him in regard to his anger or his drinking if he is not ready to face up to these things himself.
All you can do is continue to ensure that he knows that you love him, care for him, and want what is good for him. That way, when and if he does face up to it, he will know he can count on your support.
Pressuring him to do something won't help. However, it is all right to say that you are unhappy about his rages and his drinking, and leave it at that. That way, you are just expressing what YOU feel. What he does about it, is up to him.
Good luck!
Kathleen
It's clear that you care for your brother a lot, and he's a lucky guy!
However, there is little you can do for him in regard to his anger or his drinking if he is not ready to face up to these things himself.
All you can do is continue to ensure that he knows that you love him, care for him, and want what is good for him. That way, when and if he does face up to it, he will know he can count on your support.
Pressuring him to do something won't help. However, it is all right to say that you are unhappy about his rages and his drinking, and leave it at that. That way, you are just expressing what YOU feel. What he does about it, is up to him.
Good luck!
Kathleen
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by Diamond Living » Sun Apr 03, 2005 3:22 pm
Hi Kathleen,
thank you for your reply
i know i cannot help him until he faces up to it, i just hope that he realises what he's doing before it's to late, i don't want other people to lose interest in him, and give up trying to help him, i don't want him to be alone for when he does need somebody to lean on, i know i'm not going to be always there for him as much as i would like to be. i have pland to leave the country but i don't think i can incase something does happen while i'm not here, i know he is old enough and he shouldn't need babysitting, i just wouldn be able to relax thinking about him, and i would feel so guilty if something happened to him and i wasn't here to help him.
thank you for your reply
i know i cannot help him until he faces up to it, i just hope that he realises what he's doing before it's to late, i don't want other people to lose interest in him, and give up trying to help him, i don't want him to be alone for when he does need somebody to lean on, i know i'm not going to be always there for him as much as i would like to be. i have pland to leave the country but i don't think i can incase something does happen while i'm not here, i know he is old enough and he shouldn't need babysitting, i just wouldn be able to relax thinking about him, and i would feel so guilty if something happened to him and i wasn't here to help him.
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by kfedouloff » Mon Apr 04, 2005 5:05 pm
Hi DL
That's a little bit concerning! I don't think it's a good idea to plan your life around your brother "in case" he needs you... you need to pursue your own destiny, he needs to pursue his. You are not responsible for him, you are responsible for yourself, and for living the best life that YOU can. You can love him just as much from another country.
Sometimes, you know, people only get around to changing when they realise that they really HAVE blown everything. So staying around with your shoulder ready for him to lean on might not be the best thing for him, in the long run - though I can see why you might be tempted to do it.
You need to be strong for yourself.
Kathleen
That's a little bit concerning! I don't think it's a good idea to plan your life around your brother "in case" he needs you... you need to pursue your own destiny, he needs to pursue his. You are not responsible for him, you are responsible for yourself, and for living the best life that YOU can. You can love him just as much from another country.
Sometimes, you know, people only get around to changing when they realise that they really HAVE blown everything. So staying around with your shoulder ready for him to lean on might not be the best thing for him, in the long run - though I can see why you might be tempted to do it.
You need to be strong for yourself.
Kathleen
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by Diamond Living » Mon Apr 04, 2005 7:01 pm
Hey,thanks again for replying.
i understand what you are saying, i never really thought about it like that, it's just hard to break away and say goodbye. it's hard to explain how i feel about this, it's kinda like not wanting to go to the bathroom during the adds incase you miss a bit of the program. maybe i just depend on him as much as i care about him. it's so difficult, i feel responsible for him in away because we are so close, and i'm always the one who is pushed forward to talk to him when others are sick of him, or the one who his friends call to go pick him up from the bar when he's drunk and pull him away from a fight with some randomer. god i didn realise how much of this situation i needed to get of my chest, i hope i don't grow bitter towards him for this.
i understand what you are saying, i never really thought about it like that, it's just hard to break away and say goodbye. it's hard to explain how i feel about this, it's kinda like not wanting to go to the bathroom during the adds incase you miss a bit of the program. maybe i just depend on him as much as i care about him. it's so difficult, i feel responsible for him in away because we are so close, and i'm always the one who is pushed forward to talk to him when others are sick of him, or the one who his friends call to go pick him up from the bar when he's drunk and pull him away from a fight with some randomer. god i didn realise how much of this situation i needed to get of my chest, i hope i don't grow bitter towards him for this.
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by kfedouloff » Tue Apr 05, 2005 5:36 pm
Hi DL
No need to get bitter towards your brother. You clearly have helped out in the past, and you did this because YOU wanted to, not because anybody MADE you do it.
And you can see that being needed and depended on can make you feel good - it's nice to be needed, only in this case it seems to have gone a bit far... Who is there for YOU when you need help and support from someone?
What are you planning to do when you go abroad?
Kathleen
No need to get bitter towards your brother. You clearly have helped out in the past, and you did this because YOU wanted to, not because anybody MADE you do it.
And you can see that being needed and depended on can make you feel good - it's nice to be needed, only in this case it seems to have gone a bit far... Who is there for YOU when you need help and support from someone?
What are you planning to do when you go abroad?
Kathleen
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by heathercrichfield » Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:56 pm
Hi! Diamond Living,
Firstly let me say that having a caring brother is a blessing in itself. Your brother is very lucky to have you!
Secondly, you need to find a way to persuade your brother to seek help. The very nature of anger and rage can interfere with his ability or wish to get help so I can understand his refusal. Rage and Anger saps energy and self-esteem and makes people feel tired, worthless, helpless, and hopeless. Therefore it seems to me that your brother needs to address his anger by increasing his perspective and perceptions of his environment allowing him to experience emotions which so far are stifled by his anger. It seems obvious for what you have shared that he is in denial. He needs your support, this is all you can give him from your part. He also needs prompt counseling , counseling is a learning experience that involves the clarification of issues, consequences and options.
My professional approach to Anger Management Counseling is Cognitive-Behaviorally based and focuses on negative feeling driving behavior. The goal of counseling is to enlight, empower and discover so the patients are not only getting rid off their anger but also they increase their perspectives and perceptions of the environment around them.
Good Luck!
Firstly let me say that having a caring brother is a blessing in itself. Your brother is very lucky to have you!
Secondly, you need to find a way to persuade your brother to seek help. The very nature of anger and rage can interfere with his ability or wish to get help so I can understand his refusal. Rage and Anger saps energy and self-esteem and makes people feel tired, worthless, helpless, and hopeless. Therefore it seems to me that your brother needs to address his anger by increasing his perspective and perceptions of his environment allowing him to experience emotions which so far are stifled by his anger. It seems obvious for what you have shared that he is in denial. He needs your support, this is all you can give him from your part. He also needs prompt counseling , counseling is a learning experience that involves the clarification of issues, consequences and options.
My professional approach to Anger Management Counseling is Cognitive-Behaviorally based and focuses on negative feeling driving behavior. The goal of counseling is to enlight, empower and discover so the patients are not only getting rid off their anger but also they increase their perspectives and perceptions of the environment around them.
Good Luck!
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by Diamond Living » Wed Apr 20, 2005 1:12 pm
hey kathleen, it's not that i'm addicted to being needed or anything i would be quite happy if all this went away and i could get on with my own life without feeling guilty that i'm leaving somebody behind, as selfish as that sounds it's how i feel- sometimes i feel so overwhelmed it just gets to much and i break down in tears.
i don't really turn to anybody when i need help i tend to just deal with things on my own i don't dwell on my own problems i just put them to the back of my mind and get on with things- people have enough of there own worries without me needing their shoulder to lean on.
when i go away, i'll be working as a model as the money over here is not great and it's hard to make a living i have a contract in new yourk if i want to take it, i would just feel selfish and guilty if i left.
i don't really turn to anybody when i need help i tend to just deal with things on my own i don't dwell on my own problems i just put them to the back of my mind and get on with things- people have enough of there own worries without me needing their shoulder to lean on.
when i go away, i'll be working as a model as the money over here is not great and it's hard to make a living i have a contract in new yourk if i want to take it, i would just feel selfish and guilty if i left.
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