by mel » Sat Jul 24, 2004 7:48 am
Dear CT,
How well I can identify with what you are saying and how you are feeling and knowing how hope springs eternally to our hearts. I wish you much strength and I wish you well. I hope that things turn out well for you.
I remember well my feelings of hope and the positive feelings in my heart. Although he treated me in a way that I would never treat another humanbeing, I continued to hold out and stay with him. I felt duty bound to support him in his illness. I loved him too much to give in.
Eventually, the continued coldness, the nastiness and him telling me again and again that he didnt love me or care for me or want me in his life, drove me away and one evening I filled my car with some of my belongings and left him and have had no contact ever since. It was a situation where no matter how nasty he was to me, I just continued to smile and be warm and loving towards him. He told me again and again and again that he didnt love me, didnt want to be with me although his behaviour didnt always mirror his words. I found it very confusing.
It is now two months since I left. He sent me a nasty email and some nasty texts but I did not respond. Happily, my son drove to his home about a month ago and collected my personal belongings - the flat belongs to his friend/boss who has known him some twenty years - and the friend helped my son load my belongings into the van. My ex had just thrown everything of mine into one big pile on the floor ie clothes, kitchen equipment, personal items, etc The ex was not there and when my son returned my things to me, I could still feel the spitefulness in his actions - I got the feeling that he had thought I would return, that he cared enough about me to feel bitter that I had left. I felt that he was angry because he had lost control of me.
Initially, I felt numb. Whenever any thoughts of him come to mind, I push them away. Some days this is harder to do. Now, I feel sort of closed in, distant from the world - alone with my pain. I hardly allow myself to cry - I have this fear that should I begin to cry, I will never ever stop. What hurts me most of all now is not so much the fact that the relationship ended but the fact that he treated me so badly. It is almost as though I am having a delayed reaction to the nastiness. I wonder why that is? I feel traumatised by what happened and by his behaviour towards me. I feel so sad - the sadness encompasses me - it feels almost as though I have been physically wounded.
I try and put on a show of still being this happy bubbly person - the one I was before! - but in reality, I dont feel like this. I feel very sad - almost dead inside. However, I go about my life as usual and those not close to me never guess the turmoil I am going through. When will the ache go away?
My life is very different now - I have another kind of life now. Different home, different town, different life. I start a new job next week so different colleagues too.
Unhappily though, I have still not moved on emotionally. Two months and I am still sad. Two months and I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel.
There is no doubt in my mind that leaving him was the best thing I could have done for myself and I dont regret that for a single second. I suppose that deep down, Im probably still in love with him and dont doubt that Ill always be. It was what he couldnt understand - that no matter how nasty he was to me, how many times he said he didnt love me, I always loved him - I never stopped. He once said that I had no selfrespect.
In conclusion Id say that in loving this man and in trying to help him and keep our relationship afloat, I have damaged myself quite badly. My hope is that the damage is not permanent and that I can go back to being the person I once was.
Regards
Mel