Angry and dont even realize it sometimes

I would start in two places;

-1- developing coping skills and;

-2- working on what you can do to recognize the "rejection" trap so you can avoid the trigger.

With coping skills, it means actually having a place you can go to calm down or a better way to deal with anger if/when it does take place. We all experience anger, but how we handle the anger determines if we hurt our relationships. Having a place to go or an outlet established pre-anger can help, e.g. decide whenever you feel angry to go to the gym or for a walk. Even more effective is to include a mental distraction like a book you can read or music to which you can actively listen to the words. Not music that agitates or pumps you up, but music that helps get you on the right track.

Just establishing coping skills is not enough. You should also practice the skills, prior to another incident. So decide now how you want to deal and then go do it...and then set a reminder to go do this activity once a week so you get use to it and it reminds you that you have established this as a way to cope. Having practiced, if you do feel rejected and anger hits, you will be much more likely to not let it escalate and be much more capable of implementing your coping plan.

As for working on recognition so as to avoid the issue all together, you can work on your communication skills, specifically making a conscious effort to pause before deciding to put out your idea or opinion. Don't rush conversation, take one extra second to respond and think if what you are about to offer might be rejected. Before you even offer up what you want to say, that extra second to think about the potential rejection may help you side step the trigger all together. Same as coping skills, it takes practice. It is not enough to just tell yourself you have this plan, like learning to ride a bike or play chess it takes practice that initially might seem a bit awkward, but eventually becomes second hand.

Dear Peace Seeker,

Wow! ‘Dick’ D.S. really gave you a lot to think about. So, so far so good.

Oh, wait… what is it you wrote:

Peace_Seeker wrote:Hi My name is Rich.....I need help with my anger, this is kind of hard for me, i knew i had some anger issues but didn't realize was as bad as it really was.....i need help cause its hurting my relationship.


I need help with realistic tips on ways to help my anger, I guess some of my anger stems from rejection whether it be ideas or suggestions at both home and work, also with negative body language.
There are times when i know i am angry but don't realize or should say hear how i am speaking and or don't even realize i am coming off as a total dick.....

My dad was like this and i don't want to be like him........i think some of my anger is because i am turning 30 but this has been on going for way before this but i think may be whats making it worse....

Please help, and if you need any other info please just ask....i want help just don't know how to really express

Oh, yes… Richard dealt sufficiently with Rejection. Yes, you have to learn to Take It Like a Man when you get rejected… if they want you to walk away, well, give’em what they want – Walk Away… with a Smile and Wave Good Bye. Remember that Anger always works at Cross Purposes to Dignity. One cannot become Angry without becoming Undignified.

This is why Richard recommends having a Pre-set Escape Plan… the Idea that you will Make An Exit (a Dignified One, if things get bad), and cool off on your walk, or whatever. Now, yes, the Escape Plan sometimes can get you in Trouble. At Work, I would excuse myself from meetings and then get in trouble for it. The Boss, who was a very angry person himself (but he was boss and so it was okay) didn’t see the utility of escaping Anger – that as a good robotic employee, I should simply dismiss all such feelings, blah, blah, blah. So I learned to not just excuse myself but to say, “Excuse Me, I think I am about to become Sick”. Nobody argues with that. They clear a way to the door for you… but keep their shoes way back… Also, the ‘being sick’ about whatever just happened to upset you, well, that works well also – it tells people there is a problem, and your Dignity is protected, because, after all, you showed no unsightly emotions, but you cannot help how your Body reacts to injustice and insult.

Oh, yes, getting close to 30. It is ‘almost’ a Mid-Life Crisis. You must be very Ambitious. Most people don’t really expect to have Conquered the World at 30. Most people wait until 40 to see that overall they are one of the Millions of ‘Losers’ (yes, and in a Competitive Society, where King of the Mountain is the Game we all play, well, there can be only on King…. Only one Winner. That makes All of Us Losers, doesn’t it? It’s Strange how we support a Social System that degrades everybody… but that seems to be what the Movies, Media, and Literature supports… and there isn’t much popular imagination for seeing a Social Plan where everyone is respected. So, yes, I can’t blame you for feeling like a Failure, and being frustrated by it. Alexander the Great had upturned the Great Persian Empire by the time he was 30. Napoleon had gathered Europe together under one Political Jurisdiction and was establishing Liberal Political Ideas, socially and economically, and even Religiously, compared to what the Revolution had been doing before, and all before he hit the Big Three Zero. Oh, yes, there is the Beatles and Michael Jackson to consider. So, yes, If you Really Luck Out, you should be able to Conquer the World before he hit 30. And so thought Millions… perhaps Billions of people before you. Anyway… try to get comfortable being a nobody. If you are satisfied being a Nobody, than any little thing that comes along your way seems to be like an extra, you know?

Yes, you should Plan on Being Angry. Often, we are not caught in an Anger Episode for so long, as the day in and day out business is so plain and vapid, that we forget that we have all kinds of Triggers and Propensities to Blow Up. So, develop some ritualized regimen… some plan for learning about or practicing Anger Management everyday. If it is everyday, well, then it only has to be something that only takes about 15 or 20 minutes – reading a chapter from a book or rehearsing how Not to be Angry (replaying Incidents in your Mind, but this time making the Right Decisions).

Also, and this sounds strange, but I think it is a powerful tool. If you get Angry during a Dream, well, make it a point to return to the Dream and replay it without the anger. Don’t accept Angry Behavior even in your Dreams.

Oh, and this includes every aspect of your Life. No More Swearing! Not even alone. Not even under your breath. Swearing is the Devil’s Way of working you up. It is Almost Impossible to work up to Anger without the prods and pokes of Swear Words pushing you into the Deep End. Oh, and in regards to your habit of speaking like a Real Jerk, well, most of that is because we allow ourselves to be Clever and Sarcastic. Well, being Clever and Sarcastic, while it may be the Stuff of Stand Up Comedians, is simply Undignified and Out of Place in Real Life.

Oh, you know the Feeling – just after an Angry Episode, how our heads spin with THINGS WE SHOULD HAVE SAID. Well, just think about those Clever and Sarcastic Things, and how all of that would have only made things Even Worse! Yes, although it is very difficult, TRY to ignore that phase of thinking immediately after an Anger Episode of THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID, and try to turn you mind to just how lucky you are you said as little as you did…. Unless you cussed and screamed and threw your computer tower through the office window…well, and then you can congratulate yourself that you did not murder anybody .

Peace_Seeker wrote:There are times when i know i am angry but don't realize or should say hear how i am speaking and or don't even realize i am coming off as a total dick.....

Who is letting you know your acting like this? If you don't realize it when your doing it, someone must be talking to you about it. What did they say?
McCain

My fiance is letting me know,

this part of my issue is at home
i know its hard to understand how i don't realize what i am doing, when i get upset i apparently have a tone or turn into A-Hole....it feels like i don't realize what i am saying until after the fact....and then i look back and its almost like someone else is in control....i wish i could explain it better.

I know its me and no one else, so i take responsibility over my actions, with the tips and making a plan i think may help.

I appreciate all the help and suggestions you all are giving, and i am open to more ideas and tips on how to better myself and take control of my anger

Are you trying to get a point across when you go into angry mode, or are you responding to the actions of another?

McCain

To be honest it seems more like i am trying to get a point across and it doesn't go very far or how i want, but also on occasions it is the actions of others.

I am sorry if not making sense.....also i know i need to confront my anger and typing this up i feel like an awful person, i must sound like it as well =(

No worries, it makes perfect sense to me.

12 years ago my country was brutally attacked. Thousands of innocent people lost their lives that day. The days and months that followed were filled with thoughts equal retaliation by some. "Lets blow them up", kick all those people of that origin out of our country. People wanted to burn their places of worship and discontinue our policies for immigration. All these incredible thoughts of revenge in anger. Then there were the other group of citizens, they wanted to move forward through prayer and peaceful rallies. These people felt strongly about sending a message back to the terrorists . One that conveyed self restraint and control through well thought out communication.
See, both parties had a clear right to be angry. Both parties felt the same pain, lost the same family members and sense of security. The major difference was in their response and delivery to how this event has affected them.
Thank goodness we collectively took the later of the two examples and intelligently responded. In doing so more was accomplished. We properly responded with a strong message. We properly investigated and convicted those responsible . We changed policies and procedures. It was a long process, but it was the correct response to all the pain and anger these terrorists had caused. If we would have retaliated, with guns a blazing, there would have been no growth from the occurrence, just more pain and suffering.

I know this is quite an example of anger, but it helps me understand two things...
First, anger is a necessary emotion. If it is handled the right way, it brings needed change.
Second, through patience and honest evaluation of the source, you can locate the cause and respond appropriately.

In my opinion, your not at fault for getting angry, your at fault for miscommunicating your message.
McCain

I know how it feels. I feel the same and after a lot of arguments you realize that you were wrong. You need to calm your sh**!
Anger management is really necessary for short tempered people like us!

Peace_Seeker wrote:Hi My name is Rich.....I need help with my anger, this is kind of hard for me, i knew i had some anger issues but didn't realize was as bad as it really was.....i need help cause its hurting my relationship.


I need help with realistic tips on ways to help my anger, I guess some of my anger stems from rejection whether it be ideas or suggestions at both home and work, also with negative body language.
There are times when i know i am angry but don't realize or should say hear how i am speaking and or don't even realize i am coming off as a total dick.....

My dad was like this and i don't want to be like him........i think some of my anger is because i am turning 30 but this has been on going for way before this but i think may be whats making it worse....

Please help, and if you need any other info please just ask....i want help just don't know how to really express

Hi

The first step to solving this is to know what is causing you to feel angry. Understanding the root of the problem is the first step to solving it. This step is hard to use because whenever you are angry you just forget about this step. Anger feeds on impulsion and hot headedness. This is because you are unable to think of the consequences when the thoughts processed through your mind!

Once you know the problem , that is where the second step come in

You have to build up and maintain your determination. This is where you will start solving the problem step by step. If you are angry at your mom taking your money , try keeping it yourself instead. If your mom ask you for money , calm down and explain to her. Always calm down when angry as you will not be thinking barbarianly but logically

hope this helped