Jealous girlfriend

Hello,

First of all thank you for taking your time to read! I'm 28 years old male in a relationship with a female since high school, about 10 years. I need a bit of advice just to make sure I’m sane and thinking right. I tried to go to a psychologist to help me out but during pandemic they just accept online calls and I can’t talk over Whatsapp while she is here, I don’t think I will be fair enough and say what I believe fearing that I might hurt her.

She is accusing me of speaking differently when I have calls with females vs males co-workers, that I speak more words with women vs man. More specifically, she says that my tone is different and I am way too polite because I’m obsessed with women and she wants me to treat them the same as I treat men. I argued that I might speak differently because women in general have a different way of socializing, I couldn’t go to a female co-worker and be: “Sup dude” like I usually do with men. That doesn’t mean I’m flirting with a female, I never talk about anything but work with females and with my colleagues in general. I do have 2 male “friends” that I share other interests with (hardly once every 2 weeks, usually science & news).

She also gets upset and asks me often about why I speak more with my mother than my father and why do I seem to enjoy it more. I do speak more with my mother, because my father is not so social, but I have a really good connection with my father ever since I was a child. All of these things add up in her to the conclusion that I am feminist and obsessed with women, even sexually.

I feel this is an exaggerated view of things and the way she reflects this in our relationship creates a lot of negative emotions for me. I think she has some form of obsessive jealousy because also in the past she would search my emails, try to hack my work accounts and control with whom I speak. Everything went downhill in our relationship form this perspective about 8 years ago when she saw I was watching porn. Then all the insecurities started to build up.

I also have a dark side especially if pushed too much, I start saying things that really hurt. It’s instinctive, I see her throwing words and I get all pumped up and start fighting back. Afterwards I try to take back words but it’s not so easy. Sometimes it leads to violence, but nowadays she just hit herself when it’s getting too much emotional. I tried to reason as calm as I could be given the circumstances and I still hit a hard wall (today she just pulled a big chunk of her hair) while I was arguing that talking differently with women doesn’t mean I’m obsessed with them.

I am searching for solutions, I proposed couple therapy but she doesn’t want to. She also has problems speaking to people and maintaining social relationships (she thinks she has Asperger, which it might be true), she is jobless for about three years and that also affects her insecurity. I tried helping her with the job but nothing I did worked. Also, I’m not the best person to provide such help, I just can’t understand these things, they come so natural and easy to me that I snap and I think she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t have family, only her grandmother and I don’t really think she can help her.

She is a fantastic human being, I realized what life is with her help and I’m profoundly grateful for that and I really want to help her and also us.