If you tell people you have an eating disorder, they usually think that you're a sad, lonely individual with a pathetic life. I've had anerexia for 8 months and now been on a 7 week binge. The guilt from this is sent me into a depression, but I just can't stop.
It's true, I'm even guilty of thinking this myself. At my group therapy session I can't help looking around at everyone and wanting to give them a big hug and tell them everything's going to be ok. I sit there feeling like a fraud. I can relate fully to what they're saying but at the back of my mind a voice tells me that I have a happy life, I have no big problems and therefore I'm not in a bad a situation as these people. I shamefully admit that it's like there's two groups: me and the messed up rest. But the truth of the matter is that I'm not in any 'better' situation than these other people. I'm just as messed up as them. That's why I'm here. I might not have the same life problems, but we're all in the exact same situation and that for me is a very hard thing to except, that I am in fact one of "those people".
I don't know why I have an ED. If I did, it would be ten times easier to cure but I can't pinpoint any exact cause. My doctor has even sent me to a therapist to try and find the 'whys', but all she could pull out was a cop out excuse about my parents divorcing fifteen years ago - which is bs. I don't want to blame anyone or anything for my problem. When I do that that's basically me saying that I'm powerless over my own life which is something that the pride in me would never be able to accept. Again, this relates back to the fact that there's honestly nothing 'wrong' with my life, and never has. I just seem to have an eating disorder.
I read a paper in the British Medical Journal that showed that number of cases of eating disorders in young people is sky high in children born before 32 weeks, compared to their full term friends. I was born at 31 weeks - so you'd be forgiven for thinking that this could be a reason. I however am not convinced, as the ED/premature baby theory usually comes hand in hand with ADHD and extremely low intelligence - something which I don't categorise myself as having.
It's this lack of cause it the reason why I haven't told anybody about the daily struggle with my ED. I know from my own experience that people would be quick to jump on the bandwagon and I'd instantly be judged, pitied and worst of all gossiped about. I'd instantly be thought as "Poor Lucy" and would need to live with the stigma for the rest of my life that I was the one who had a 'a funny time with food'.
You might think that I should man up and just deal with peoples' reactions, but we live in an age where people's minds are narrow and a the scars in your reputation would always be visible. For example, I have a cousin who got in with a bad crowd at school and started doing LSD. Eventually he got help and stopped, but even to this day, 10 years later, people still gossip about him, point him out at family parties as 'that's Gary's son, yeah the one who had a drug problem' then the chattering starts.
I hope one day I will be able to rise above the pettiness of some people and tell someone so that I can get help, but until then I'll keep it all buried inside, and let it hurt me instead.
Scared to tell anyone? Don't know how to get help :(
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by andthediamonds » Wed Sep 28, 2011 6:33 pm
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by jurplesman » Thu Sep 29, 2011 6:14 am
Hi andthediamonds,
For an explanation of eating disorders have a look at:
Eating Disorders
and discuss with a nutritional doctor.
For an explanation of eating disorders have a look at:
Eating Disorders
and discuss with a nutritional doctor.
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by Janis Dolan » Sun Oct 16, 2011 6:34 pm
I know that title is a bit cruel, but you know, you just gotta relax about it. You just might have a tendency to an obsessive personality - I know I do. I was always anxious, and shy, even as a child. And I could bore you by trying to pin-point the reasons for this, but knowing the reasons is not really helpful, however, this is about you, not me. I only want to tell you a little about me, because of what I have gone through and, the key word there is 'through' - I have an eating disorder, my disorder is I LIKE THE BLOOMING STUFF, that's the problem, and I am obese. My high weight problem is directly related to the amount of stress I am under - which at the moment is considerable, but I don't dwell on it. I eat when I want to and don't eat when I want to. This way, I tend not to get too much.
There are so many programs which tell you this and that, but if you starve yourself you might be laying down a road to binging, regardless of what you think. Your body is telling you to eat. Then you feel guilty which is stressful, which causes you to want to feel nice again, so you eat - and so on.
I know what you mean about the ED group. I went to Overeaters Anonymous - some years ago. We met in this large hall in the city, and there were many many people there. I can tell you, when I heard the stories of their history and what brought them here, like you, I wanted to hug them. By comparison I felt like I had no problems at all - I was completely taken aback by the severity of some of the stories, and I felt, like you did, a fraud. I never went back.
May I make a suggestion. There is probably something in your life that you are unhappy with, apart from the ED. I was given this project to help me seem my life as it was and how to change it for the better.
Take an exercise book, and open to the first two pages. On the left hand page write at the top the title. SINISTER, and on the right hand page write DEXTER. The first means left and the second means right.
On the sinister page, write down all the things you don't like about your life, yourself, you kids, you famly, your job, your house, your fingernails, your hair colour, whatever it is, put it down. Now, on the other page, write down everything you think is good about the same life, or what people say to you is good about your life, for example, a friend may always have admired the way you laugh, or think you are a great driver (even if you don't), the length of your hair, the fact that you don't get many pimples on your face. From that, you can see that you have good skin, write that down. And so on.
At first, the left side of the page will be a longer list, and the right side might be quite short. Don't worry. It might surprise you to see what is on the left. Be honest with yourself, no one will see this. Then keep this up for several weeks, and work on making the right side longer and longer. So, more negative things will be eliminated, and more positive things will arrive. It may be that some of the things you thought were negative, will actually only be your perception, and that, for example, having long hair could be seen as a negative if you are moaning about having to wash it regularly, BUT, if you then see it differently, like. I love my hair because it is long, and I take care of my hair to keep it looking good. This is positive.
Perhaps you need to make some small changes to your life, to facility the big changes.
Maybe the job is stressing. Change the job might seem the best advice, but, is it? You could be getting into deeper water by changing your job. So, change the way you do your job. If you feel rushed in the morning which stresses you out, get in early, clear your inbox and relax with a coffee before the main rush of the day.
If you are tired all the time, got to the gym, go to bed early, read a book, relax more.
These are just some suggestions, but the best one is to stop feeling guilty about it.
I say, sod it, if you want to eat it, go for it, but only have one, not the whole shelf.
I find myself at the petrol station paying and looking for something to eat. I could have anything I wanted in there, and there is much to chose from. But, since I have started to relax about food, I find myself just getting a sugar free soda, or a kitkat. I then enjoy the chocolate and forget about it.
Saying no to urges gives me a kind of buzz. Be proud of that small achievement. Little successes add together to form bigger successes. One step at a time.
Right, that's enough for now, I'm off - stay cool. Speak soon, best wishes.
There are so many programs which tell you this and that, but if you starve yourself you might be laying down a road to binging, regardless of what you think. Your body is telling you to eat. Then you feel guilty which is stressful, which causes you to want to feel nice again, so you eat - and so on.
I know what you mean about the ED group. I went to Overeaters Anonymous - some years ago. We met in this large hall in the city, and there were many many people there. I can tell you, when I heard the stories of their history and what brought them here, like you, I wanted to hug them. By comparison I felt like I had no problems at all - I was completely taken aback by the severity of some of the stories, and I felt, like you did, a fraud. I never went back.
May I make a suggestion. There is probably something in your life that you are unhappy with, apart from the ED. I was given this project to help me seem my life as it was and how to change it for the better.
Take an exercise book, and open to the first two pages. On the left hand page write at the top the title. SINISTER, and on the right hand page write DEXTER. The first means left and the second means right.
On the sinister page, write down all the things you don't like about your life, yourself, you kids, you famly, your job, your house, your fingernails, your hair colour, whatever it is, put it down. Now, on the other page, write down everything you think is good about the same life, or what people say to you is good about your life, for example, a friend may always have admired the way you laugh, or think you are a great driver (even if you don't), the length of your hair, the fact that you don't get many pimples on your face. From that, you can see that you have good skin, write that down. And so on.
At first, the left side of the page will be a longer list, and the right side might be quite short. Don't worry. It might surprise you to see what is on the left. Be honest with yourself, no one will see this. Then keep this up for several weeks, and work on making the right side longer and longer. So, more negative things will be eliminated, and more positive things will arrive. It may be that some of the things you thought were negative, will actually only be your perception, and that, for example, having long hair could be seen as a negative if you are moaning about having to wash it regularly, BUT, if you then see it differently, like. I love my hair because it is long, and I take care of my hair to keep it looking good. This is positive.
Perhaps you need to make some small changes to your life, to facility the big changes.
Maybe the job is stressing. Change the job might seem the best advice, but, is it? You could be getting into deeper water by changing your job. So, change the way you do your job. If you feel rushed in the morning which stresses you out, get in early, clear your inbox and relax with a coffee before the main rush of the day.
If you are tired all the time, got to the gym, go to bed early, read a book, relax more.
These are just some suggestions, but the best one is to stop feeling guilty about it.
I say, sod it, if you want to eat it, go for it, but only have one, not the whole shelf.
I find myself at the petrol station paying and looking for something to eat. I could have anything I wanted in there, and there is much to chose from. But, since I have started to relax about food, I find myself just getting a sugar free soda, or a kitkat. I then enjoy the chocolate and forget about it.
Saying no to urges gives me a kind of buzz. Be proud of that small achievement. Little successes add together to form bigger successes. One step at a time.
Right, that's enough for now, I'm off - stay cool. Speak soon, best wishes.
- Janis Dolan
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4 posts
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