If you tell people you have an eating disorder, they usually think that you're a sad, lonely individual with a pathetic life. I've had anerexia for 8 months and now been on a 7 week binge. The guilt from this is sent me into a depression, but I just can't stop.
It's true, I'm even guilty of thinking this myself. At my group therapy session I can't help looking around at everyone and wanting to give them a big hug and tell them everything's going to be ok. I sit there feeling like a fraud. I can relate fully to what they're saying but at the back of my mind a voice tells me that I have a happy life, I have no big problems and therefore I'm not in a bad a situation as these people. I shamefully admit that it's like there's two groups: me and the messed up rest. But the truth of the matter is that I'm not in any 'better' situation than these other people. I'm just as messed up as them. That's why I'm here. I might not have the same life problems, but we're all in the exact same situation and that for me is a very hard thing to except, that I am in fact one of "those people".
I don't know why I have an ED. If I did, it would be ten times easier to cure but I can't pinpoint any exact cause. My doctor has even sent me to a therapist to try and find the 'whys', but all she could pull out was a cop out excuse about my parents divorcing fifteen years ago - which is bs. I don't want to blame anyone or anything for my problem. When I do that that's basically me saying that I'm powerless over my own life which is something that the pride in me would never be able to accept. Again, this relates back to the fact that there's honestly nothing 'wrong' with my life, and never has. I just seem to have an eating disorder.
I read a paper in the British Medical Journal that showed that number of cases of eating disorders in young people is sky high in children born before 32 weeks, compared to their full term friends. I was born at 31 weeks - so you'd be forgiven for thinking that this could be a reason. I however am not convinced, as the ED/premature baby theory usually comes hand in hand with ADHD and extremely low intelligence - something which I don't categorise myself as having.
It's this lack of cause it the reason why I haven't told anybody about the daily struggle with my ED. I know from my own experience that people would be quick to jump on the bandwagon and I'd instantly be judged, pitied and worst of all gossiped about. I'd instantly be thought as "Poor Lucy" and would need to live with the stigma for the rest of my life that I was the one who had a 'a funny time with food'.
You might think that I should man up and just deal with peoples' reactions, but we live in an age where people's minds are narrow and a the scars in your reputation would always be visible. For example, I have a cousin who got in with a bad crowd at school and started doing LSD. Eventually he got help and stopped, but even to this day, 10 years later, people still gossip about him, point him out at family parties as 'that's Gary's son, yeah the one who had a drug problem' then the chattering starts.
I hope one day I will be able to rise above the pettiness of some people and tell someone so that I can get help, but until then I'll keep it all buried inside, and let it hurt me instead.