I only get angry with one person in the entire world - help!

Joudan wrote:
she [his Mother] keeps telling me not to waste time talking to my girlfriend, who lives on the other side of the world but is coming to visit in July. She doesn't believe me that I can still do work in my free study periods at school while I talk to her at the same time.

Please help me.

Honestly, I don't believe you either. No Scientific Study supports the notion that skills are increased if the Attention is divided. Yes, you can do 'something' with divided attention. But it is not half of what you can do if you concentrate. and your Mother knows this.

Oh, and if you won't listen to your own Mother, well, I really don't know how anybody here can help you.

I am late for an appointment. I will think more about what you have said, and may have more ideas for you tomorrow.

for tonight, can't you please try to get out of your own head and think how everybody else feels. that will be a good start.

compassion wrote:When we are angry, we either behave like our “mother” or we repeat our childhood pattern of anger. Your feelings of anger is in the unhealthy range and you need to bring them down through cognitive behavorial therapy. Your mom seems quite possessive but you need to focus on the way you handle your feelings to avoid any explosion. I can teach you a written exercise for free (send me an email at conquerlife1 at hotmail com) on how to bring your emotions in the healthy range and how not to feel “bad” when your mom tries to control your actions; I can also share some great resources. If you don't solve your "mother related issues," you will repeat this pattern of behavior with "every loved one" in your life.

Oh my goodness . . . here you are again, now with another user name, roadtohappiness, peacefulbeing, Tony Andrews, who else can you be? I guess one can be anything or anyone they put their mind to.

Dear Joudan,

I'm back. I'm sorry I was so brief with you yesterday... I was very strapped for time.

But now I took a leisurely view of what you wrote, and honestly, I must come to the same decision. You simply have to start respecting your mother. All you anger will go away once you begin to appreciate her as your Boss, as somebody placed in authority over you, as your Sergeant, as your Captain. You are only 16 years old, and you have not really faced Authority yet. Teachers, yes, but they have no stake in whether you perform well or not, so they can be very easy going with you. But in the real world, where Bs and Cs are just different degrees of Failure and where only Excellence is an acceptable standard, well, you will experience more and more that People in Authority will advise you and correct you, and they will not be expecting excuses and arguments from you. they will simply expect you to comply with what you are instructed to do. And in respecting them, well, you will be protecting your Job, your Career. That is very important. But now, you see obeying your mother as something completely unnecessary and very inconvenient. This is one of the things that 16 year olds do.

Go on line and look up Childhood Development and read about 16 year olds. You will be reading about yourself. Yes, it is natural for you to be rebellious, but that is only if you are behaving by raw instinct, like an animal. You are not an animal. You can read the Literature on Childhood Development, and see all of the terrible things you are prone to, and then implement a plan that will make you behave as though you were an adult, as though you were someone at an Adult Level of Maturity.

Also, no, you really are not paying good attention -- doing your school work and talking to a girl. First off, talking to a girl when you have work to do. That is pure hormones. Take hormones out of the equation and you would find it silly to talk to girls about anything other than school work and classes -- mutual business and intellectual interests, and then you would not do it while you are busy concentrating on important work.

Also, you think that you CAN perform while distracted. I should remind you that now you are a Big Fish in a very small pond. If you continue on to College and Grad School and Advanced Degrees, you will find that your Relative Size to the Pond and to the Other Fish will significantly change. The Pressure is going to rachet up. At some point you will find yourself struggling.... it might be a new experience for you, but you shouldn't let it take you by surprise. Do Hard Work now. If what the Teachers give you to do is easy, well, go on line and find some more complex stuff. Study ahead in your books. Get next years books and start on them. Challenge Yourself. What about the Standardized Tests. Every Country nowadays has Standardized Tests. Well, at this moment in time are you absolutely sure that you can get a Perfect Score in your Countries Pre-University Standardized Test. If not, then you really don't have time to talk to your girlfriend, do you.

your mother is only trying to help, and what you are doing is working to make her life miserable. You want to know what to do. Well, stop what you are doing now, and change for the better. Its not that hard. Don't Take Your Own Side in this. Don't find reasons to argue. Stand outside yourself and see yourself as your mother sees you, and you might begin to understand.

Let me know if you have any questions. and try not to think of self-justifying yourself.... it is natural, but we can save a lot of time if you skip that step.

As a fellow teenager, I can say that it is incredibly difficult to adjust to the developing relationship between you and your gaurdians. they find it hard to let go of what they feel they are responsible for. It might be worth making it clear that you are sorry for your behaviour, but that you have to be able to work things out for yourself at times as well! She's your mother, and most probably cares for you and loves you very much, but she also has to recognise that at 16 you are becoming more independent. Although almost all adults seem to think that teenagers are immature, which in some cases we are, it is unfair to apply a stereotype. It takes an awkward amount of time for parents to adjust to the new you as much as you do!. But I think it is mature to recognise your feelings and take a stance where you are working to improve yourself. Well done for that. If you sit and properly talk to her, she should understand that she should trust you with these things =)

himynameis wrote:As a fellow teenager, I can say that it is incredibly difficult to adjust to the developing relationship between you and your gaurdians. they find it hard to let go of what they feel they are responsible for. It might be worth making it clear that you are sorry for your behaviour, but that you have to be able to work things out for yourself at times as well! She's your mother, and most probably cares for you and loves you very much, but she also has to recognise that at 16 you are becoming more independent. Although almost all adults seem to think that teenagers are immature, which in some cases we are, it is unfair to apply a stereotype. It takes an awkward amount of time for parents to adjust to the new you as much as you do!. But I think it is mature to recognise your feelings and take a stance where you are working to improve yourself. Well done for that. If you sit and properly talk to her, she should understand that she should trust you with these things =)

Dear Himnameis,

Well, generalizations founded in vast amounts of empirical data are not 'stereotypes'. As I asked the other young man to do, I think I should ask you to do the same, and that is to simply read up on Yourselves in a Childhood Development Book. Probably the best investment any young man or lady can make is to go to the local University Library and buy a book on Childhood Development. I don't know why Parents are always arguing with their children. If only they had a College Level book on Childhood Development, they could simply hold up their hand to stop whatever it is you are doing or saying, and say, "come over here and read this". It would solve a great many issues if only you young people really did know your limitations. At the Schools they 'try' to treat you like adults, because they think that it is good practice for you. But they should let you in on the secret that you are not adults and that they know it, and then wave a copy of "Childhood Development" in your faces, which is required reading for every certified teacher.

Also, teenagers have smaller brains then adults. Your brains simply have not grown up yet. They will get bigger until you are 24 or 25, and then, guess what, all sorts of Risky Behavior will come to an end -- when your brain gets big enough suddenly you get smarter about risk taking.

Anyway, it seems kind of dicey, if your primary argument is that a sixteen year old is either right or should be able to make his own mistakes, because that seems to be saying that the Mother should just throw up her arms and give up. Is that what you intend? She can't give up!. she is still responsible for him. If her son gets into trouble it is she who has to mortgage the house to raise bail bond money and for hiring lawyers slick enough to get him off. If he ends up habitually lazy and worthless, it is she who has to let him live in the basement until, what, until he is 37 years old. She has too much at stake to leave Important Life Decisions so someone who doesn't even have a fully grown brain yet.

Do we agree?

This is not about who is right or wrong. This is about how to help Joudan and to supply a RANGE of supportive answers and solution to his/her problems. There is no point trying to make people feel inferior on the basis of their brain size, because that is a ridiculous argument and besides the point or trying to help Joudan solve this issue. I give my opinion as how a fellow teenager may feel and I would like you to respect it. My parents have never told me to do anything, they leave me to it, I was newly 17 when I moved out, I have good grades and manage my time very well. Even though I have a smaller brain. Reading a book does not tell you how to solve issues within a family. Talking and trial and error does, in my opinion. Also I think that just because his attention is divided does not mean he will get into trouble and is lazy (as he said he is not) and require bail money. (which is another stereotype)

Really simple answer, your correct in reacting the ways you re because thats how you reacted. If it wasn't your bodies natural responce it would be bad but it is so its not bad. Simply know you'll be angry when your mom trys to talk to you, and ignore anything negative she says, be aware of what will happen, tell your self the exact opposite three times over. Ask people around you if what she's said is true. If you can fit it in your schedule, meditate for ten minutes a day. Visualize a barrier (any color, shape, or texture) around you, one that blocks all her negative comments and let's in anything positive, this will wire your brain to do so in an indirect way. I have the same kind of mom, so I get where your coming from, this filter method worked for me so try it your self. She's an adult so she needs her pride of being smarter then her child. Only cool/chill adults think kids can be smarter then them.

I think you'll be in an important position in the distant future. But never take pride in your intelegence or you won't become even smarter.

Have a good day!

Leo Volont wrote:Dear Himynameis,

Hmmmmm. If you were talking instead of writing, then I think I would be hearing a quick, high pitched, loud voice... almost as though your were responding angrily. Of course I may be wrong...

And that's where I stop reading, listen not to extravagant speech for those who use it do not know truth but use persuasion like a whip. First of all, if you start with an insult, with that you're already announcing your facts can't speak for themselves and you need extra points so you take a swing at 'em. I hope you learn to see wisdom in this form one day.

I have nothing more to say to you then what is above, this and for you to have a good day.

TurningGears wrote:

Leo Volont wrote:Dear Himynameis,

Hmmmmm. If you were talking instead of writing, then I think I would be hearing a quick, high pitched, loud voice... almost as though your were responding angrily. Of course I may be wrong...

And that's where I stop reading, listen not to extravagant speech for those who use it do not know truth but use persuasion like a whip. First of all, if you start with an insult, with that you're already announcing your facts can't speak for themselves and you need extra points so you take a swing at 'em. I hope you learn to see wisdom in this form one day.

I have nothing more to say to you then what is above, this and for you to have a good day.

I was making a point that the young man was appearing to be getting angry. That is not really much of an insult on this particular Page, where anger is what we are assigned to deal with. It is our subject, and it would have been odd if I had ignored it. Also, If you would have read carefully what I had written then you would have seen that I was largely reserving judgment, allowing for the possibility of my having misinterpreted his speech patterns and choice of vocabulary.

Also, beyond where you stopped reading, well, I thought it was a rather fine essay. I am so sorry that you are so quick to judgment about things. I wonder what else in life you miss out on.

Oh, I once missed out on something... for a while. Stevie Nicks, that great female rock and roll artist, songwriter and performer did an album in 2011 called "In Your Dreams"... well, that is usually what a girl would say when she is shooting a guy down, and so I was a bit quick to judge and bypassed the record. 3 years later it popped up to my attention again, and in the meantime, I guess I had mellowed. Now "In Your Dreams" is one of my favorite collections.

Oh, how old are you. I'm wondering. to be able to summon up such self-assured contempt for another human being for simply trying to do his job... I'm guess way under 40. You know, they are not kidding about "life begins at 40" before 40 years old people are likely to do anything.

TurningGears wrote:

.....Visualize a barrier (any color, shape, or texture) around you, one that blocks all her negative comments and let's in anything positive, this will wire your brain to do so in an indirect way. I have the same kind of mom, so I get where your coming from, this filter method worked for me so try it your self. She's an adult so she needs her pride of being smarter then her child. Only cool/chill adults think kids can be smarter then them.

Oh! No wonder you treated me so briskly and with such contempt. You're still just a child yourself.

Oh, Yes! What wonderful advice. To use mental imagery to drown out advice from his Mother if it goes against his own precocious wisdom. Yes, of course, if you plugged his ears and kept shouting "no no no no", well, that would hurt overly touchy adult feelings. yes, adults like to 'think' they are in charge. Heaven forbid the silliness of any Adult who thinks that a child might consider listening to a parent.

Again, for all you children who are writing in, please go and read a College Level Psychology Book on Childhood Development. You all really need to know that the way you are thinking now is honestly Pathological.

One Lady Writer I know wrote something like "When I was 10 years old I thought my mother was the greatest lady on earth. and then when I was 16 years old I thought she was the stupidest woman on earth. Now that I am 28, she is back to being the greatest lady on earth. I do wish she would stop changing so much".

leo,

i think this is why i have a problem with your idea "we must all be polite". when you politely insult, dismiss, sneer & question the intelligence of everyone who disagrees with you, is that being polite?

to me it's just wrapping paper. pretty colours. but ultimately worthless.

bert_ernie wrote:leo,

i think this is why i have a problem with your idea "we must all be polite". when you politely insult, dismiss, sneer & question the intelligence of everyone who disagrees with you, is that being polite?

to me it's just wrapping paper. pretty colours. but ultimately worthless.

Hi Bernie,


Glad you're back.

Anyway, let's start with your perceptions. Of course, being conscientious, I should point out when bad advice is bad advice. and to justify my disagreement with such bad advice, I really owe it to everybody to point out why such advice is bad. You see, explaining oneself is the difference between making broad generalized assertions -- 'Bumper Sticker' Pronouncements, and being rational and reasonable and as 'polite' as one can possibly be in a situation where the necessity of Intellectual Duty requires one to disagree with somebody. And I really didn't intend to be rude to the children that wrote in. I asked them, no, I begged them all to go read a College Level Book on "Childhood Development". if they had only done that, it would have saved me the unpleasant chore of having to tell them that their impulsive justifications for their behavior... on could scarcely call it 'reason', was a product of their well documented immaturity. No Insult. Its a Fact. For instance, I am now an old man, and I have gotten slow on the move... my legs are stiff. Would I consider it an 'insult' if someone were to say, "Well, your very slow on the move, but that is part of being old, isn't it?" Well, yes, out of the blue such a comment would be rude, but if I were to go to the Track and Field Try Outs and begin complaining that I was being cut due to prejudice and discrimination, well, someone would be duty bound to tell me the truth of the matter. In this case, Children simply are documented to be too immature to give quality advice, especially when it is so obviously Ego-Centric, so focused on their own Concerns, so aimed against Parental Authority Figures -- it is obviously their Pathology coming through in Spades. and I tried to be nice.

Bernie, your perceptions seem to be that ANY disagreement is Rude and Insulting. THAT is your problem with Anger. Look at the difference between our perceptions. My Perception in all of this has been that I have tried to be polite and restrained (oh, you should have know me years ago, when I really would have gone after those kids), but all you see is that because I disagreed with them.... I discussed something on a discussion forum... that I have proven myself to be some demon from the deepest depths of... of... the Conservative Party.

anyway, please, Bernie. Not admitting to your anger problem, and your slanted perceptions, will not make them go away. Look at the reading lists I give to other people. reading a few books might help.

leo i don't know if you're aware how you come across.

the way you use the world "children" is dismissive & disrespectful. it dismisses the opinions of others based on their age rather than the logic of their arguments. it seems to say "quiet children, the adults are speaking".

here's another thing, perhaps i can agree that on average children have less wisdom than adults. that an increase in age correlates with an increase in wisdom. however, that actually says nothing about a particular child or a particular adult. nor does it say anything about a particular piece of advice from a particular human. there are outliers. & even within one person there are moments of wisdom & moments of shortsightedness.

& more than that, there is wisdom in children because of what they don't know. they're not subject to a lot of the bias' that adults are. they don't understand a lot of the rules we have or the patterns we've seen. which also means they are not bound & confined by them. they can think outside the box & see things from a different perspective.

all of which is to say, if you are actually interested in the truth. then you can't just dismiss what someone has to say based on their age. or based on their skin color. or based on their sex. you have to actually consider their words. consider if it's true independent of who said it.

& what is this?
"not admitting to your anger problem... blah, blah, blah". yes i have an anger problem from time to time. yes my perceptions are imperfect. although really these aren't that high on my list of imperfections. well that's my perception & given that my perceptions are imperfect, who knows.

pointing out my shortcomings though doesn't fix yours. it is not that any disagreement is rude. it is that when you disagree, you tend to find a subtle way to make the other person feel small. also how are you so certain you know the truth? didn't socrates say "the only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing?" it seems like in most threads when someone else writes in giving advice alternative to your own, you feel obligated to try to rip down that advice. why?

i don't think you are more polite than you used to be. just more subtle with your jabs. i may prefer the old you who was at least direct & honest rather than hiding your true feelings behind a veneer of politeness. those feelings poke through by the way. they are more visible than you may think.

& i didn't mean to be running in here like some kind of morality police. what do i care if people disagree? but maybe there's a reason why people get upset with you. & maybe it's not just that everyone else in the world has an anger problem.

bert_ernie wrote:leo i don't know if you're aware how you come across.

the way you use the world "children" is dismissive & disrespectful. it dismisses the opinions of others based on their age rather than the logic of their arguments. it seems to say "quiet children, the adults are speaking".

here's another thing, perhaps i can agree that on average children have less wisdom than adults. that an increase in age correlates with an increase in wisdom. however, that actually says nothing about a particular child or a particular adult. nor does it say anything about a particular piece of advice from a particular human. there are outliers. & even within one person there are moments of wisdom & moments of shortsightedness.

& more than that, there is wisdom in children because of what they don't know. they're not subject to a lot of the bias' that adults are. they don't understand a lot of the rules we have or the patterns we've seen. which also means they are not bound & confined by them. they can think outside the box & see things from a different perspective.

all of which is to say, if you are actually interested in the truth. then you can't just dismiss what someone has to say based on their age. or based on their skin color. or based on their sex. you have to actually consider their words. consider if it's true independent of who said it.

& what is this?
"not admitting to your anger problem... blah, blah, blah". yes i have an anger problem from time to time. yes my perceptions are imperfect. although really these aren't that high on my list of imperfections. well that's my perception & given that my perceptions are imperfect, who knows.

pointing out my shortcomings though doesn't fix yours. it is not that any disagreement is rude. it is that when you disagree, you tend to find a subtle way to make the other person feel small. also how are you so certain you know the truth? didn't socrates say "the only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing?" it seems like in most threads when someone else writes in giving advice alternative to your own, you feel obligated to try to rip down that advice. why?

i don't think you are more polite than you used to be. just more subtle with your jabs. i may prefer the old you who was at least direct & honest rather than hiding your true feelings behind a veneer of politeness. those feelings poke through by the way. they are more visible than you may think.

& i didn't mean to be running in here like some kind of morality police. what do i care if people disagree? but maybe there's a reason why people get upset with you. & maybe it's not just that everyone else in the world has an anger problem.

Dear Ernie,

Wow! All of that was great… very thoughtful. It might take some time, though, to cover the things I want to respond to, but, yes, I admit up front, that I am only trying my best to point out ways for people to be less angry in their lives, and that undoubtedly I don’t always get it entirely right.

Yes, I was pointing out the Age of the teenagers that wrote in. The first, the initial poster, seemed quite sincere in wishing to mitigate the terrible anger he was demonstrating against his mother. Good for him. But I discerned that the primary problem was with his basic assumptions, and those were that he was right about everything and that his mother was wrong about everything, and apparently he was only looking to us for some cleverly magical scheme that would allow him to be tactful with his mother, or to convince her to go along with him and agree about everything he would say and everything that he would do. Ernie, you are an adult, and you quite admit that adults are wiser in this regards. The teenager seemed to me to be clearly stuck in a dysfunctional developmental phase. Maybe nothing can be done about this, that a teenager stuck in this Developmental Phase, of being independent to the point of assuming a personal omniscience, is, for all practical purposes effectively insane (and really insane people have no idea that they are cognitively delusional… their mind and perceptions, to the best judgment available to them, seem just fine. They would think that I am the crazy one for assuming that they have the least little problem at all in their perceptions or their thought processes). But I was hoping that by an appeal to an Authority which they might respect – a big old College Book on Psychology, specifically Childhood Development, that they could consider the possibility that Mom might be right and that it was possible that they were the one’s chiefly at fault for unreasonably rejecting Mom’s good advice about everything. Well, apparently they felt so certain of their mental health and cognitive functions, that they simply blew off my advice (they write in for advice, but only follow what appeals to them, but what appeals to them is part of their problem).

BUT, having thought over your criticisms, well, Ernie, I have to admit that you are right here… after they ignored my advice to read up on their condition, I should have walked away. Yes, I can see now how rude it was to call them, well, effectively dysfunctional straight to their faces. Indeed, they are, but still, one does not call fat people ‘fat’ or ugly people ‘ugly’ simply because it is true. So, Ernie, yes, you are right and I did over-step. You know, I am still new at all this, and it will take some practice. But at least the teenagers have a better awareness now of what a significant portion of the Adult World thinks of their overbearing certainty that only they themselves possess the Golden Key to Knowledge and Understanding, and that all of those in Authority over them are either stupid or driven by some unspoken agenda to tyrannize and oppress them for reasons that they cannot even begin to fathom, except that it must somehow be in league with Absolute Evil.

Oh, then you go on about the “Wisdom of Children”. Well…. yes, young children. It is all about their Phase of Development. You are perhaps alluding to the Age of Conceptualization, when Children begin to picture concepts in their mind and associate them more or less correctly with other concepts in their mind…. I think this hits at about Age 8 (It did for me…. I had this One Week when I was 8 years old where everything hit me all at once… suddenly I understood everything that I had been asking my father about for years… he would explain but nothing ever really made any sense to me because, well, I couldn’t conceptualize and associate the imagery in such a way as to actually ‘see’ in my mind what was happening regarding the things I was asking about. Then suddenly, all starting in that one week, I ‘saw’ everything. For that week I must have been walking around with my mouth agape in sheer wonder at it all. But when I hit 16, well, then it was all lost to that insanity of willful rebellion, where all Truth is blown away by the apparently irresistible urge to reject, reject, reject.).

Oh, about YOUR problem… well, after such a sterling essay, I find myself tending on de-emphasizing any small problem you might have. Anyone who writes like that can’t possibly have much of a problem.

Oh, but Socrates. I honestly think I would have voted for the Hemlock (oh, and traditionally when someone in Athens was given the Death Sentence, well, the Jail Keepers would tacitly leave the Cell Door open, and a fast horse outside, along with a packed suitcase. It was understood that you would only be put to death if you were still there to be found the next morning. Other Greek Cities would accept such people, in the same way that England received people running from France, or Russia receives people running from America and visa versa . And he could always have gone into the Persian Empire which was home to many Greeks.) Anyway, have you read Plato? Socrates, for all of his Logic, was most known for being socially and politically cynical. He rejected all qualities based on Aesthetics and only accepted verifiable Truths such as 2 plus 2 equals 4. It effectively meant that he rejected all Morality and all standards of taste and beauty. And his largest following was among, guess whom?... Young People – the Authority rejecting Rebels. Now, yes, I can understand why Socrates has been resurrected as some Prophet and Saint for our equally cynical Modern Age. The Age we live in today is also effectively contemptuous of Morality and of Standards of Taste and Beauty. But forgive me if I find all of that grim, nasty, colorless, and as it is all wrapped together, something of a harbinger of doom. Society needs Goodness and Beauty, even if it is a bit of a trick to prove any of it on a purely Materialistic Basis.

Oh, I am indeed more polite than I used to be. Nowadays, there are so many things that I simply set aside as being uncalled for and over the line. But years ago, well, I would say or write anything that I thought was bitingly clever. In its own way, well, it really was very clever, very funny. Oh, I could still be subtle… that was part of the fun. But I crossed every line (well, ‘most’ every line – I was always too squeamish to mention body functions, physical disabilities, and other such things. Even then, I stuck to a mostly Intellectual Plane) to get the laughs at the expense of the humiliation of those I went up against (who for the most part went up against me first… to do myself justice, I never really humiliated anybody who was not really stepping forward into it and practically begging for it). Yes, you would have liked it. Perhaps a great deal of it was ‘over the line’, but even back then I appreciated a good and thorough respect for Intellectual Integrity. So you would have liked it because it had the sound and feeling of being True, and let the devil take the hind most. But those Excesses are now behind me, and I am far far more circumspect. I now say that it was not really fair. Nobody is used to being humiliated like that, and it must have really stung these people, even if they were the ones who started it. They came at me with ‘little pea shooters’ of what they thought was wit and cleverness. And then I blasted them off the face of the earth with a cannon. So, really, to be fair, I really need to just Think what I Think and keep my laughs to myself, and to reserve for actual speech and writing that which would be in response to somebody in the same League…. A Peer, an Equal. It is like the Code of Chivalry, where one reserves one’s sword for other Knights, and would never dream of cutting down a mere peasant or shopkeeper. So, now, I am the Kinder and Gentler me… frequently chuckling to myself, but for the most part an exemplar of Politeness (and thank you for pointing out my derelictions… I will try to correct them).

Anyway, Ernie, this has been fun. Again, thank you. That was a great post… a classic!