Help

I'm don't know why I'm doing this, but I can't say none of this without look insane... Insanity perhaps that's the only thing I feel. Sometimes when I think i feel love turns out to be lust, when I think I feel sadness turns out to be hatred... God, I've a lot of hatred... And I lie constantly, very often to boost my life status or to destroy someone I don't like or I feel jealous of them... I met this girl last week, Carolina, and I manipulate her like a puppet and that's not worst part... There's this animalistic thing crawling and scratching inside of me, trying to get out... Saying to me to stab her so goddamn hard...watch her tears on her face, looking into her eyes while I'm stabbing her and keep stabbing and stabbing and stabbing while feeling the breeze of her last breath, I always got a eraction from it don't know why. I feel empty inside, I don't love any of my relative, when I'm apologize for something, I don't feel sorry or meant that. This emptiness is killing me, I've been trying to act like a normal person with feelings my entire life, even when I was 3 years old I didn't feel nothing about my grandfather death. Sometimes I watched my female coworkers and all i can see is me hurting them, skin them off, chopping off their fingers and eyes, cutting their member with a saw, maybe that's why i stay away from them at all. I just wanted a normal life without pretending or having these thoughts or lying. It feels so good to finally say it "out loud". I'm trying my hardest to keep this thoughts and hatred inside me...if it get outs I know for sure who is going to be...Carolina...that poor girl should've never met me because I have very hatred for her. So doc what hell is happening to me?