compulsive overeating

Walked today 11 minutes. I thought my daily walk was 15 but when I carefully timed it and walked fast, it was 11. So I am going to work on that. I found my husband's stash of chewing gum and although I don't care for gum, I realize it is hard to eat pretzels with gum in your mouth so that will be step one for the above mentioned problems. I weighed in at 248, I did not lose 2 pounds just wrote 250 yesterday as it was a nice even number. Everyone has their rock bottom and I am hoping 250 is mine. I saw a post here about not enough love in your life and I don't feel that is my situation as I am surrounded by many loving people. My childhood was messed up and possibly had a lack of love there so I probably have some issues to work out there. Did some research online last night so have a few ideas coming up....

Good day/bad day, The gum idea worked as long as I wasn't really hungry. Started a food diary. The problem before with a food diary was I kept losing the notebook, so I put it on the computer. I looked at on line journals but decided to make my own template on Word, quicker access as I don't have to log in, and plenty of room to write in food in case I have a bad day and need to write a hundred snacks. Also I don't want the calories yet (unless it is printed on the box) because I don't want to make the food diary too much of an inconvenience, while I just get the habit of recording food established. Now the bad news. Went out the dinner to celebrate a special event. Talked it over with my husband, the healthy choices I was going to make at the restaurant. When the waiter came over I became possessed and ordered the most decadent item on the menu. I will spare you the details, but I am pretty sure the food probably contained at least 3,500 calories. Then I went home and ate dessert.
Really going to have to stop doing that. Lots of guilt even though I know the guilt is unproductive. Refuse to give up, tomorrow will be better.

Day 3 (of me caring what I am doing to myself with too much food) The scale broke. No really it has stopped working correctly. Changed the battery. It is giving me wrong weights like 220, it is weighing my husband wrong also. So that's not too great for my self esteem, knowing I broke the scale. So no weights until I buy a new one. Which I will in the next payday.
Haven't walked, yet. Have to go to work soon so feel I don't have time, plus saving my energy as my job is physical. Will walk in the afternoon.
Valentines day, three boxes of chocolate in the house, leftover cake from yesterday. The good news is I am cooking and have a relatively healthy meal planned.

You could try this video, it works for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCAMhb_I ... YwdCN2DLoN

Thank you JuliusFawcett, I checked it out and I like the fact that it is not a traditional meditation as I have had trouble concentrating, lately. I will try visiting the link every morning, as I need all the help I can get.

Did not walk today. Recorded what I ate. Managed not to snack much because I didn't want to have to chew gum. Still making some poor food choices. Will keep trying

It's my pleasure

Better counter your eating habits, just eating is harmful in health. If you cannot control your eating habits, just make a way to lose some fats. Otherwise you may try exercise, go to a fitness gym, jogging and so many recreational activities. It is important that you balance your eating habit.

Day 4. thanks Fackeffaced, having a very difficult time controlling my eating habits. Checked a friend's scale and weighed in at 249. The valentine holiday was rough. I equate a lot of this to alcoholism as I have three siblings that are/were of normal weight but are very much alcoholics. One has quit drinking and has gained considerable weight as a result. I see food as my drug of choice, I really don't like alcohol, maybe having a rare glass of wine once in a while. I have been addicted to cigarettes and other drugs, and at the moment I am totally clean and left with nothing but a looming food addiction. My husband has offered to take the family on a family walk today, after seeing my depression at yet another pound gained. I am looking forward to that as it includes a drive in the woods which is one of my few noncaloric pleasures.
I am very much aware that weight loss is 80% diet and 20% exercise. From what I have read and from personal experience. In my 20's I quit smoking for the first try. I walked 45 minutes every morning all over town, at the end of one month I had GAINED 10 pounds. But I was eating whatever I wanted and then some.
I know muscle burns more calories so lifting weights would be beneficial, I am struggling to make these commitments, when I succeed I won't need this forum anymore.

Walked 20 minutes on a nice path in the woods, recorded everything I ate, trying to drink only water, tea and 4oz. of milk a day. (I have been diagnosed recently with low vit. D). Read an article on fatty foods being like cocaine addiction, (sounds about right), made some better choices today.

Good work

Day 5. Thanks, JuliusFawcett. Appreciate the support. Walked 19 minutes. Doing better about not snacking between meals (fear of the dreaded gum). Very hungry at each meal though, would like to work on eating slowly but it doesn't seem to occur to me until about half way through. (I think I go into a food blackout) but like any new habit must keep tying until it becomes a habit. Starting to google a few calorie counts to add to my food journaling. Lunch today was 1,015 so it looks like I have some work to do on portion control. Need to start measuring things, make sure my guesses are in the ball park. I know about the deck of cards and the fist and the 2 dice to estimate portions. Just never cared before, looks like I need to start caring in order to change.

Thinking about body image today. I feel huge. I feel like I take up a lot of space. Yet I wonder why it has taken me so long to care about my weight. Am I the opposite of an anorexic? Do I look in the mirror and think "Oh, that's not so bad I am not too big." when I am too big. I am confused, should I run around pretending I am skinny? Would that help? I know visualization is helpful. So visualizing that I have a proper body weight would be helpful. I must admit when I try to visualize myself thin it is like a fun house mirror where the image keeps ballooning back out to a large size (and larger) then back to thinness. I once heard about an oriental mind trick, where you can affect the way people perceive you with the power of your mind. When I walk into a room and feel like a huge beach ball, do people catch the aura of that? Can I change the way they perceive me with the power of my mind? Or is it only about confidence and the way I carry myself.
If I pretend I am thin then I don't have a problem and have no reason to change. If I understand that I am fat I have very low self esteem and fear even leaving the house, because I know people are looking down on me and wondering why I can not control myself.

Do you feel satisfied with your life?

I am mostly satisfied with my life. I have been married 25 years to a kind man. No man is perfect and we have had our problems but I really can't complain. When I was young I was determined not to have a relationship like my parents and I have succeeded in that. My mom feared my dad and I vowed to never marry a man I would fear. I have a great kid, no complaints there. I do not have many friends, mostly acquaintances, I have ruined many friendships by being too sensitive and blowing things out of proportion. I have also lost a few friends through drugs and alcohol.
I am OK not having too many friends as many of them have tried to be overly friendly with my kind husband!
I have a few career issues. I have spent most of my life doing part time jobs and my career has suffered as a result. I can't seem to find something that really suits me. I am not very social by nature and although I do my best to overcome it I sometimes feel I have a bit of autism spectra disorder as Asperger's runs in the family.
If I have to pinpoint problems with my weight, and I realize your question is to help me think about these issues rather than your interest, I just quit smoking marijuana 47 days ago. I have a history of substance abuse. I stopped using methamphetamine,(20 years ago). I stopped a 30 year cigarette habit 2 years ago, (although I recently bought an electronic cigarette because I thought maybe it would help guard against the weight gain that I always experience from quitting anything). But the reason I am desperately attacking the weight issue is because if I gain a lot of weight quitting marijuana, I will go back to it or I will start smoking cigarettes.
I know the real question is why do I feel the need to hurt myself with drugs and/or food? So I probably need therapy. I can't afford it right now. That' why I am using this forum. It is not about recording my weight and saying that I walked, although it helps me be accountable, what I really need to do is tell you my story, tell you about my childhood. To tell somebody and get it out of my system. It won't replace therapy, but maybe it will lift enough of a burden to help me lose some of this weight. But not today, I want to think about it first, so tomorrow.