My angry outbursts have ruined my life, I'm ready to get bet

Hey Everyone,

I literally just joined the site after finding it on Google. I just got home from the grocery store after a horrible public outburst, and it almost went to physical blows. Keep in mind, I'm female, and this guy was crazy and starting it. But then I always take it way too far and have to humiliate people in public beyond recognition.

I burn so many bridges in my life with family, friends, and decades and decades of disgusting public outbursts, and the only reason I don't physically fight anymore is because I don't want to wind up in jail. My last physical fight was in 2005 thankfully, and the wake-up call was I literally almost went to jail when the police came as far as physical fights.

Keep in mind, I don't pick fights with people out of the blue. I'm not a bully in that regard, but if people cross me, I have to humiliate them in ways they never thought possible. I experienced so many dehumanizations and humiliations when I was younger, it's like the PTSD memories come back into play and everything goes black, and I literally say the most horrible things you could ever imagine to complete strangers when they cross me.

I scream and yell at the top of my lungs the most dark, awful things to make them feel the pain I do. At the same time, there been times where the bully initiated with me as an adult, but then I go above and beyond. It's like I get angry and embarrassed afterward, but then I also feel satisfaction like everything is evening out in my life when I get back at people when I humiliate them publicly.

The sad thing is there have been a number of guys/relationships I've been interested in my life, but my anger and paranoia of them cheating and doing other things comes into play. I totally blew it with this amazing guy I was talking to for 10 months, and he indicated he didn't want to talk to me anymore because of my anger yesterday.

I laid it out on the line and told him everything that's going on in an extremely lengthy letter yesterday, but I'm 99% sure he will never write back and I'm fine with that for the time being. There's other fish in the sea, I just need to figure out how to get through this toxic behavior everyone. I'm being so vulnerable right now because I know you are all probably going through the same thing.

The sad thing is if you all met me, you would have no idea the rage that is beneath. At the same time, I always remind people they have nothing to be terrified about because I never initiate these type of fights with friends, it's always with strangers or in my romantic life if I feel they're cheating or doing me wrong.

I promised myself everyday I won't do it, I won't get into these ugly outbursts and have to humiliate people, and then a time will pass and I think I'm good. But then something will happen in public where I feel like I'm being done wrong, and it's above and beyond, it often scares me how loud I can yell and the terrible things I say to people.

Not surprisingly, I've been banned from a number of places locally, and over the years because of my angry outbursts in public. It's devastating to think I'm such a nice sweet person 95% of the time, and I'm the best friend and confidant ever.

I'm offering you my prayers, friendship, an ear to listen, advice, as I'm just coming here humbly. I think my problem in my real life is I often have to be the star of the show and need an audience. But I just need to find a circle of people I can be among and be humble, and better myself to the best of my ability through probably the amazing advice and friends I could make here.

I'm honestly getting emotional and never thought I would be writng this, I think I'll wrap it up, but this is me, and I'm just trying to figure everything out. I can't afford the local anger management classes, I wish I was in a circle in a room talking with you all right now, but this will be fine too. Thank you and God bless.