Lashing out over almost anything

Dear Batoutahell

You use so many abbreviations and those ‘letter sequences’ that only mean anything to the Initiated. But I think I basically understand your problem. You seem to be under a great deal of stress, or I HOPE you are under a great deal of stress, because you would really have a huge Problem if you acted so frightfully over just the simple day by day stuff,… but that may indeed be the Case. In addition to being Stressed Out, whether or not your Situation truly warrants so much fretting, you also seem to have very little Impulse Control. I noticed in your Post that while you haven’t the Impulse Control to maintain a decent decorum with your husband, well, you expect him to have a kind of rock-steady Impulse Control in regards to how he reacts to your attacks and abuse. This would indicate that you feel some special entitlement. This could also give us a clue about the source of your Stress. Whether you Should or Not, you FEEL Entitled to some Special Extra SOMETHING from the Universe and from everyone whose path you cross, and so it seems Unbearable for you that you are treated the way you are… which is no worse than what everyone else gets and has come to expect from Life and from Others.

I guess we could call it Disappointed Pride. People talk about Pride as though it is a Good Thing, but they should take a Clue from the Old Religious Wisdom that Pride is the Chief and Foremost Vice. You know what they say… “pride goeth before a fall”. We have White Pride and Black Pride, but to the Outside Observer it just all seems like Hate. Pride is the Feeling we have For Ourselves, but what is Reflected to Everybody Else is our Hate. The best path to take in our Life Journey is the way of humility. Humble People are not nearly as obnoxious as Proud people, are they?

When people are young they may have all of the Hope in the World and expect a Great Life – Wealth, Happiness, and the adoration of the masses. Most People get over this Delusion and learn to Settle for their Common Condition. But a handful of people never get over their perceived Loss. “It Was All Supposed to Be Better than This”… the thought that runs underneath everything else they think. So they react in anger and frustration.

Medication might help with the symptoms you complain of. But what most of those Meds do is they just tamper down and deaden EVERYTHING. You don’t really want that. You know, if you ever Re-Directed all your Negative Energy and Fretting, well, it could all turn in the Direction of Happiness and a kind of Fun-Lovingness in your General Disposition. But not if you are Zombied out on Meds.

Anyway, do let me know if I seem in any of this to be on the right track?

MDD, major depression disorder
ADHD, attention deficit hyper activity disorder
TIA, thanks in advance

I think anyone with six kids and two businesses has a lot of stress, so yes. I will say there is a great deal of stress at almost any given time.

I have never thought of myself as an entitled person, but I guess any entitled person would say they don't view themselves as entitled. I will need to do some self evaluation.

Meds are not an option, so that doesn't matter either way. I will be figuring this out without chemical assistance.

I do have trouble with impulse control, that is directly related to ADHD. I wonder if there are some activities or exercises to help with impulse control?

And would certainly hope that not everyone deals with their husbands saying things like, "Go **** yourself". He did later apologize for say that, however.

Thank you for your response.

Dear Batouttahell,

I’m so glad you wrote back. And you addressed all of my concerns! Thank you for the Translation of the ‘Letter Things’. And you were positive and, well, easy going in your response to what I said. With New Posters, while maintaining a formal ‘correctness’ I do try to be just ‘borderline gruff’ enough to elicit Anger from anybody who REALLY has no ability to control themselves. You handled that little test beautifully, so, yes, I think you are right about the Stress – juggling Two Careers, a Husband who can be a bit nervous himself, and six children, who are all nervous and problematic almost by definition – well, you Poor Thing, you are probably worn down to a frazzle most of the time. But it is a good sign that you can maintain a calmness during Purpose Focused Moments – such as replying to a Forum Post.

Here is an Idea out of the Blue -- the With stress, even short little Cat Naps would help, but with a couple jobs and all your family responsibilities, well, I can almost guess that you are probably only getting 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night. Chronic Sleep Deprivation makes people punchy, but in this Modern World I believe it is certain that Most Career People aren’t getting nearly enough regular sleep. Many people ‘binge’ on sleep during the Weekends. But Family Responsibilities and Intrusions and perhaps even Weekend Work Hours prevent your ever catching up on sleep. I have read… and I have Seen… that often people who chronically go without sufficient sleep will suddenly develop some weird ailment – some Flu out of Nowhere, which will prostrate them… essentially Forcing them to Go To Bed. Such Ailments are not created by your Body-Mind to do you any lasting harm – they are just intended to knock you down and keep you down for a while until you can recoup your Rest. So if you get Hit by some Surprise Illness, well, just go with the Flow and don’t fight it.

Oh, about Exercises and Techniques. Usually I recommend Books – Anger Management Books. All the Anger Management Books – the one’s that get High Reviews – are full of various Ideas and Techniques. But I anticipate that you are far too busy to sit down and Read… and the Attention Deficit Hyper-Activity Thing probably prevents you from being a Steady Reader. That being said, may I suggest a few ‘Exercises’? FIRST: stop swearing. I am not saying that just because I am Prissy. But the Problem with Swearing is that IT sort of Primes your Mind for an Angry Tirade. Think about it…. Almost Every Time you get Really Angry, DOESN’T IT START with an Initial ‘Sharp Epithet’ – It seems like Most People can’t get Angry without Cussing First – it is like a Big Angry Punctuation Mark BEFORE a sentence. Would People STILL get angry if they did not Introduce their Dramatic Scene with some Famous Four Letter Word? I really don’t think so. Swearing seems like an Integral Ingredient for Excessive Over-the-Top Anger.

Next, try not to use Swear Words in your Thinking. This goes into Not Promoting Negativity. Yes, Everyone Tells You that BEING Negative starts with Thinking Negatively, and so stop thinking Negatively. But HOW do you do that? Well, you can concentrate on just One Easy To Identify Goal – Catching Thoughts that use Cuss Words. Just Re-Phrasing those Thoughts – even while the Revised Thought and the ‘Blue’ Thought may MEAN exactly the same thing, well the Calmer Language In Your Head well go a great deal toward Preventing Situations in which you Rile Yourself Up with your own Provoking and intrinsically Hostile Thoughts. After all, isn’t it true that Swear Words are almost exclusively designed for expressing Hostility?

It may take Years to get fully in the habit of not saying or even thinking in terms of swear words. But, once accomplished, you will certainly be more under control. It just takes Practice. You Only Have to Realize to Yourself, with some brief Conscious Thought, that you ‘Crossed the Line’ every time you Say or Think a Cuss Word. Your Behavior will slowly but automatically change over time, if you can keep that up that Practice.

Next, in most cases Angry Episodes are accompanied and intensified by an Adrenaline Rush. Now, Adrenaline Rushes SEEM to most Everybody as being Instantaneous – from Zero to 100MPH in no time at all… just Instantly Over The Top. BUT, actually, an Adrenaline Rush has to ‘GO’ for … well, I guess just less than 2 Seconds, to get Enough Adrenaline in the Bloodstream to create a Monstrously Angry Scene. For instance, a Loud Noise may make you Jump – that Jump is a Mini-Adrenaline Rush, but AS SOON AS IT HAPPENS you already know it was just some Silly Noise, and so the Adrenaline Immediately Turns Off, and you are okay again after only having to ‘catch your breath’ and ‘shake it off’. The Same Thing Happens when Angry Adrenaline Hits, but People do not Know to Stop It, or they don’t Know it has Started until it has gone too far to stop. But if you Pay Attention, you can Identify Some Physical Feeling that seems the FIRST SIGN of an Adrenaline Rush. Remember, you have less than two seconds to Stop the Process, so you have to be Aware and Ready. For Myself, I always clinch my teeth. When a sales person is rude… I clinch my teeth. When a Kitty is naughty… I clinch my teeth. THAT clinching of the teeth is my signal to STOP IT – to treat it like some Loud but Harmless Noise. This Technique works and it works with relatively little practice. It seems that it is kind of Easy to Stop an Adrenaline Rush once you know what to look for and what to do about it.

Let me know if any of that seems to help. Oh… and so far I think we are making progress…

It's funny that you brought up the language. I know have a foul mouth, and I recently decided to try to work on it. I didn't take into account my internal dialogue. It makes sense that aggressive language would lead to aggressive thoughts which lead to, well, aggression.

I will try the clenching of the jaw when I get that "AAGGGHHHHH" jolt.

I have been reading an anger management book, but you are correct in that I have trouble reading at long intervals. It has been helpful, it just takes me a while to work trough because I have to read the same paragraph 3 or 4 times sometimes. I will persevere, I have to.

I had another tough day yesterday. I just took another "mommy minute". I locked my self in the laundry room and did some yoga breathing. It didn't make it all better, but it helped a great deal in the moment.

Bitchcuntfromhell wrote:….
I will try the clenching of the jaw when I get that "AAGGGHHHHH" jolt.

Hmmmm? Let me check to see if you understand what I was trying to say back in my last Post. In regards to your Jaw Muscles Clenching, well, THAT is the First Sign of an Impending Adrenaline Rush. What You Do with That is you simply wait and watch for whenever your Jaw Muscles Clench, and THEN you simply tell yourself “Whoa Girl!”… in my case it is “Whoa Boy!”… oh, maybe the word ‘whoa’ is a Generational Thing… an Old Person Thing… you see, ‘whoa’ was what they used to say to Horses to make them stop… well, People with horses today STILL say “whoa” to their horse to make It stop, but perhaps it is true that not that many people know that much about horses nowadays). But What If Something Else on your ‘person’… your ‘body’ twitches or ‘feels funny from the First Tingle of Adrenaline… that is, What if Something Else ‘triggers’ before your Jaw Muscles. Well, THAT is what you are to Watch For. You get Angry Often Enough, so just keep watching for Some Funny Feeling right before you “Go Off” on somebody. Whatever the Adrenaline Signal is for You, well, that is your Clue. For me it is my Jaw Muscles, but you might have a Different Experience. That is what ‘All the Books’ say, anyway….

Bitchcuntfromhell wrote:….
I have been reading an anger management book, but you are correct in that I have trouble reading at long intervals. It has been helpful, it just takes me a while to work trough because I have to read the same paragraph 3 or 4 times sometimes. I will persevere, I have to.

Yes, that is sufficient. Even during the days of my most intense struggle against Anger, I rarely spent more than 20 minutes at a time with such a book. Anger Management Books are pithy – dense with Information – and so they are Tiring. It is hard to sustain enough Energy to read them at Advantage. And about you having to read each paragraph several times to understand it, well, MOST people Do Not re-read Paragraphs AND they DON’T understand what they have just read. They read ANY Book as though it is a cheap romance novel, and just go through it, lucky to get whatever they get from it, but often in addition to Missing A Lot, well, they probably Get the Wrong Impression on some of the material and what they Remember is simply Not what the book said. So, yes, even myself, and I have no diagnosed Attention Deficit Hyper-Activity problem, even I quite often Re-Read paragraphs… I even go back if I think I didn’t quite get a sentence right….

Anyway, you are Obviously Serious about taking on your Anger. Just remember not to Slack Off. Often Angry People will have some initial Success and not get Angry for a few weeks or even a few months, but this may simply be because Things Got Better, Easier and Less Stressful for a While, and so therefore they think that they No Longer Have a Problem and they Discontinue Working on their Anger Problem … and Then they Flip Out again. So remember to Keep Going and DON’T let a few Early Successes or a few Smooth Patches (thank God for ‘Smooth Patches’… they certainly are Few and Far Between, aren’t they?)

So Keep writing and I will keep thinking for anything that might help you…


I had another tough day yesterday. I just took another "mommy minute". I locked my self in the laundry room and did some yoga breathing. It didn't make it all better, but it helped a great deal in the moment.[/quote]