I want to feel normal!

Hey

I am lost and need help. I am in contact unhappy mode since 6 months. This will be little long post.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. He is Canadian and I am Indian.I live in canada. I was born and brought up in india. I live with my boyfriend past 2 years. Last november, I had a small incident where i live that just threw me off and put me in panic mode. I decided to go to india for a visit. My parents came back with me to stay with us (me and my boyfriend)for 4 months. Few days then i use to feel sad. like i remember calling my boyfriend and just crying and saying"i dont feel good". Thats all i knew. But i use to smoke that time, so i use to feel better once i was home.

as my parents were leaving, me and my bf got in big fight(biggest we had so far). and then for 2 weeks i was just disconnected with world. Like i felt no feelings. I felt numb. When we went to drop of my parents, i was sad but not crying. I started questioning myself that why m not crying, something is off. I stopped smoking since then, as it made me very anxious and feeling like im going crazy and will die.
I kept researching online that do i have some mental disorder? All day at work, i just did one thing-google!
All i was doing was trying to find a reason for me feeling"off". Like someone just switched off a button in my mind, where i stopped feeling the connection with my family, my sister, my boyfriend. Then i went to hospital one day thinking im getting a heart attack, all it was a panic attack. I got a relief and then a question popped- DO I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND? is my unhappiness/ off feeling because i dont want to live with him and just want my family? Like i know i love my family and miss them being around-but i need to realise that i am 28 and cant live with them all the time.
I kept comparing my feelings, checking how im feeling with him, I dnt feel like having sex with him. I just feel like cuddling him, hugging him. But then a voice comes"are you acting? "I feel anxious when i hear I love you. I ask my friend, who are married that how they feel about there husband? and then i feel-why i dont feel like that-that menas i dont love him? Sometimes i feel i have anxiety and thats making me not feel the love, I feel better after that (but still this off feeling doesn't go away). And then i worry "of its not anxiety-may be i dont love hima and just trying to fool everyone and live in denial"

I am going for CBT, but she doesn't get it. She focuses only on my relationship and how to make it better. I am very scared. I just want to be like i was 6 months back. Happy with him!

one thing that has got stuck in my head is that-may be i should marry someone from my culture? May be then i will not have these issues. May be we are not meant t be together and i am just in denial? May be i will just break up one day. Now i am getting convinced that i dont want him. But i really dont want to lose him. He is the best person i ever know.

at this very moment, i feel like breaking up with him. ! May be i dont want him anymore? And im just anxious to let this relation go?

I hope to get some help there?