I am easily, and readily, upset by simplistic things - the sorts of things that would upset a small child, whilst maintaining little to no emotional response to major issues. A recent example: I was the subject of sexual assault. This did not bother me whatsoever - in fact, I continued to attend the class where the assault occurred, and continued to speak with the professor who instigated the assault as before. When my sibling ignored me while I spoke about cleaning up after himself, however, I became extremely agitated. The kinds of responses which would have been appropriate in return for the assault.
This is an uncomfortable, severely uncomfortable, dichotomy with my internal equilibrium. It may be a common affirmation, but I feel as though I could lose all of my family members, or otherwise important ties, and feel nothing at all (it may be of importance to note that I have, indeed, lost important ties and felt nothing at all when I expected to feel a great deal - hence furthering this point). But the same would be said if I were to be lost with regards to their feelings towards me. It has been suggested to me that I am experiencing disassociation, however I have no idea how to "reconnect", if such a thing is, indeed, possible. And if that is truly the case - disassociation - why am I prone to immature outbursts over overly simplistic things?
I have posted this particular issue in "depression" because I believe that the apathy may be strongly correlated with it. I have suffered, as many have, from depression in the fast - till the point of rash and poor decisions simply because I no longer cared for myself whatsoever. Though I have made progress, I am worried that I may return to that place if I continue along this path.
To clarify, so as to keep from receiving advice contrary to my current position:
- ▽ I am twenty years old
▽ I am a student
▽ I am healthy, both with regards to daily exercise, diet, and sleep
▽ I do not have any issues with my appearance/body though I did when I was younger
▽ My family dynamics are generally distant, and at times cold (poor parenting during childhood as well) with a "If you cannot see it, it doesn't exist"/"Everyone is happy, everything is fine" type ideology
▽ My friendships were extremely unhealthy throughout high school and, thus, I cut just about all of my ties before I entered university
▽ I have experienced abuse in my childhood
▽ I am not a pessimist despite what has happened; I am sincerely committed to improving my state of affairs, and do not believe I am a lost cause
I am hoping for clear, coherent responses to this issue. If possible, someone with firsthand examples, if not experience. I am open to anything from criticism to daily advice for the issue at hand.
