A bit worrying

Yeah being a Chef is rough work....Hahaha, I slaved over a hot wok for 5 years at my family's Chinese establishment, so think I understand how you might feel coming home after a long day....good to see you've found a much more chill job.

I think you might already recognize for yourself that even though you are not hitting your girlfriend, the destruction of property in front of her is still considered abuse. It happens when we have the desire to hit the other person, but our "safeguards" kick in which prevents us from doing harm to the other person, so we then have to take it out on an inanimate object instead.

Yeah, its easy to just say...control your anger, but when the stress level is up, it really weakens our defenses for controling anger. So the best thing to do in that situation is to tell her, "I feel really tired right now because of ______, and I'd like to talk about this when I'm up to it, ok?" Then remove yourself from the situation until you feel that you can handle a cooperative conversation. I've found that sometimes my level of stress was so high, that no amount of focusing worked....rather than trying to have a constructive conversation with the person, the next best decision was to remove myself from that stimuli before something bad happened.

Thats when you can't deal with the situation because of stress.

When you are able to engage the situation, here are some communication tips:

1. Connect with your needs...anger comes from unmet needs, so use that anger as an indication for you to probe into what is causing it.

2. Connect with her needs. Her words might hurt if you choose to listen to only her words. Instead, connect with her feelings by not addressing the words at all, but rather those feelings. Ask her, "Are you feeling _______ because ________?" Remember that behind every statement, there is a motivation that comes from her needing something. Ingore the statement--look for the need.

3. When in doubt, always use nonconfrontational questions instead of statements. Statements can be attacked, but questions are difficult to attack.

4. If stress is a constant thing, then find creative ways to let that energy out so it doesn't reach your breaking point. I chose competitive martial arts for my outlet, but it could be any number of outlets. Pick something physical to release that energy.

5. Discuss with her the events that led to your stress so that she can recognize and better understand how it works inside of you. Let her know exactly the things that stress you out. You should also find out the same information about her. By identifying those things, you can better understand the triggers that set you both off and try to proactively avoid them.

Success!!
~Tristan

THanks for the reply and the advice. We have talked about it an many of the thijngs we cam eup with was what you have mentioned here so im ust be doing something right! Am feeling a bit more positive about things now and on Monday am seeing the doctor for something unrelated but i was gonna mention it to him and see if he can refer me to any books or anything.
Thanks again for the advice

Hi djchrismassey,

Losing your temper has two angles: 1) it is biological and 2) it is psychological.

The first is usually overlooked by psychologists.

Having worked (as a Probation and Parole Officer) with people who have great difficult controlling their anger, we have found that many such offenders had hypoglycemia.

This is a condition where the person has problems converting glucose to biological energy called ATP. Biological energy is necessary in the production of the feel good neurotransmitter such as serotonin.

See:

Biological Energy Required in Serotonin Production - SAM-e

The non-drug treatment is going on a Hypoglycemic Diet.

The other aspect is the problem of the self-image. We could have a negative self-image as a result of biological disorder, because we would not have control over our emotions. Or again we could have a low self-esteem as a result of past (maybe childhood) experiences.

We have a program that helps people, over come a negative self-image by means of mental exercises that is explained in our self-help psychotherapy course.

The best way is start studying:

What is Transactional Analysis?

It shows that the self-image is created by the PARENT ego within us. If it is loaded with negative messages, it means that the self-image is negative. People then tend to react from their inner CHILD and become defensive or overly sensitive to perceived criticism. The course includes an Assertiveness Training program, helping you to learn appropriate non-aggressive defences against perceived criticism. This is especially important in regard to criticisms coming from within the self.

If both parties study this course, they will soon learn how to avoid their emotional reactions and stay in the ADULT at all times.

You might even have great fun doing the course.

In summary, losing one’s temper is usually a combination of hypoglycemia and lack of social skills due to a low self-esteem.

Both can be overcome by yourself , if you devote some time studying the subject.