Anxiety and Love

Hi everyone . I'm the partner of someone who has suffered with anxiety for years.

I really need to know from you guys if what he feels is to do with anxiety.
We've been together for 6 years now, and I feel like our relationship is great mostly. We've been through a lot together and always loved and supported eachother through the ups and downs of life. If anything goes wrong then both count on eachother without a shadow of a doubt.
I know everything about him down to the smallest details and same with him. We have all the REAL stuff between us, the things that MEANS something in the long term of life. When we first met, we were head over heals and crazy about eachother.

My concern is, every now and then and a lot more now, he tells me he doesn't feel that 'spark' anymore, he doesn't feel 'excitment' he doesn't feel that buzz. And I explained that it's totally normal because as a relationship grows, you get that 'mature' love and the comfort. You get the real bond.
Any of his exes that he claims have had all that excitement with has never actually known anything about him! Like they didn't know him on a personal level.

I personally think this is due to his anxiety because he suffers from it really bad. And it's like, he wants everything in life to be sooo exciting and lively. Even his workplace, he can't stand it if it's quiet or the people are 'boring' and get on with it.

What do you guys think? Would appreciate any replies because I'm feeling really upset about this.

Hey walkingonglass, I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I know I feel awful that my partner is on the end of my relationship anxiety.

Has your partner been diagnosed with anxiety? What does he get anxious about? Does he get anxiety about not wanting to be with you, or are the comments around a lack of spark said more as an observation? And, can I ask - do you have anxiety too?

You are clearly a very good person for him, as you understand that the crazy infatuation eventually grows into something more mature, as you have said. It sounds like someone who is an adrenaline junkie, and who perhaps lacks the maturity that you have (sorry if this seems offensive - I'm not meaning it that way, I'm just wondering why he feels that everything needs to be exciting all the time).

What does he do for himself, and what do you do for yourself? One of the things I'm realising at the moment is that I put all my energy into my relationships, constantly giving to other people, and not looking after my own happiness. When you have things that are just for you, that are fulfilling and enjoyable, you have love for yourself, and therefore you can share that love with other people. If you are constantly expecting others to give you happiness (as it sounds your partner is doing), or if you are constantly giving (which I wonder if you are doing), then you struggle to feel love for other people.

Maybe if your partner had an activity that he was interested in, that he felt was just for him, he wouldn't be looking so much for other people to keep him excited?

Hope this helps.

Hey anxietybucket.

Thanks for your reply.

My partner has been diagnosed with anxiety and he has on many occasions had major anxiety attack (some resulted in him not being able to go outside his house for months)
These anxiety attacks are always related to him not being super excited or in situations that make him feel super excited. For example he moved to a city and he didn't feel like the people he got to know were as 'hyper' as him, he stayed there for a few months and in the end had a massive anxiety attack.

He feels anxious when he isn't excited. I mean it's so hard to explain but it's like he can't be bored or calm. And he's always anxious about any situation where he feels 'stuck'. He has said that he doesn't feel there is a 'spark' any longer between us. Did me this is natural? We can't always be feeling like we want to hold hands and skip through fields with our partners. But it's only after those butterflies you get the real love.
I do have some anxiety myself but I do feel like being with him makes it worse because he's always on edge.. as well as I do feel sooo sad for him and I am there for him literally all the time as best as I can, and so I have for the past 6 years. I do love him a lot and his anxiety doesn't bother me mostly (when it's about other things) and I'm happy to share my life with him and to understand him the best of my abilities.

With me he states clearly that he feels SAFE. For example he has massive fear of flying, and he said that if he ever does fly, then I will have to be there because no one makes him feel calm the way I do. I've been through so many of his hard times and stood by him when he's been at his lowest points, mentally, physically, financially, been through abusive behaviors etc etc and I'm not saying I deserve praise because of this, it's been an honor to be with him on his journey and I've only done what any partner should do when they love someone. But it kills and hurts when he has doubts about me, when he says the spark is gone and there's just no passion between us.

Before me he's always fallen for girls who down the line treat him really badly, have cheated or lied. He had one girlfriend before me who was a nice girl and yet again, with her he got bored and fell out of love. He does have a lack of maturity, so no offense taken anxietybucket. I feel like he thinks real love is like how it is in the movies, constantly feeling excited. It's just not reality though because with life comes hardship as well and you do need to have a good partner in those times. I don't know why he does get anxieted about girls who don't care about him, but then... with someone who has anxiety.. don't you need a partner that makes you feel safe? Makes you feel loved? That comforts you? Don't you need that calm and steady person?

Sorry I totally just rambled all my feelings out on this post. I feel tired and really upset..

Also, when he did say he didn't feel the spark and no excitement etc etc I calmly asked him
'okay so what would you like to do about it'
And he got really wound up. He said he wanted to discuss his feelings with me and I shouldn't ask that question.
I said to him 'I don't mean it in a bad way, I don't want you to be in a situation where you feel uncomfortable so I'm just asking you what you feel is the best solution'
Again, got really wound up. And he said 'well the only answer to that question is either that we carry on or we break up isn't it? So I don't understand why you ask that!'

I'm confused of his reaction tbh!

Hi everyone,
How's everyone doing? @anxietybucket I'm not able to reply to your pm you sent me not sure why

walkingonglass wrote:Also, when he did say he didn't feel the spark and no excitement etc etc I calmly asked him
'okay so what would you like to do about it'
And he got really wound up. He said he wanted to discuss his feelings with me and I shouldn't ask that question.
I said to him 'I don't mean it in a bad way, I don't want you to be in a situation where you feel uncomfortable so I'm just asking you what you feel is the best solution'
Again, got really wound up. And he said 'well the only answer to that question is either that we carry on or we break up isn't it? So I don't understand why you ask that!'

I'm confused of his reaction tbh!

Hi again,

Sorry it's taken me a while to respond. Honestly, it sounds like he needs to get involved in an activity which is just for him. I don't know him, so i can't be sure, but it sounds like he relying on everyone around him to make his life good, when it is his responsibility, anxiety or not. I know that's harsh, and I know you can just as easily point to the threads and posts I've made where I'm looking for help and reassurance and say that I'm the pot and he's the kettle, but it's always much easier to give advice as the outsider.

I would guess from his need for other people to be exciting that he maybe feels that he isn't exciting enough. Yes, he's hyper and looking for adventure and being alive, but it sounds like he also has a lot of fears which hold him back from feeling the adventure. It seems that he's blaming his fears on everyone else, and expecting excitement to come to him.

Is there anything that he does for himself that you can encourage him to get more interested in? Is there anything that he wants to do which could be done from the comfort of home? For example, I want to do a creative writing course, but I'm anxious of doing one in the evening, so I'm doing one online instead. That way I'm doing what I want to achieve, but in a way that works for me.

The important thing to remember is that you are not responsible for making him happy, you are not responsible for giving him the exciting life he craves, and you are only one half of a relationship - the spark is up to both of you, not you on your own.

And it's important for you to look after yourself too. Again, easier said than done, but if he's raising your anxiety, you need to take some time to focus on you and your anxiety. Does he see a counsellor, or does he have supportive friends or family?

Hi guys! It's really comforting to know that I don't suffer alone with anxiety (I have had it since I was young as well as depression), but I really do seek comfort knowing i am not alone with how I'm feeling/thinking as when I talk
To my friends who don't have GAD they can't fully understand where I am coming from! I am in a very happy, supportive and loving relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years! Similar to many posts I have seen on here, majority of the time I am very happy in my relationship however every now and then I get doubts about my happiness in my relationship randomly and I begin to compare my relationship to others and I begin to think they are more happier than my boyfriend and I are. This makes me extremely unsettled and anxious. I guess I am just wondering whether anyone has experienced similar things? The whole grass is greener? I sometimes get stuck in thoughts every now and again where I question my attraction to him and sometimes I don't want to have sex. Just some background info, these thoughts often come about when I have forgotten to take my anxiety medication after a day or two! Just wanting to know if this is normal anxiety related/caused thoughts?

Please please help me. Ever since a year ago when my dad died it has made me depressed. Not wanting to do anything or be apart of anything and just wanting to be alone. I've been dating my amazing boyfriend for over a year and I've been struggling with anxiety ever since I was about 6 and it's gotten so much worse. I wake up some mornings and I feel completely terrible because I have thoughts that I don't love him anymore. Once one stupid thought like that gets in my head I shut down. I have trouble sleeping and I have a lot of eating problems and I get super stressed sometimes. I have panic attacks at least twice a week. I shake and I can't breathe correctly sometimes they last for days. I'm just looking for some audience. I've talked to my boyfriend about what I'm feeling but he's still there through all of this and I know he'll still love me if this gets even worse.
Please help me. Should I give up or try to keep the relationship going. I'm trying to get all my feelings back but it's been hard. Please help.

I just found this forum today and have been reading everyone's posts. It's so good to hear everyone's stories and know that perhaps I'm not crazy.

I don't really know for sure if I have anxiety because I've never really had it affect my day to day life but I'm currently in my third relationship (albeit for only 3 months) and again I am experiencing the same dreadful feeling of going from cloud 9 one day to feeling like I'm completely out of love and extremely upset the next day. Is it possible for anxiety to only really affect your love life?

I know that for a couple of months I was definitely in my honeymoon phase of the relationship. Everything seemed amazing and perfect and I loved my bf so much. But recently there's been a few things I've been worried about such as how my bf feels about sex and the necessity of it as well as my parents' rules of ensuring I come home at reasonable hours. Without going into too much detail, we've had some conversations about these and although we've come to a consensus, it seems to have sowed a seed of doubt in my mind which was probably not helped along by my friend suggesting that some of the things he said were a red flag. I was fine with the outcome... or so I thought but since then, I started worrying a lot about how much he loves me or how much I love him and suddenly now I find myself extremely upset and unable to focus at work. This all happened in the span of 4 days.

I think I'm worrying too much and letting all these negative 'what ifs' take over my thoughts but at the same time, I can't help but wonder if this is the right guy for me. If his views/values are too incompatible with my own. I don't feel like it is... but I feel so upset all the time that I'm not even sure anymore. This negative spiral has only been for 3 days and I keep telling myself it'll pass but it's so hard.

Someone please tell me if this is anxiety related? I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to and whether to say anything to my bf. I'm worried he won't understand or that I'll just stress him out that I'm not in love anymore. I still think I am but it's hard to believe myself. We've only been together for 3 months so it's hard to feel like there's anything substantial to hold onto.

Hi guys, Im so relieved to find that I'm not the only one who has these issues, I'm sorry we all do but it is a relief to know I'm not alone.
Anxiety bucket, your first post back in 2010 hits me right where I am, exactly now.
I've had this issue since I started dating at 17..in short never managed to have a successful relationship, a few months into the relationship I freak out, question my feelings or apparent lack of and bail. Usually putting it down to the fact that it must mean they are the wrong person for me, then the anxiety is relieved. I tootle on with my life get better again then the process repeats. every single romantic relationship since, I've been the same, always battled with my thoughts then bailed. I've also battled with my sexuality, ie does it never work cause I'm lesbian? However I've dated girls and felt the same way. Anxious. I'm 31 now, the only serious (long term) relationship I have ever had was two years ago, lasted three years and was incredibly abusive in every way. He sexually emotionally and mentally abused me. So that didn't help. Now I've met an incredible man who when I'm "normal" (I use that term to describe me when I'm not a raving loon with anxiety) is perfect for me. I really didn't expect this to happen again (the freak outs) and I'm just too tired of it. Surely it's me and not him cause you can see the repeated history, but yet I can't seem to shake off that it'd all be easier on my own, even though the inevitable will happen and I'll end up being miserable on my own, I don't understand why I feel one way one minute then like I never really loved him at all. I can't seem to get passed it, I feel trapped even though he is the most supportive and loving man, he let's me be me and have my space... Sorry if I'm missing out a few points here and there but basically I cannot determine if I'm just an idiot who does not know real love and thus gets anxiety when the relationship gets more serious, am I afraid if commitment, why, how do you get over this? I feel like my only option is to bail cause I feel like I have no feelings for him whatsoever, and feel sick at the thought of intimacy...which I tend to feel about two months into a relationship, since my very first at 17, which was a normal nice first love no drama or trauma... What the hell is wrong with me? I sound like a horrible person. All I want is to be happy and share that with someone, where do you know if it's the wrong relationship or the anxiety issues? Did you overcome it? Are you still together? The thought of breaking it off makes me feel like sh** but I'm so used to shutting it out as I've had to since being a kid, parents divorced at 4, never firmed proper attachment probably... Again sorry for the jumbled post but I would be eternally grateful for your help x

And sometimes I just dont seem to know what i want. It's like once I get what I think I want I don't want it anymore?? It's not a thrill of the chase thing I'm maturer than that. I'm tired of feeling like two different people.

Or is it cause he's just not for me and I've not learned again?? I'm so lost x

This is my first time to post to something like this. Hopefully some of you are still active and can help me Iv been in a complete state of panick, worry, nervousness the past few weeks.
The thought came into my head one day "what if you don't love him as much as you say" reguarding my boyfriend, might I add he is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I know I love him and just please remeber that when you read on. That thought came and went when I looked at a few pictures of us and felt reassured i did love him and I laughed it off. It happend again a few weeks later and again I laughed it off.

Everything was fine up until I had that thought again this time I couldn't get it to go. I started to panick and overthink everything. What if I don't love him? What If I have to end things and that's when all my problems started. I can't sleep, eat, I feel nervous and anxious to talk to him and see him. I know I love him and I keep telling myself that but I can't seem to get the thoughts to go. I told him everything and being as amazing a person he is he told me everything will be okay. It got worse and I was forced to tell my parents, they told me it's fine the honey moon phase is over and you won't be all loved up All the time and I believed them. But I still couldn't get rid of the nerves and worry and anxiety. I can't loose him he is my everything, I care about him so much. Everything got worse and I broke down to a friend in work and told her everything. She told me this will now go away unless I get help so I did . That day I went to my doctor and broke down and told him everything. He told me I had anxiety and depression and prescribed me antidepressants. I took them for two days and felt amazing, back to myself again and excited to see my boyfriend. I know this had to be the placebo effect because anti depressants don't work this quickly. But it didn't last long anyway about a week after I woke up during the night with severe heart palpitations and woke my boyfriend up with fright. He was there for me and comforted me. It all started again from there. But now I feel nothing when I look at him, empty and terrified because I can't loose him I just can't please someone tell me this has happened you and I will be okay. We have talked about marriage and kids and I can't see myself with anyone else but him. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I thought about ending it all but that would mean I would still be loosing him in a way and I thought of how he would feel if I wasn't here. I'm back on the antidepressants now the last 3 days and Iv come off my contraceptive pill as I did a lot of research and found that a lot of women on my pill ended up with depression and anxiety as part of side effects. Hopefully someone can give me some person experiences and let me know I'm not the only one. I won't give up I can't because I can't loose him he's the best thing that's ever happened me I'm gonna stick it out and wait for my feelings to "switch" back on I know how stupid that sounds but it's my only hope
Leah09

Is There anyone still active on this thread please I need help I feel like Iv hit rock bottom

Hey Leah! I'm still here!