Running out of patience

**Posts:** 3 · by **sgibson** » Fri Apr 30, 2004 6:10 pm

One of my good friends (29 years old) has been very depressed for about a year. He does not believe in psychology, but after much persuasion, we convinced him to see a therapist. Unfortunately, we all (including the therapist, who is a counsellor) think he needs a psychiatrist, and he won't go. I am a graduate student in psychology, and I am convinced that he has major depressive disorder. His mother is bipolar, so there is a history. He is completely caught up in the societal stigma surrounding mental health; I have tried to explain that it is the same as having diabetes or a heart condition...it requires medication to balance the chemicals.

My real problem is that he is extremely irritable when he is not crying, to the extent that I get a daily dose of abuse. I have explained to him that I will be there for him no matter what, but I won't put up with his attacks. He knows that he has a problem, but he has been overdramatizing little things that we (his friends) have done/have not done to make him worse, and I'm tired of constantly defending our friendship to him. There is nothing that we can say or do anymore to alleviate his insecurities, and I'm running out of patience for him. Much of our lives revolve around him, and it is starting to take a negative toll on us. We got his parents involved, but he directs his anger at us.

At what point do you change strategies? He is terribly pessimistic and believes that his problems are all due to outside forces, but they are all easily fixed (he's just not capable of seeing that). I burst into tears the other day when I made plans to talk to him, because our conversations are useless and circular, and I am completely drained. What do I do?

**Posts:** 225 · by **fathom** » Wed May 12, 2004 7:48 am

sgibson wrote:One of my good friends (29 years old) has been very depressed for about a year. He does not believe in psychology, but after much persuasion, we convinced him to see a therapist. Unfortunately, we all (including the therapist, who is a counsellor) think he needs a psychiatrist, and he won't go. I am a graduate student in psychology, and I am convinced that he has major depressive disorder. His mother is bipolar, so there is a history. He is completely caught up in the societal stigma surrounding mental health; I have tried to explain that it is the same as having diabetes or a heart condition...it requires medication to balance the chemicals.

My real problem is that he is extremely irritable when he is not crying, to the extent that I get a daily dose of abuse. I have explained to him that I will be there for him no matter what, but I won't put up with his attacks. He knows that he has a problem, but he has been overdramatizing little things that we (his friends) have done/have not done to make him worse, and I'm tired of constantly defending our friendship to him. There is nothing that we can say or do anymore to alleviate his insecurities, and I'm running out of patience for him. Much of our lives revolve around him, and it is starting to take a negative toll on us. We got his parents involved, but he directs his anger at us.

At what point do you change strategies? He is terribly pessimistic and believes that his problems are all due to outside forces, but they are all easily fixed (he's just not capable of seeing that). I burst into tears the other day when I made plans to talk to him, because our conversations are useless and circular, and I am completely drained. What do I do?

There are no "precise answer" that say this is the best way to support your friend. But found my untrained stance - if he does believe he needs help - you can't make him see that he does.

Within that an answer lies - be always supportive, be always there, avoid discussing the problem, suggesting actions for something that he doesn't believe exists.

Many times people need others to say they have a problem so they can deny it and a revolving door never lets the person get help.

By stopping this give and take process often the person will see that you are not pushing a course of action onto them and may even ask for more - like who to call.

**Posts:** 2522 · by **kfedouloff** » Wed May 12, 2004 11:14 am

It's really sad for friends when they feel helpless to help. And it's awful if the friend they want to help abuses (consciously or unconsciously) the friendship. In the end we do have to draw boundaries, and not allow our friends to abuse us, however sorry we feel for them.

It's good to affirm the friendship by saying that you will support them in every effort to sort things out, but this support does not include taking abuse. I know it is not easy, but I think in the end your friendship might be more likely to survive.

Kathleen

**Posts:** 3 · by **sgibson** » Wed May 19, 2004 2:19 pm

Thank you for your advice. I have come to realize that these boundaries are important, even though it's scary to challenge someone who is so unstable. I decided it was time to draw the line when I began periodically bursting into tears in front of my boyfriend, and the worry on his face for MY well being made it evident I needed to change direction.

I recently made it clear (despite many attempts by my friend to twist the situation and draw an argument) that I would no longer defend myself or my actions as a friend, as I have shown time and time again (and will continue to do so) that I am supportive.

I do not know how this will develop for my friend, but I do urge others in the same position as myself to be firm in deciding what is acceptable and what is abusive. I feel that I am more capable of helping him now that I can take a break when things get too nasty.

Again, thanks for the advice...
sg

**Posts:** 2522 · by **kfedouloff** » Wed May 19, 2004 3:51 pm

Well done! That must have been tough, but I agree that it actually makes you more capable of helping in a useful way!

Do feel free to keep posting!

Kathleen

Running out of patience

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