Side effects of prolonged anxiety, poor relationships

So as I said, the problem is that we are no longer capable of doing anything. As you know, we have renounced our pro-OC philosophy in favor of a new one, which turned out to have


- juat remembered I forgot to do something, back in a moment -

- now I'm back, but I'm afraid I'm quite disoriented. What was I saying? Don't know... I mean, I probably do know, but - whatever. You know what I mean, even if they don't (yet).

-

OK. The new, savior philosophy turned out to have been built on thin air. It is no philosophy. In short, one cannot go about living life without thinking about their actions, just navigating based on "feelings", "intuition", or "senses". Whatever. This sounds weird, but whatever.

So we are no longer capable of doing anything. And there is much we need to do. OC is no longer the purpose of our life. But - it's cold in here, gotta turn on the heater, see you in a bit -

- so I'm back now, but completely disoriented -

- so as you can see, "my problem" (I always seem to feel as if I have only one problem which explains all that's wrong with me right now. Yeah right...) is that whatever I'm doing, I feel a need to concentrate 150% on it. So when I interrupt an activity for another, hard to get back into the swing of things.

- I mean, so much could have gone wrong with the turning on of the heater. It could have - but whatever.

By the way, I'm open to the possibility that I currently have OCD. It's the previous long years that I have contentions about. Any strange behavior - must be a "disease"! Impossible that some people might actually question the rationality of normal behavior! Impossible that an individual might believe themselves to have unique circumstances that call for extreme behavior! Impossible! He must be mentally disturbed...

Nobody related to me in the right way. What is CBT? There is a "C" part to it as well, isn't there? But the therapists I visited seemed to be of the opinion that the "C" only began when the patient already desired change. I didn't desire change, because I felt that what I was doing was right. And that's all I could ask for. Besides, desiring change is indicative of weakness. Is it not?

Nobody seemed to understand that I was using the moral/behavioral system I had grown up with, to exhibit socially subversive behavior in the form of behavioral deviation. In fact - side point - there was no deviation at all. It was a unique case, and I chose how to adapt the standard behaviors without regards to how i would be perceived. If I had chosen based on perception, I would have been compromising on the theoreticak underpinnings of the behavior.

Nobody understood that I was trying to make sense of the behavioral philosophy I had grown up with and treat it as a coherent system. Unfortunately, the jury is still out on whether it is a coherent system. If it turns out that it isn't, I will really, really hate my opponents of those years. Opposing me for being more intellectually coherent than them. You must understand that they are a highly intellectual community. This would be unacceptable. But even if it is a coherent system, it is much more nuanced than it seems at first glance. Most people are unaware of this nuance, and their speech and actions reflect this ignorance. I hate them for their hypocrisy. Denying the nuance while criticising me for my ignorant attempts at coherence.

Hooray, now nobody understands what I'm talking about anymore. Also, I sound like a snob.

(By the way, I am sorry to say this, but whatever you say, will likely offend me. And I will get either angry or depressed, but will certainly not agree with you and it will not change my feelings about things. I am very sorry about this.)

I am actually a nice guy. The problem is that this has all been very personal all these years. I hope you understand - I don't have anything against people who don't think the way I do. It's just when they treat me in a certain way...

To be continued, maybe.

So anyways, I can no longer do anything anymore. The more important something is, and especially when it involves above-average emotional or intellectual activity, the more anxiety interferes. The anxiety is always attributed to something substantial. Is that how OCD works? I don't know. It is always attributed by me to something substantial, even though it is simply inherent in, e.g., any philosophical or personal discussion. Maybe this alone would be no big deal. But I then insist in resolving the anxiety, right then and there. I'm not sure why. If you think you know why, please display some self-doubt. My situation may well be substantially more complicated than a textbook case of OCD. Some of this may be stubborn rebellion at my long-time opponents, some of it because I do not yet have a new behavioral philosophy, some of it because I'm depressed which in various ways might "motivate" me to welcome or not fight anxiety, some of it might be OCD, some of it might be ADD, some of it might be GAD, some of it might be habit. (Later edit: Some of it might be insecurity at being completely indifferent to accepted patterns of behavior)

I would need to convince myself that the important activity that I am engaged in justifies ignoring any "substantial issues". And to welcome whatever potential catastrophes might occur as a result, perhaps. Certainly to convince myself that such catastrophes will be unlikely to occur.

Except sometimes anxiety is justified. Like when action is needed to conform to a social norm. Social norms tend to have reasons behind them. Yes, I am self-contradictory in this arena. Or when I am deliberately ignoring a social norm, and the anxiety of the unknown kicks in - "so, what catastrophe will occur as a result of my disregarding this social norm?"

The solution is to acknowledge that ignoring social norms left and right is not a recipe to success in life. (By the way, I am growing tired. My writing may reflect a certain laziness as time goes on). This was reinforced by certain incidents that happened lately. What I mean to say is, that I have a (probably) healthy intuition informing me that making up my own culture from the atoms and photons up is unwise. So I decided to stop pretending that I can do precisely that and that it wouls be consistent with my broader and more important life goals.

I made a resolution. Never mind the date, which was April 1, I made a resolution. And now that I'm writing it down, what was it? I actually thought about it much, after I made it, and clarified it greatly. It was - (I am not writing it down here. This is probably the end of my journal for today.)