parents divorced, father terminally ill... so sad

daddysgirl, the feelings you describe are entirely understandable - you are trying to deal with something that is inherently horrible and it isn't hard to understand why you believe that you have nothing to live for...

But, simply, IT ISN'T TRUE.

At this moment in time, you are watching your father "wither" as you put it. But what you are watching is not the sum total of your father's life. Your father's life has meaning far beyond the current moment or his current condition. And part of that meaning is you. You are 15 - you have difficulty seeing beyond this horrible time but please believe me when I say that there is something beyond now, for you and for your father.

You may never have heard of Viktor Frankl or his book, Man's Search for Meaning but it is basically a book about how to find meaning and something positive in circumstances which seem only awful. I am not talking about "finding the silver lining in the cloud" here; there is no silver lining in your father's illness. What I mean, and what Dr. Frankl talks about, is forcing something meaningful and worthwhile out of circumstances such as the one you are facing. Sometimes, that can be as simple as building a sort of living monument to what your father's life means to you and to other people who know him - your father's life, not his illness - his life and his legacy is much more than his illness. And ultimately, you are part of that monument and that legacy.

You indicate that you are on antidepressant medication - you don't say whether you are in therapy or seeing a counsellor. If not, I strongly urge you to ask for help in finding someone... with what you are facing, medication isn't enough, as I guess you are discovering. You do not need to face all this alone and I urge you not to try...

Please post again, daddysgirl, and let us know how you are doing... coming here was an important step for you - don't stop there...

thank you so much for posting a reply...
The day i wrote that was particularly bad: I felt i needed some kind of advice or connection with someone who could help, and attempted to reach out in any way possible. thank you for responding, it means a lot.

Since then I've been doing a lot better... I've learned how to balance maintaining my own life (social and academic) with taking care of my dad. I also am forcing myself to think about, as you said, my father's life rather than his death and his absence in the rest of my life. He gave me many many gifts that i will carry forever. He was a wise and caring man whose kindness and advice profoundly affected everyone around him.

For example: The other day I walked into a store my father and I used to go to together, and the owner (who dad had befriended) asked how he was. When i said he wasnt doing terribly well, she surprisingly started to cry, and her boyfriend explained that she credits my dad as being one of her most positive influences throughout the time she'd known him.

As for medication: I've been off it for three weeks now. Even though i know i shouldnt have, i stopped cold turkey. only after it was out of my system did i realize that it was the cause of my suicidal feelings... and looking at studies that had been done on the effects of antidepressants on under-18 year olds, i found that they affected other teens that way too.

Also: I do see a therapist and have since my dad was diagnosed. but shes a blithering idiot and didnt help me at all. i recently switched to a new one who is much more intelligent and seems to be able to help me much more.

I have no regrets whatsoever regarding my actions or feelings towards my father: I love him as much as i possibly could love a person, and I always think about him, and i try as hard as i can to be with him and take care of him whenever i can. He tells my stepmom all the time how proud he is of me, and that he never wants me to change. and that means so much to me.

I think this sucks. but i think theres no possible way i could deal with it any better.

and thats all.
thank you again,
-DG

You're absolutely right, DG... it totally sucks.

One thing I often say is that to me death makes no sense - that's why it's so important that we make sense of life.

DG - that is a wonderful post to read, it sounds as if you have done amazingly well in the circumstances. Taking control of those areas of your life that you can influence, such as your medication, choice of counselor and life balance is an impressive move and demonstrates great maturity.

I hope things continue to get better for you and that we will see you around here in the future.

All the best

Roger