Bad Attitude and Closed Mind

Hi Everyone,

Like others who post on this site, I cannot afford therapy. I do believe that with hard work I can get better but I need the right tools/advice to get started. I honestly don't know where to begin.

Here's an itemized list of my issues

1) I'm very quick to anger and defensive. This can come from accidentally bumping into something and wanting to break it for getting in my way, to being criticized and then in turn acting defensive to prove that person wrong so I don't look like the bad guy. Defensiveness is a huge issue I have. I'm not good at being self critical. I had developmental issues as a kid, and my parents treated me like I was a problem to be fixed instead of having compassion towards my difficulties. Despite being financially able to provide for me and get me the help I needed, the lack of emotional support leads me to be short and angry with them VERY easily.

2) I'm closed minded a lot - think negatively constantly about trying new things. Trying new things for me growing up meant that if I failed, I'd be punished (not physical but I'd get grounded, parents would be disappointed and distant). Classic transference shows that I apply this to most new things I might find daunting/challenging/potentially difficult. I do this a lot. My husband hates it, that I'm not as open minded as I should be.

3) I have a bad attitude. This stems from the above issues in addition to the fact that when things aren't "going my way" (bad things happened during the day, disappointed in what I didn't accomplish at work/home, etc.) I make it all about myself and am moody and don't want to be happy. I sulk and sit in it. I am selfish a lot in this way and because of it I lack compassion. My husband has called me out on that as well.

4) I don't want to improve myself. I am by no means ugly, but I don't think highly of my appearance at all and frankly I just don't care. I don't want to try but I want to WANT TO try...know what I mean? I have an overall lack of confidence towards my appearance and my abilities. This makes me frustrated and sad. Why don't I want to try?

Any advice would be appreciated. I'm running out of last chances to make things right with my husband who is more than tired with my anger and bad attitude, not to mention has lost all faith in me to improve as I have promised to be better but done little to nothing about it. The drive just isn't there, even knowing all that I could lose.