strong foundation = nothing can affect me

Strong self esteem and confidence is my philosophy in life, but I have it broken down into two rules which allow me to keep perspective no matter what is going on so I never wander from the core message. My apologies for the long read, but an explanation is relevant to gain some perspective in their meaning. Once you have that understanding, then you only have the two rules to remember. Here they are:

1) YOU ONLY CONTROL YOURSELF - This is an absolute truth. People love to believe they can control their relationships, their friendships, their marriages, their job security, or just a general sense of being "in control" of whats important to them. This is why books fly off the shelf every year offering the "secrets" to happiness. This is why people actually pay money to see a palm reader. This is why people read daily horoscopes. This is why people buy how -to books on relationships to make them think, " If I do this, they will do that". All of this is about being in "control" because people are misled into believing there is a specific "answer" to these timeless questions.

These issues become even worse when we apply social labels and titles to these people - Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Uncle, Priest, Counselor, Coach, Minister, Captain, Mechanic, Attorney, Judge, ...President.... . All of these titles carry a degree of deferment we grant to these individuals based on the image we create for ourselves. And depending on how strong an image we create says allot about what we choose to see (or not see) about that person. So am I saying we should distrust and suspect everyone in our lives? Of course not. What I AM saying is we do not base our identity or happiness on the perceived values of others. That must come from within first.

People have a mind of their own and life's conditions can change on a dime. Your spouse can wake up one morning and decide she just doesn't want you anymore. You can find out your dad was cheating on your mom. You can wake up and discover your job of 25 years has been eliminated. You can discover your son has cancer. You can be in perfect fitness but drop tomorrow from an underlying heart condition no one knew about. Sounds depressing as sh** doesn't it? Well unfortunately life has an interesting way of turning us sideways when we least desire it. Is there ever a good time? So if you make a habit of placing your happiness and sense of self into other people or places, that can have traumatic impact on your ability to recover should those things exit your life. All we control is what is inside us and how we respond to life's events.

So you need to start with yourself. You need to do the things that make YOU happy. You need to only surround yourself with people that keep YOU happy. You need to understand WHAT motivates YOU to get up every morning and live your life as YOU want it to be. You form a value system that is YOURS, not something stated to you. And you do the best YOU can to be good to people and treat them as they would treat you. Live your life on that value system and make decisions with an HONEST assessment of where you fit in and what you CAN and CAN NOT do. So how do you start thinking in a way that does not allow others to manipulate your own sense of self? That's my second rule...

2) NEVER LET THE WORDS OF OTHERS DEFINE YOU - The biggest issue most people have in life is they form their identity from the outside -in instead of the inside-out. They let other people tell them what to think, how to dress, what to be outraged about, and worst of all what is good or inferior. We see it every day. People blindly follow a cause or another person without any regard for their own input. We see people kill one another over another person's indiscretions or infidelity. People wear their dignity on their sleeve so everyone has a free shot to hit them. This is completely wrong.

My daughter once asked me what she could do to win her boyfriend back because she caught him cheating on her. I said, " Do you enjoy rejection?" She said, " Of course not, but I love him." I said, " No you don't. You've placed your identity in him so he can abuse you and you don't see the insult because you live to please him. Cut him lose and reclaim your dignity." It took her a bit but she finally figured it out and got away from him.

You don't EVER let others set the terms for who YOU are. And I don't care who they are or how they relate to you or even how long they have known you. Nobody should know you better than YOURSELF. That means YOU control what words count and what words do not. Everything said TO YOU is to elicit a response. If you let what others say make you angry or feel like you have to defend yourself, then you have surrendered control at their discretion. What comes out of a person's mouth are just "words". How we feel about ourselves is what gives those words depth and range to either deflect or inflict harm to our sense of self. YOU possess the keys to your own castle. Don't leave that door unlocked or hand out those keys to others to control how you see yourself.

You must always define yourself. That means when you do something good, give yourself a pat on the back. If you know you need improvement in certain areas of your life, then get hard on yourself. Motivate yourself. Set goals to better yourself. I often tell my wife there is no one harder on me than myself. I have a standard I SET for myself and that's what I live by. If people are with me, great. If not, that's great too. As long as it works for me and I am sound in my beliefs, life is good.

You will find when you develop a clear picture of yourself and understand that priorities start in your own backyard FIRST, that will lift the fog around you with regards to how you see everyone and everything else. It's amazing how much clarity you get at seeing everyone else, when you understand what they say and do has NOTHING to do with your identity. You realize you can see them as you should have always seen them and that is through YOUR lens, using YOUR value system to determine their merits. They don't dictate that value, you do because you come first.

Will there be heartache? Of course. Will there be disappointment and sadness at certain times? Surely. We don't divorce ourselves from the human condition of living just because we find ourselves. But what we DO achieve is an understanding that no matter what knocks us down, we can gather ourselves and get right back up, because that is the secret of life. It's being able to take the knocks and move forward despite their presence. When you believe in yourself, you understand as long as you have a heartbeat, there are always possibilities. There IS a reason to move forward. We must live for ourselves first, before anyone else. Because with out that inner strength to sail through the storms of life, how can we ever offer assistance to others we deeply care for? We must first know who we are and stand by that golden rule above all else.

[quote="datia"when they have a problem in their lives, they know how to make sure it doesn't affect their happiness, their stability, you know what I mean ?
.[/quote]

I totally know what you mean, and isn't it always so amazing to see those people who face problems just move past them and make sure it doesn't affect their happiness? I totally know what you mean. One of my favorite sayings is:

"The breakdown comes before the breakthrough"

The truth is that everyone has problems, every single person! Some people just learn to break through faster than others. The good news is you can too! Have you ever overcome something?

Yes, I agree with your statements that we are the true holders and controllers of our life. We can't let others change our mind beliefs or control us through their words. Right now, I am going though something like that myself. I am letting my parents belief and opinions as well as words determine my happiness. It makes me angry that they expect me to act a certain way or do something they believe in. When in reality I want to do something that makes me happy and what I want to live for. They can never let their daughters be. It upsets me. But reading what you just said made me rethink everything in a positive light.

I can see that there is a clear difference in everything I do, much rather what they say would be looked at as through a looking lens rather then a value core belief system. And it's like they try to intrude on it. I am now realizing that it is true that I am the controller of my life and the decisions I make will effect me in the long run. It's an entire different belief system.
Thanks for the post.