Dealing with the aftermath of wrongful imprisonment...

Are you working, Sav8454? Could you afford to retain a lawyer?

I have no experience of this but I'm shocked at what was done to you and it seems to me you won't get past the anger until you receive justice in the form of complete exoneration and recompense. I don't even know if this can be done, but you need someone on your side.

Maybe someone like this mob https://www.prisonadvice.org.uk/ can tell you what steps you can take.

Another possibility is trauma therapy. You certainly qualify.

My heart goes out to you and I hope you reach a better place soon.

Thank you so much for your response. When I was in we did everything we can to appeal the charge and the lawyer at the time, of course, promised good results but it was denied. At that point, it was either chock up more money to take it to the supreme court or deal with it and by that time I had already been in for near 2 years and we just did not have the funds for something we couldn't put full confidence in. Also, the state that this happened in is notorious for having some of the worst laws for any offenders to the system and does not even have the ability to expunge a felony on a record so thanks to just ALL that bad luck I am stuck with an F on my report card for life. At this point, I run my own business so it's not AS bad as it could be but the emotional side is where I def will be seeking out help.

Sav8454 wrote:At that point, it was either chock up more money to take it to the supreme court or deal with it and by that time I had already been in for near 2 years and we just did not have the funds for something we couldn't put full confidence in.

At this point, I run my own business so it's not AS bad as it could be but the emotional side is where I def will be seeking out help.

Because these sentences start out the same way, I'll point out that the bad one is clearly past tense (At that point) and the good stuff is present (At this point). Anyone who lives long enough and has average luck is going to have a life-damaging experience in their past, something we think we might never get over. It's true that our preferred trajectory through life has been badly interrupted, and that the reverberations never end, but your story as well as mine shows that we do survive it and keep going.

I suggest three things. 1) that you focus on your business and your life now. 2) that you minimise thinking about the time, money and reputation you lost, because ruminating on it will make you miserable and keep you stuck. 3) definitely find a therapist -- you may need to shop around -- and express your feelings of frustration and loss.

PTSD sets in after a shattering life experience because it's hard-wired into us to go over and over the details, looking for any way in which we might have avoided it. Left untreated, this becomes an attack on self-esteem.

I'm glad to know you have your own business. You are very strong, Sav8454. I wish you good luck for your future.

Dear Sav

I understand why you are angry, but you probably already realize that being Angry really isn’t helping you to establish a Future. Now, my concern, as I am thinking at the moment, is in regards to your Possibilities. You did 5 Years and so I assume that you are now a Convicted Felon. You certainly know more than I do about how being a Convicted Felon affects your Career Prospects. My first thoughts were that Convicted Felons are truthful on resumes and job applications and disclose their criminal past, but you may know about how it Works in the Real World. For instance, if you went to a different state and reestablished yourself while NOT disclosing your Criminal Record, well, does anybody really check? And if they Do Check, well, so you don’t get the job that they would not have given you anyway, right? I know that Sex Offenders have to Register everywhere they go. But Felons that have done their Time are free to come and go as they please, if aren’t on parole or something. You can use that Freedom to your advantage. Also I am sure that while you were on the Unside, you must have gotten a lot of advice on how to cope when you Got Out. Some of it may have been Good Advice. Also, you may not realize that it is an Advantage, but being an Ex Con gives you the Trust of other Ex Cons. You may not wish to make use of your Underworld Connections, however, you must consider that if the Honest World rejects you, that you may have a viable future in a World where your Credentials are Solid Gold. Just a thought.

But I am running ahead too far. I should ask a few questions, if I may. Did you return to the Same Town? Are you living among people who all Know about you? Yes, friends and family can be a source of support. But living in a Community were Everyone knows you on sight as an Ex-con can certainly be stressful and aggravating. Anywhere else and people would take you like the Prison Guards took you, that you look Alright… that you look like a Good Honest Decent Citizen. That is an Advantage you can only use where people don’t know you.

Oh, I wonder what your Education Level is. You write very well. If you do not already have a College Degree, then you should get one. If you do not have a Degree, then It would be totally unethical to lie on job applications saying that you did, but that does not stop a lot of people from doing just that. Of course, you should be taking College Courses in any case. If you are taking Classes and your Employer says “I thought you already had a degree”, well, you could say that you are working for an advanced Degree, which, in this day and age is true, because Everyone is working for an Advanced Degree.

Where I find my mind going in thinking about your situation is that you really do need to get on the Move and experience new things. Look forward, not back. I believe in the effectiveness of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which would address your PTSD simply by advising you Not To Think About It. Yes, we all have certain Subjects that our Minds seem to Compulsively return to, But it makes a Great Difference if we turn away from such thoughts instead of indulging in them. Travelling, getting new work, finding a hobby, taking classes – all such things will help you establish a New or a Renewed Self.

I wish you luck. Please feel welcome to keep writing in to us, as we like to be of help, and then when you succeed and are beyond our help, then we would love to benefit from your wisdom and experience.

To start, I want to thank you both for taking the time to read my story, as long as it is . I really appreciate the good advice and kind words as it really helps me put things into perspective about where I have come from and just how far I have progressed since the incident. Candid you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned our trajectory being altered and how that affects our life and worldview.

Truth be told I would like to say I don't think about it often but there are several aspects of the situation that I truly don't think about. The court case and the people involved is where I really get angry with thinking about it and that is one particular subject I seldom talk about and have no problem telling people I am not close to that I refuse to discuss it due to it causing anger to bubble forth. I do, however, think about my experience on the inside on a daily basis and I think the main reason is the things programmed by being in there.

At first, prison is really hard due to the fact that it can be very taxing to keep your guard up 24/7. To put it into perspective in the free world most of us have a home to go to and that is the place we typically will go to unwind and decompress and we get used to it as anyone does, we get used to our routine and environment. But in prison, if you do enough time (by my calculation and experience once you hit two years inside your fully "in" as I used to say) you learn to keep that guard up and it is no longer taxing. In fact, it was one of the most liberating feelings of my life to not worry about what people thought and to say things to peoples face very truthful and bluntly knowing that we all would not take it personally. Upon getting out I frequently told people that it was a much harder transition out of prison than it was to go in. And therein lies the rub. The real reason I feel I have PTSD symptoms was due to the fact that I got locked up for something I didn't do which makes me deathly afraid that it can happen again. So combine being programmed to keep the defenses up mixed with the PTSD and that is the main thing I think that is tough.

But to answer your questions I have in fact made very wise decisions that I am very proud of myself for. While on the inside as if by divine inspiration several people had told me I should move to a city in NC, the same city a very dear friend of mine had already moved to and wanted me to join upon release. So after I got out I had 2 years of probation to finish before I could. I passed the probation with flying colors and was proactive before I even got out to make sure I would hit the ground running. So I finished probation and moved literally the day it was done .

I am trade-school educated and certified in my field but having a hiatus definitely made it hard to make a resume. But I found work where I could and thrived in each position I found myself to be in. It wasn't until a friend of mine requested help with something I was educated in did I really experience the passion I had for that field that I eventually started my own business in. Currently, there are way too many head-hunter style people who call to get you setup for interviews that do not understand the field they are trying to staff and I had such little help and luck in finding a job in my field which really unnerved me, but that's just a tangential opinion, sorry for deviating.

I really pushed myself on the inside to read and study as much as possible so when I got my freedom back I would prove to everyone, which really means prove to myself, that the time I spent on the inside was not wasted. It truly did help too as it gave me so much information on what to actually do to run a business and that is my main focus on any given day. It's the most daunting but rewarding feeling to grow a business and my loving wife continues to remind me to practice balance as I am so ready for tomorrows abilities and functions yesterday.

I want to conclude by saying again how much I really appreciate your kind words and advice. I take it to heart as I was not sure if anyone would really read my long messages as one thing social media has taught me is that people generally have short attention spans . Thank you all and I will keep writing as I already feel a measure of relief to have this outlet. I have been wanting to do something like this for some time but for whatever reason I would be distracted and forget.

Dear Sav

Wow! That is Great! I didn’t dare to mention the idea of Starting Your Own Business, but that would be Perfect –there would be no one over you to hassle you about your Record. Oh, and now I know why you seem so, well, College Educated – it was all the reading you did while you were in the Slammer. Yes, you have HS and Trade School behind you, but your Easy, Thorough and Well Metered Style of Writing is only attained by people who pour over the books for a long time. I wouldn’t be surprised if you had read some Fine Literature while you were in the Joint (if you did we could compare notes).

Your wife stuck with you! Well, that is great testimony to your character. In many cases such ‘trials and tribulations’ would have greatly reinforced any ‘buyer’s remorse’ a wife may have had, who can’t but help to think she could have Done Much Better then marrying the man she did. Apparently, even as an Ex-con, you are Still Better than every other man on Earth. Cool, huh? But remember, do not overly impose on her. Share but don’t be too much of a Bummer. And remember the Little Enjoyments. I tell all my friend who are getting into Serious Relationships that the way to make them work is to Always be on your Best Dating Behavior. Even after you get married. Shave. Stay Presentable. No walking around in a soiled Tee Shirt and Underwear. No Belching or Other Loud Digestional Noises. No cussing or swearing. Women don’t mention it, but swearing Does Get On their Nerves. And it is important to Give them their Own Time. And you also need to relax. Couples should only get together a few hours every day – for a Sit Down Dinner and an hour or so of socializing. Then each person should really have something to do on their own, isn’t that so. Many Relationships are Killed by Over Familiarity and a Repulsive Level of Casual, even Low, Behavior. Just remember to Always Treat Your Wife like a Lady, and you won’t go wrong. Here at the Anger Management Forum I advise to Watch Every Angry Word. Some Words you can Never Take Back. You can’t Unring the Bell. You can’t Un-poison a Well. You wrote to us because of your Emotional Anger, but such Stresses can overflow into your Ordinary Behavior, making perhaps irritable and grouchy. Your Wife doesn’t need that. Many people THINK that they don’t have Anger Issues while they accept that it is okay to be Irritable and Grouchy at Times. Well, they are Wrong. Nobody likes a Grouch. But I offer this only to All the Other people who may be reading over our shoulders here. Your wife so obviously loves you, that it can only be because you already know how to treat her.


Oh, may I ask. You spoke about having to be constantly on your guard while on the Inside. Does that mean that you had to be Extremely Careful in how you spoke to the other inmates and the Guards? I suppose it was Very Easy to Get into Trouble, one way or the other. If that is how I read your Story, then I can only conclude that probably one of the Greatest Silver Linings Around your Dark Prison Cloud was that it engrained a sense of Discretion in you that would not wear away lightly. I suppose it has become almost Impossible for you to say anything that would Cause Offense, that is, that could even remotely cause trouble. Often you hear about people who KNOW when somebody has been behind bars upon just a short acquaintance. Probably a lot of it has to do with that heightened sense of Discretion. Ordinary People who never had to suffer any severe Consequences for their Careless Opinions and Obtrusive Insights, speak lightly and carefree, despite the emotional turbulence they can cause under the surface in their social relationships. I guess that is how Cops learn to spot Ex-cons. Normal people just shoot their mouths off. Ex-cons keep all their cards close to their chest, so to speak. When you think about it, one could almost suppose that a Cop would Rather deal with an Ex-con then a Normal Person. Normal People are Silly and Trivial in comparison. But, with all of this, I am only guessing. Please let me know if I am on the wrong track. Oh, I am sure you will be able to do it discretely! I’ve been trying to learn the Arts of Discretion (here at Anger Management, you can guess why). One of the Secrets of Discretion I have found is the Digressive Story about Nothing in Particular, in which the Story has only some vague connection to an Idea you wish to express to a person without having to say “I do not agree with your Opinion, and I think that This is the Way it works” . You can accomplish the same thing by putting the content off to the side. Ofcourse Dense People, and people who only ‘skim and speed read’ would not pick up on it, but if you are dealing with intelligent and attentive people, well, you can assume that they will be able to discern the underlying ideas and appreciate you for your Discretion and the Respect you show them by trying to help them ‘Save Face’, as they say in the Orient.

Regarding your Residual Anger, well, now I believe it is only a matter of Time. I am an Old Man and have lived mostly a Good Life, but there are things that One Can Only Live Down, as they say. The Memories lose their power to greatly disturb us after a few decades. Also, One’s Character Changes. Looking Back, you hardly seem like the Same Person. Your Old You becomes detached like a character in a book. Thinking of your Past, you can be Amazed, Shocked, or Repulsed by some of the things you did, but you are Consoled knowing that it wasn’t You… the You that you are Now. Time is Distance. Far Away things look Smaller.

Oh, speaking about Time, Thank You so much for the Observation you made about the Two Years to get what you believe is Fully Acclimatized. This may be a very important observation. Here on the Anger Management Forum I often tell people that It Takes Time to implement any Self Help Program of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, even if you Work at it Hard and in the Most Dedicated Manner. It must Take Time for the appropriate Mental Circuits to form up along the right lines and then to Build Up – in the Sense that One can only Make a Path by Beating Down the Grass by Walking the Same Route Again and Again and Again… (Oh, that reminds me of a Story. I live where there is something of an actual Jungle – so Dense that one can’t walk into it… a kind of a Wall of Foliage. But I noticed Dogs and Cats going into the Jungle. Hmmmm. So I looked down low. It seems that the Dogs and Cats had created kind of Tunnels through the foliage. So one time the Children kicked a ball too far and it landed deep back in the Jungle. They were ready to write it off, but I played my hunch and got down on my hands and knees and found the first ‘tunnel’. My God! Once I got started I found that every few feet the tunnels would branch off. You could really go Anywhere if you didn’t mind winding around a bit. So I was a hero for getting the Ball, but only because I noticed something that nobody else saw). Anyway, to get back on subject… So, I now have a pretty Educated Guess on How Long It Takes to Change One’s Behavior – 2 years. It took me much longer than that to lose my Anger, but in my Case I was not as Thoroughly Motivated as you were – your Conditions didn’t allow for any Slacking Off, as mine did.

Oh, we have something in common. I almost forgot about it. See, that is what I mean about Living Things Done after Long Enough. But I was once also on Probation. I suppose some young men simply hope for the best. But I decided to set up Guidelines for myself. No Bars. No Clubs. You see, even in a Nice Swanky Place, where you can count on the Bouncers to keep the lid on trouble, there are still the Situations that can Flare Up in an Instant. Usually it is because of Unstable Couples – particularly the Dreaded Couple where the Chick Likes to Flirt and the Boyfriend is Violently Jealous. Who knows what is Really happening in that Dynamic. The Chick might like seeing her Boyfriend flex his muscles and beat people up, or she may be trying to get him killed, or maybe a bit of both. But, it is much too easy to get caught in that trap, so I figured it was safest to just stay away from those Scenes. But even today, 40 years later, I will still be careful about sizing up the clubs I walk into, and be careful about getting into conversations with women until I know who they came in with. My rule today is if I am schmoozing in a Club, to avoid talking to Individuals… I talk to Tables. I talk to Couples. The only Individuals I speak to are the Hookers that sit alone waiting for Action. If the Room has Stabilized and no one has come in recently that would likely gravitate to the Hooker and present her a Business Opportunity, and it appears that I can sit close or stand close for a few minutes for whatever pretext, then I will enjoy a few minutes of Light Banter. Nobody banters better than hookers. It is one of the joys in my Old Age, but I make it a point to move on quickly – more than 5 minutes is ‘wasting their time’. Oh, and now that I think about it, it is probably Good Advertising for her to be seen Laughing and Joking at the end of the Bar –throwing her head back and tossing her hair. Men who had not noticed her before, might notice her after that. Oh, but Now the Club Scene is Darkened by the Possibility of getting stopped for Drinking and Driving. So one cannot really go out ‘drinking’ anymore. One can nurse a drink every hour and then wait an hour before one goes anywhere, but remember if Stopped to not admit to any drinking at all. Oh, the Cops have a New Trick – they ask you to recite the Alphabet Backwards, which NOBODY can do, BUT the Trick to It is that they are waiting for people to say “I CAN’T EVEN DO THAT SOBER”. Believe it or not, A Lot of People will actually say to a Cop, “I can’t even do that Sober” . Oh, but you can learn to Sing Song the Alphebet Backwards, but that only shows that you have been Thinking about the DUI Squad, which probably isn’t a Good Thing to tip them off to. It is probably just best to stumble around from Z to R as best you can. Oh, but Cops are not as Confrontational to Old Men. Cops, as you may have noticed yourself, are Bulls – Creatures driven by Dominance Concerns. That is why Female Police Officers actually make better Police, as they are not so much invested in Pushing their Weight Around. But I noticed that when my hair turned grey, that Cops started to be Respectful to me. The first time I noticed it, I was stopped while zooming the Canyon Roads on my Sport-Tour Motorcycle. The Cop was Swearing and Cursing at me because he was impatient with how long it took me to park and power down. BUT as soon as I took the helmet off and he saw those Curly Grey Lockes his tone changed drastically… oh, now that I think about it, maybe he thought I was somebody else. Hmmmm, that seems to make more sense now. But, at the time it helped me see that Cops only have Hard-Ons for other Active Adult Males. After a Certain Age it is understood that you are Retired from the Game and so the Cops don’t feel they need to Score off of you. But you are still Really Young. But you already know that.

Oh, do you ever get frustrated watching TV and the Movies where the Screenwriters Get Everything Wrong. Are you always saying “a criminal wouldn’t act like that!” For instance, real criminals will always ditch their guns the moment the Cops are on the scene, unless they are in Mexico or Columbia. In many Countries it is Understood that to Hold onto a Piece in the presence of a Cop is sort of a Declaration of War. A Real Criminal will just Smirk and say “I can do the Time for This standing on my head”… nothing worth getting into a gun fight for… somebody could get hurt! Again this is why Cops would rather deal with Hardened Criminals than Ordinary Citizens. The Criminals know the Rules of Engagement. Cops can predict what a Criminal will do. Ordinary Citizens are more likely to act like the TV and the Movies and do something Crazy. So If you can’t Get Away, then you just Put your Hands Up and wait to be Told What to Do. Heck, I was never Criminal, but whenever I see a Cop approach my group or whatever and his hand is on his holster, my Hands Go Up and my eyes dart around to all my Friends that their hands should go up to. Whatever is making the Cop nervous enough to be on the clasp of that Holster, the first priority is to sooth and calm his jagged nerves by looking Peaceful, Calm and Respectful… and Afraid! I think Cops are comforted by the Look of Fear. Heck, anyone who isn’t afraid of Cops just hasn’t been watching the News And yet people will still mouth off to cops and demand respect. Yes, in a Perfect World. But with Cops you only get what you pay for. For the Most part Cops are idiots because anybody Smarter can get more money doing something else. It will never change until they start paying Cops commensurately to the Advanced Degrees you want them to have. Cops should me Masters and PHD’s. Instead they will hire cops straight out of HS. . Jeez… enough of this Paragraph (you thought you could wind a long story…).

Oh, I am so Glad that you saw the Wisdom in Moving. So many people do not agree with me on that point, that sometimes “You Just Have to Get the Heck Out of Dodge” (a reference to the Wild West Dodge City, a famous nexus for ambitious gun fighters. That phrase is used a lot by the Military. While it is considered somewhat ‘Shameful’ to retreat in the Face of the Enemy, it is a Sign of an Inherent Situational Wisdom to know that “Sometimes You Just Have To Get the Heck Out of Dodge”… oh, and the language is often much more colourful ).

Anyway, I have been indulging myself. I should get back to the Math Table (I am contemplating a 2nd Career in Mathematics – teaching it. But first I have to learn it). But I greatly enjoyed speaking with you. Again, I probably have it All Wrong. But I would enjoy hearing the stories that would set me straight. Thank you.

Sav8454 wrote:The court case and the people involved is where I really get angry with thinking about it and that is one particular subject I seldom talk about and have no problem telling people I am not close to that I refuse to discuss it due to it causing anger to bubble forth.

I understand that and I think it's healthy to stay off the topic as much as possible, if it triggers bad feelings without resolution. If you found a good therapist, ie. one you really trusted who could put things in a different perspective, that might help you to lay it to rest. Deliberate cruelty, lies and unfairness from other people are the genesis of complex PTSD. It destroys trust in ourselves, others, and our world.

The real reason I feel I have PTSD symptoms was due to the fact that I got locked up for something I didn't do which makes me deathly afraid that it can happen again.

I liken this to a woman being raped, a horrible, often life-threatening event. But then it gets worse. She doesn't want to talk about it, and other people don't want to hear it. She's supposed to pick herself up and go on with life in a world that's suddenly become hostile. If she goes to court, odds are the defence lawyer will get his client cleared. She then knows a) it can happen again at any time and b) the world around her will minimise and deny what happened to her.

You've done very well since that time, having your own business and a good marriage. Despite everything, your self-esteem is intact.

I wonder whether you're aware of a book called The Innocent Man. As far as I know it's John Grisham's only non-fiction book. You write well, and could tell your own story. If that seems like too much work, you could give inspirational talks about recovery from setback. The more you tell your story, the less 'sting' it carries.

You might want to tackle the court system in America, or counsel people just coming out of jail. There are lots of ways you can turn adverse experience into something positive.