need advice on husbands temper

I think its good that you are taking the time to investigate what to do about this as this could progress into something that may be dangerous to both you and your children.

I'm certainly no expert but i have experience of this whilst growing up and i wonder whether maybe he has other things on his mind? If for example he is particularly stressed at work, his frustrations might come out when looking after the children? Does he take time to relax, even things like gentle exercise can help someones stress and anger, is he doing anything to conquer his stress or does he not realise what he is doing?

Hi aash,

Welcome to the Forum.

It can be tiring and stressful being around someone with a temper.

Has your husband said anything to indicate that he's aware that his temper is getting worse? Or does he think it's acceptable?

I know that he is aware that it is unacceptable behavior because outside of the "heat of the moment", I have tried to talk to him. Mostly, me talking and him looking and nodding and saying I know, I know. With the children, I feel sometimes he may be getting angry with himself for feeling so overwhelmed.

I do not think that he thinks of it as worsening but I do think it is. Again when brought up or when we talk, he nods, aplogizes and does not really want to engage in any other conversation about it.

I think he tries, really hard. Today he is taking care of them and when he calls, he is not stressed out and sounds very, very happy. I think that he is trying very hard today because of what happened this past Sunday.

I am not sure at this point if there should be some 3rd party involvement (counseling) and if so exactly what sort of counselor and what sort of approach could be taken.

Thank you so much.

Hmm... as for an abuse talk, well... technically the government considers the thowing of objects, outward display of violence, blah, blah, blah... to be abuse. It's a questionable matter as to what true abuse is. That is something definitely saved for a different post, probably one long thread in itself as abuse leads to many things that don't have to do with anger in the slightest.

For the talks you guys are having, yes he does most likely know what he should and shouldn't be doing, however, while he may really be listening to you that is the same activity children and teenagers generally do when ignoring their parents, not saying he is ignoring you, just that it is a general set of motions used in response also by those trying not to listen. As for his anger being an issue, try to have a latenight talk with him about it after the children are asleep and you guys have sometime alone to discuss it. While chidren can miss many things, they often can read their parents emotions very easily (at least in most cases).

Before even considering counselling, have you yet considered taking a vacation from the children? Possibly drop them to a babysitters for a weekend and enjoy a relaxing weekend at a 5* hotel, have a romantic night or two, relax the whole time or as much as you can, then come back meet/grab the children and get ready for a new week of work/getting back into that daily routine of life.

If you wish for counseling make sure it's in a comfortable environment, just because a psychologist/psychiatrist says their office is a comfy place doesn't mean the two of you will be able to sit back and relax while discussing whatever might be the problem.

Hmm... else wise, ask him questions that he really has to answer. Like, "What is bothering you that you have to come home and destroy things that while not important were expensive and decorate our home?" Or possibly, "Want to get away for a bit?" Not necessarily the best examples, but they are meant as purely that, examples. Asking questions that he can yes and no through will only help him mask whatever it is that is bothering him. Also, perhaps you should also try getting him to hang out with some of the guys... it could be that he misses having friends around (sorry if that's far from the truth but I've heard it's something that happens when guys get married... we lose our friends and many of the things that define our lives to be in a marriage; not entirely true, not entirely false). Also, is there anything he does to relax? Are there any circumstances that have recently changed within the workplace? Within the relationship? Etc... etc...? These are all factors that could be getting under his skin, also is he usually open about things or do you generally have to pry? If you usually have to pry this could take a while to get out of him as this is probably something that's been brooding within him if he's willing to act on it, although if it's something far simpler, perhaps a deeper conversation without an audience will be what is needed to at least come to terms on how to handle it.

Good luck and hopefully things will work out for the best, no matter what that may be.

Hi Ash,

i am a husband who hit my wife repeatedly last Sunday in the presence of my 9 year old.

This behaviour was totally strange as we were very happy. We are building our new house, I just got this great job which placed us in a higher income bracket and made us much more comfortable, i just bought a new SUV, I recently discovered Christ again, started going to church again.

So i ask myself, WHY??? My wife did nothing to cause me to react this way towards her. All she did was be a bit irratible due to her monthly cycle and questioned my attitude.

I am so ashamed of myself and she is scared of me now. People tell me that outside factors such as Job stress, insecurity about the future, and defiance of people such as my wife who would be upset if i come home late after an evening with the boys would cause this.

Maybe your husband needs a break from babysitting. Ask him to go on out with the boys or or with his colleagues to relax and not question where he went. Let him tell you. Do not pressure him. He may also need a lot of rest. Maybe he has not been getting too much of that.

This may help him immensely.

Now tell me what i can do to get my wife to trust me again

Hmm... I could just be an donkey, and it wouldn't be the first time I've been called one, but here goes:

As for getting your wife to trust you, show her that you're still the same person and that it was an immense **** up. There is nothing you can do to take the memory from her mind that's legal and the illegal only leads to more trouble (unless...). Seeing as it seems you are on the general thought pattern of loving her and making sure she's there, I guess all I can prescribe as a generally common a**hole is to show her that you really care for her, that it was a mistake, and to else wise be supportive of whatever comes. That and neverever let her see that side of you again as long as you live since it makes for hard times when she can't trust if you're going to flip out on her or not.

Also, I'm probably wrong as hell in this but have you tried talking with her in a soft, calm, collected voice... kind of that one that makes people think you're gentle, relaxed, and far from willing to attack them (as long as this doesn't come off as creepy; meaning if you honestly are this way, she should at least be willing to give you the time of day and hopefully willing to listen to you). Agree to whatever happens as far as if counselling is called in or anger management courses, or anything else along the lines of taking care of the trust issue.

And as it might be what is the creepy part of all this, what was really going through your mind when it happened? Not that it was necessarily something different from something along the lines of "will she stfu, god damn it mother ****!", but I'm sure whatever it was, it's still a lit fuse ready to go off at anytime as generally sudden outbursts don't end after the one situation. They're just called sudden overall because you don't know the stimuli that brought it about, however, it'll most likely happen unless you figure out how to actively cease it no matter the situation.

These have been the words of a guy fiending for a smoke at 5:06am est. Please heed them as complete garbage and laugh if some parts in it sound like I was talking out my donkey.

Now on a serious note, sorry all of these people with any real knowledge in the department of marriage counselling are too "busy"/weak to bother replying... it's kind of piss poor.

I read your post with much interest. People often label people who have hit their loved ones as monsters but at the end of the day they (and you) and just people who need some help. I have experienced violence when i was young and it is one of the most terrifying things. It is particularly hard for your wife because she is probably trying to decide what best to do, everyone knows that women are advised to get out as soon as something like this happens. But i think some men do deserve a second chance, i'm not applauding what you did in any way but from my experience alot of blokes will hit a woman out of frustration not with the intent of hurting her. It doesn't make it any better and its certainly no excuse but i think it is possible for you to sort your troubles out. You obviously love her, you have to show her that you are also scared by your actions and are prepared to do anything to sort it out.

Good luck and don't despair.

I am a newlywed of about 6 months. My husband and I have known each other for about 2 1/2 years. Since the beginning of our relationship I have had trust issues with my (now) husband. He failed to tell me he was in the process of divorce w/ 2 children for the first six months of our relationship....along with late nights out with the boys, we have had our problems with trust. It seems like since we have gotten married, his temper has gotten bad. He's one extreme or the other. About 2 months ago he had me by the arm and threatened to break my arm if I didn't give him the car keys so he could leave (he'd been drinking). He also had me on our bed by the hair and spit in my face. He regrets what he's done, and hasn't been violent since, but I can't get it out of my head. He still has a temper with words. I feel alone and I don't know what to do. I love him and his children. I don't want to divorce, but when he gets mean with words, he blames me for everything....I'm feeling alone. I need some advice, friendship. Thank you.

The problem of domestic violence cannot be underestimated as any Probation and Parole Officer (as I was) can testify.

The jails are full of people with uncontrollable violence. When you talk to them, most are very nice and appear ‘normal’. Those with a minimum amount of insight will tell you that they have no idea why they can be so violent, or that they may have acted "out of character".

I am also a nutritional psychologist and my job was to 'rehabilitate' offenders. Many incidents of domestic violence occur under the influence of alcohol, and alcohol in particular can trigger very violent reactions. The reason is that alcohol is a hypoglycemic chemical that can suddenly lower blood sugar levels in some people with a sensitivity to alcohol. A person in a hypoglycemic state can be compared to an animal without a brain. Whereas non-alcoholic people might slow down and fall asleep, in alcoholic people it can raise their energy levels to extreme (due to adrenaline) and their behaviour can be out of control.

Many of my clients also report that they could not remember their offence (murder or grievously bodily harm). If alcohol consumption plays a role in violent behaviour, treatment of alcoholism is absolutely essential. Return to alcohol is usually a bad sign.

There are many psychological explanations why people may overreact and much of this has to do with their negative self-image and lack of social skills.

However my experience has been that “talk therapy” has been of little use, because many of these clients would ‘relapse’ into violent behaviour soon after ‘therapy’.

Being a nutritional psychologist I was of course interested if there could be a metabolic disorder that could explain that kind of behaviour. Working with doctors with a similar interests as myself, we found that MOST violent offenders, whether alcoholic or not, were hypoglycemic!!!!

Thus the first step in the treatment of ‘recidivist’ violent behaviour is to test clients with the special test for hypoglycemia. This test is described at our web site at:

www.hypoglycemia.asn.au

“Testing for Hypoglycemia and How the Doctor can Help”

We also have a paper-and-pencil, test called the NBI (Search web site). If you score high then you are likely to be hypoglycemic. The hypoglycemic syndrome has many forms and types and some can be due to a mineral imbalance (especially zinc and copper) whilst blood sugar levels may range within the norm.

The biochemical aspects of violent behaviour can be explained in terms of overproduction of adrenaline in certain stressful situations - the fight/flight hormone - that is triggered in people who suffer from brain energy starvation.

Thus an essential part of treatment is putting clients on a hypoglycemic diet, that includes also detection of possible allergies and food sensitivities as well as nutritional deficiencies (especially mineral imbalances by way of hair analysis).

The psychological aspects to violent behaviour should not be ignored either. I have found that most violent people are extremely sensitive to criticism.

This usually means that they have a negative self-image which can date back to childhood. It is has been suggested that some people implode and others explode in stress situations, and it seems that violent-prone people tend to explode.

This negative self-image may be due to the fact that they never had complete control over their moods due to the metabolic disorder, and have learned to be aggressive to deal with it. But even if that is treated (by the hypoglycemic diet), they still need to learn appropriate defences against criticism.

The psychotherapy course I taught in groups is based on EGO psychology, where the self-image is seen as being at the core of personality. If you are interested in that course it is best to read on it at our web site under PSYCHOTHERAPY. Assertiveness Training is an important part of treatment.

Thus in summary treating violent behaviour is primarily based on treating the nutritional biochemistry affecting behaviour and this is followed by more traditional psychotherapy.

I always advised for both members in a relationship to participate in the course so that both would be aware of what is going on. Some of the triggers of violent behaviour can be dealt with immediately by either partners, once you understand some of the mechanisms involved.

Jurriaan - I read your posting with great interest, as it touches on so many aspects of my life.

In myself, I have noticed sudden feelings of intense anger, though I have not acted on it as others have (so far, anyway). These seem to not really have a trigger, or at least, not one connected to the moment. I have been recently diagnosed hypoglycemic, but at the same time, was offered no care for it, only told to "eat better". If I read your post correctly, you are saying that hypoglycemic episodes could be causing my sudden feelings of anger?

Hi Usedfool,

<I have been recently diagnosed hypoglycemic, but at the same time, was offered no care for it, only told to "eat better". If I read your post correctly, you are saying that hypoglycemic episodes could be causing my sudden feelings of anger?>

If you are diagnosed hypoglycemic you need to go on the hypoglycemic diet. See our web site at:

www.hypoglycemia.asn.au

Depending on the type of hypoglycemia, if you have a sudden descent of blood sugar levels, the brain will trigger the release of adrenaline which is partially responsible for uncontrolled anger out bursts.

Going on a hypoglycemic diet will normalize blood sugar, insulin and stress hormone levels.

Cheers

Jur