I AM BEGGING FOR HELP

Firstly i am sorry for my bad English.I was diagnosed by generalized anxiety disorder and major depression. I took therapy and my psychiatrist gave me some antidepressants.i quited taking therapies and using medicines. And nowadays i began to experience anxiety attacks and derealization...I am crying so much without control etc. But now I found out what is my reasons to have anxiety etc. I didnt confess my therapist. But i am sure it is about my childhood. My mom always hated to me because I was a female. She always desired to have more sons. She always was saying swear words to me... I remember when i was a little girl, i began to pee like a man. I behaved like my brother to get my mother's love..it was my first trauma... when i was a child, i was witness of rape etc. One man touched a little girl in the shopping center. When i saw it, my mom was with me but i felt weird and i didnt tell anything to her. Because I didnt understand what this man exactly did and I was afraid of my mom. She always yelled at me. After many years, i realized this man abused her, it became my second trauma... after this event, my cousin taught me very nasty things and she forced me to watch her parents when they were sleeping. I was afraid very much. But I didnt complain her to anyone...after her behaviour, i never wanted to visit my relatives...there are many things that i am still not ready to share. After all of these things, I remember I began to abuse my dolls, barbies and try to behave like a man... I was neglected child so no one noticed what is wrong with me. Anyway then I began to have mastrubation. It lasted until I lost my virginity although I have never made sex with a man. When i became 18 years old, I noticed what worse traumatic things I lived. I didnt handle all and I tried to commit suicide with some medicines. But my friend took me to hospital, just my stomach wall was damaged... I began to blame myself because I thought I was sinful and it was my faulty. After all, one day I had serious panic attack.. I took therapies for many years. Of course therapies and medicines helped me. I am better than past. But I still have deep grief, anxiety and I sometimes blamed myself. I thought why did I have these experiences? Abuse, poverty, violence, neglection, my faulties etc..I was a child.Now I am insane,sinful, hopless.. I feel ashamed... I began to feel like i am going to crazy again. Help me please. I cannot feel myself. I cannot feel my body and my brain. I usually has derealization. I am afraid to have insane. There is no one to help me. For the first time I confessed these in my life. I cannot talk with my psychothreapist or anyone. I am afraid of everyone. Pls give me advice how can I escape from anxiety attacks, derealization and self blame.