Hi
I am new to the board, but have found the discussions here very interesting.
I have been reading Oliver James' book 'They f*** you up', about the impact of criticial parenting on adult depression.
The problem that I have is that my parents were never critical and in fact were very encouraging towards me. They never tried to make me perform really well.
I am recovering from anorexia and depression, but feel that this has mostly been my fault, as I am the one who sets my standards high, not my parents.
However, I started to think that although my parents have been encouraging, they do not react well if I get angry or upset (which now I am finally doing at the age of 27!). I feel that they have not allowed me to have bad emotions, and that whilst encouraging me a lot, the presupposition is that because I am being encouraged so much, I can never feel bad.
I was very isolated and lonely at school, but because my parents thought I must be 'happy', because of their 'excellent' parenting, I could never tell them.
I was wondering if anyone could relate to this eg the beliefs that are given out by parents that they are 'excellent' parents, and the reality of the experience, which is one of confusion in the child. I know that direct criticism is abusive, but it seems to me that mixed messages like these are just as dangerous, yet perhaps more difficult to deal with because there is nothing to direct the anger towards.
I hope this makes some sense.
Thank you for any help or suggestions with this.