First Serious Episode -- New Here

It's time to change your self talk

This video can help you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGgnx4f ... YwdCN2DLoN

Dear Gina,

God bless you, you poor thing, but, yes, you really got angry, didn’t you?

Please tell me, had you been drinking, or were you that angry stone cold sober? But I guess it doesn’t matter one way or another. We all take a drink now and then but we still must maintain some degree of composure.

Anyway, you have Two Problems. The first problem is that you can be taken unawares by the buildup of explosive anger. It’s really all about Adrenaline. If you are experienced about controlling your anger, then you would know the signs that your adrenaline level is rising – you feel flush or hot, your muscles tense, you make fists, your teeth clench and grind, your voice increases in volume, you either start talking in straight profanities or your thinking is more or less constant profanities. Those of us who know what is going on can simply stop that whole process just by taking a few deep breaths and saying to ourselves “wow, that was a close one”.

The second problem you have is that you are not practiced at evaluating the Reality/Truth Content of the thoughts you are thinking. What happened was you had some resentment about something… a grudge… somebody hurt your feelings, and you just let your thinking run away with itself. Your thinking got exaggerated but you did not listen closely enough to it to bring it back to Reality. You let your distorted and excited thinking work you up into, well, that Bleach Frenzy. Now, that Problem of your mind running away with itself is actually much easier to catch than the Adrenaline problem. Adrenaline can come on quickly and we might only have a second or two to step in and stop it with that deep breath. But the build up of bitter, resentful and hostile thoughts, well, that takes a while and is really extremely easy to notice once one is aware that one is subject to anger issues. You just need to start listening to your thinking… not just follow it… but you need to do Reality Checks on it. Am I thinking clearly? You need to ask yourself all the time whether or not you are thinking clearly.

Oh, and your Two Problems interrelate. The Distorted and Troubled Thinking Problem and the Adrenaline Problem, well they are like the Chicken and the Egg, Cause and Effect. Adrenaline is an Animal Instinct thing. You know about the Fight or Flight reaction in animals, when they sense danger. Well, animals have adrenaline too, and it turns on their Fight or Flight reaction, but animals actually wait for real danger to occur. Human Beings developed their really huge and imaginative Minds relatively quickly, and unfortunately all of the kinks weren’t all ironed out. So human beings are able to misuse their really huge brains to the point where they can imagine Threats and Dangers that really are not there, but the Adrenaline is released anyway.

So, anyway, you can see how important it is to keep an eye on what we are thinking. We need to not exaggerate. We need to not generalize. We need to not swear and cuss in our heads (it just works us up into an unnecessary frenzy). And if confronted by anything sudden, we need to recognize the onset of an Adrenaline release and how to clamp down on it.

Now, none of this can be learned overnight. Of course, you can go to a Therapist, but even I have gone to therapists and the first thing they do is recommend that you read Anger Management self help books. It easy to understand why. If you do some daily reading of anger issue books… making it something of a ritual behavior, then it helps you to always stay aware of your potential problems with anger. Ordinarily we might do some intensive work on ourselves in regards to our anger issues immediately after we have had some serious episode, but then as time passes, we begin to forget that we have a problem, that is, until we explode again. So we need to keep Anger at the forefront of our attention, or at least to the extent that we have some daily reminder for ourselves that we must keep up out guard and maintain all of the good practices that we had learned.

Of course, you could find your own books. Go on line and just buy the ones with reviews that seem to show that the books would appeal to you. But I have a few suggestions of my own. One book I recommend, because I found I had given it a splendid review on that Big On Line Merchandizer’s Website is “Angry All The Time: An Emergency Guide to Anger Control” by Ronald Potter-Efron (my review is on the 3rd page of the 5 Stars). I had said that it is the one book most likely to bring anybody back ‘from the edge’. Also, check out “Rage” by Ronald Potter-Efron (the same author as the previous book). I think it is the best book on the subject of extreme rage. Then there is a book about Cognitive Behavior Therapy. The premise behind cognitive behavior therapy is that when people are angry or depressed because of their negative thinking, well, it makes the most sense to address the problem by addressing the Thinking behind the problem. No, there is no churning up the past and talking about Mother and Childhood – all that is ancient history. The Idea is to simply learn how to turn off the negative thinking, or learn to think of something else instead. It also involves reevaluating your thinking in regards to whether you have been nurturing misconceptions or exaggerating generalizations. Anyway, the name of that book is “Cognitive and Dialectical Therapy Unleashed”, by James Ashley. It’s a good book and very affordable. And finally there is one book that is a bit of a favorite of mine: “Anger Management” by Peter Favaro, in that it seems to be more complete and organized than a lot of the other books.

Anyway, good luck to you. I know how miserable you must be feeling. Anyone of us that has gone through a serious anger episode will of course have regrets, and it will take a considerably long time to ‘live it down’ in the eyes of our friends and loved ones, if we ever do. For instance, I have not had an angry episode in years, but some of my old ‘friends’ still tippy toe around me, afraid that I might blow up. Indeed, I realized that sometimes one can never go back. Sometimes you can’t un-ring the bell. If the Well has been poisoned, then it is poisoned and it will stay poisoned. People might forgive but they will never forget. You might have to realize that you have lost your good friends forever. Well, get on with your life and make new friends, but make sure that this time you keep them.

Leo Volont wrote:Please tell me, had you been drinking, or were you that angry stone cold sober? But I guess it doesn’t matter one way or another. We all take a drink now and then but we still must maintain some degree of composure.

Hi, Leo. Glad you posted. I love your commentary in these forums.

I was sober, as I have been for 3+ years, except for the occasional social joint (blunt, doobie, spliff, you get the picture) during this last year, which so far as I can tell isn't a problem for me. However, many 12-steppers would argue that abstinence is abstinence, so all mood-altering chemicals should be avoided. In addition, those of us in the program would say I've been "white knuckling it" for some time now. I stopped going to meetings about a year and a half ago, except for the rare occasion. Those points are under another topic altogether, though, and this is not a chemical dependency forum, so I digress. The only correlation is that I primarily stopped going to meetings because they were "starting to piss me off."

I will check out the self-help books and continue following your posts. Thank you.

I just got off the phone with my dear friend. The good friend that she is, she told me what she really thought. She said it was scary, and she didn't know that was inside me.

I confess, I left out an important part, although I don't recall if I did it intentionally or not, but I'm guessing that I did because it was my first post to a new forum of people. The important part is that I took a camera and videoed my first encounter with the two girls in the morning. They had come to bang on the door of the room I had moved to to sleep, so I knew they'd found my surprise for them. As it was not pre-meditated, I did not have my own phone or camera, but "borrowed" one that was in the room. My intention was to capture any physical assault they would do to me and, therefore, justify hitting them back once the videographic evidence sufficiently showed that it was "self defense." The outcome was creepy. My attempt to remain calm in the face of hysteria came across as rather psychotic and eery. I simply didn't want to give them the satisfaction of rising to their level of expression or to do/say anything that might incriminate me in the events.

While my intentions were not to be scary in any way, it was. I struggle with the thought that I am losing my mind and "What is wrong with me?"It could be true and fair to say that if I do nothing preventative that I could/would lose my mind. What is wrong with me, I believe, is a deep-seeded rage fostered by past experiences of feeling wronged and powerless.

I am sad that I have scared my friend. I am scared that I scared her and others. My friend's mom is schizophrenic, and I feel guilty that now she has to deal with me, as much as I am trying to protect her from me now by flying to another city. She may always look at me and wonder what else is hidden beneath the surface. I fear that I will always wonder, too, and worry about when I will "meet" a new side of me unexpectedly.

I'm not schizophrenic, but possibly something else? Or is it just anger? Can anyone take a guess? Leo?

Are you willing to change?

Are you willing to forgive past hurts and let them go?

Are you willing to be a more friendly person?

JuliusFawcett wrote:Are you willing to change?

Are you willing to forgive past hurts and let them go?

Are you willing to be a more friendly person?

Yes. now what?

Julius,

You misunderstand me far too much.

I have been in AA since I turned 21 years old. I have been sober for over 3 years. I have been willing to subject myself to so much change in my person for a long time. However, relapse is always possible. I did not drink, but I have been acting like what we in the program would call a "dry drunk."

Because I have been in a 12-step program before and completed all 12 steps, you must know then that during Steps 4 and 5, I took a painstaking inventory of my resentments, character defects, and so on. I had the help of a sponsor. I went to meetings. I forgave a lot and let a lot go. I made amends. To my crippling grief at this time, I have realized that all I did, all the tears I shed and the writing homework, etc., were not enough, and I must begin again.

I am an extremely charismatic, kind, sensitive, and compassionate person. One might even describe me as codependent. When I lash out, it is not because I am an unfriendly person, but rather that I am so sensitive, to an unhealthy and extreme degree, I get hurt or offended to an impractical level when I detect any form of undeserved attack, and thus my anger becomes aroused.

So my answer to your questions isn't yes, but it isn't no, either. It's, "Don't presume..." If I were a dog, I would be rolled on my back with my tail between my legs right now.

Thank you,
Gina

There is never any need to apologise for being sensitive, sensitive people are the one's who bring more humanity to the world, put the kindness into human kind, it's not possible to be too sensitive, it is one of the finest of human qualities.

and

There is never any need to take anything personally. What anyone says or does to you is NOTHING to do with you, it is only information about who they are and where they are in their personal development. In that moment, they can never be anyone else than who they are being in that moment, they are trying their best, so they don't have unconditional love for you, how could they? They have never been taught it. Your response, YOUR response is who you are, is what you bring to the table, can you forgive again and again and again? Maybe, maybe not, there is no need to beat yourself up about it. Accept where you are with your development, pick yourself up, dust yourself down and go again, you are amazing, you are powerful, your sensitivity is gold dust to a world that could use more caring people, believe in yourself more, you have something unique to offer that only you can bring to the party

MyNameIsGina wrote:
….When I lash out, it is not because I am an unfriendly person, but rather that I am so sensitive, to an unhealthy and extreme degree, I get hurt or offended to an impractical level when I detect any form of undeserved attack, and thus my anger becomes aroused.

Gina

Hi Gina,

I think we can work with this. I tend to be the same way… well, so are most people, now that I think about it. What I mean is because we are all Self-Referenced in a lot of our thinking, that is, “how do all these Sensations and Perceptions relate to Me”, that we allow our evaluation processes to get out of perspective.

For instance, take Criticism from others. Well, people like us who enjoy a high opinion of ourselves (yes, and we even admit to it), find it quite unnerving and it tends to bring up our Anger. But, what we are not factoring into the equation is that this Criticism means practically nothing to whomsoever said it. In ten minutes they might even forgot what they said. The other people in the room, well, we may wonder what they think about it? Well, half the people in the room weren’t paying attention and the other half have their own problems to worry about and really don’t care. Even if somebody had laughed, the moment will soon pass and he will be laughing at something else in less than five minutes time.

In short, we must be very careful to put all criticism we hear about ourselves into the proper perspective. We need to ask ourselves whether the people who criticize us even care or just like to say whatever it is that pops into their heads, that they like to hear themselves talk. We need to ask ourselves whether anybody else really cares what they say. And the most likely answer is Probably not.

Even successful artists and performers have to confront deadly bad criticisms in the newspapers or online. And their Public Relations People are quick to tell them that other Reviews are good and Sales are Up, so don’t get mad when there really is nothing to get mad about. You can absolutely refuse to send a Christmas Card to that Reviewer next Christmas, but his criticism is nothing to waste your nervous energies over.

Really, this advice I’m giving you really does work… it works for me. I still have a very high opinion of myself, but have come to realize and factor in the Truth that I mean relatively little to other people. Oh, and this would even include Best Friends and Spouses. We may originally think that we mean the World to these very close and intimate companions of ours, but actually, that place is taken up by themselves. They love themselves almost infinitely more than they love you, and this cynical truth applies everywhere except in the Parent Child relationship, where parents really do seem to invest a large part of themselves into their children. But in every other relationship in life, you will probably be closer to the truth by underestimating how important you are in their lives than by overestimating it. I hate being cynical, but the best way to assure our place in the hearts of our friends and loved ones is to be very useful to them somehow.

This brings us to the Great Truth of Life, or one of them anyway, and that is “If they don’t care about me, then why should I care so much about them, and what they say about me, etc.”

So, yes, I think that is a very useful piece of advice that you can actually grasp and work with, no? At least it is something solid to think over. Let me know what you think?

JuliusFawcett wrote:There is never any need to apologise for being sensitive, sensitive people are the one's who bring more humanity to the world, put the kindness into human kind, it's not possible to be too sensitive, it is one of the finest of human qualities.

and

There is never any need to take anything personally. What anyone says or does to you is NOTHING to do with you, it is only information about who they are and where they are in their personal development. In that moment, they can never be anyone else than who they are being in that moment, they are trying their best, so they don't have unconditional love for you, how could they? They have never been taught it. Your response, YOUR response is who you are, is what you bring to the table, can you forgive again and again and again? Maybe, maybe not, there is no need to beat yourself up about it. Accept where you are with your development, pick yourself up, dust yourself down and go again, you are amazing, you are powerful, your sensitivity is gold dust to a world that could use more caring people, believe in yourself more, you have something unique to offer that only you can bring to the party

Thank you, Julius. I will reflect on that.

I know that you will, sensitive people listen, this brings challenges and it also makes them very good companions

I know that it is very hmm... challenging for you but you can't lose your mind. I suggest you to take some stres management lesson or something like that.