Need some friends and some meaning

Hi Siamese. I'm sorry to hear of your 'friend' that you met on the internet, but then turned out to NOT be a friend at all. I can empathize with your situation as I am about the same way. It is very, very hard for me to make friends and especially at my age (36). I know I'm not THAT old but most of the women my age have families, careers, etc., of their own that it is very hard to 'take in more friends' than they already have. At least that is the way I see it. My motto for friendships at work was "I am not here to make friends, I am here to do a job", due to past relationships at work that always seemed to go sour. At my latest job, there are so many people in my group and alot of them are friends in addition to being co-workers that I became lax in enforcing my motto. I thought I had become friends with some gals on my team, only to find out that they are one way to your face and another to the boss, complaining about me and hence I received a very negative review. Now I am to the point again that I do not trust people and my motto sticks!!

So I hear you on everything you say. I know it is hard to make those types of friendships that develop a bond, or that you feel they genuinely care and respect you. Gosh, what is that like???? On another note, I completely understand the depression. You explained it exactly like I experience it. It is a dark demon that seems to always be there for me, so to speak. It is like a comfort zone as it is what I am used to. I long for the day that I could live a 'normal' life and think 'normally' about everyday stuff. But so far its the same ole sh** just a different day.

As far as finding meaning in your life have you tried the church? With two young children is there any playgroups in your neighborhood? If you are like me, I wait for things to come to me and rarely reach out and take risk to find it myself, namely to avoid rejection. But I am working on changing that. I found this board a few weeks ago and it is filled with great information and good people to talk to about what problems are going on. Try reading through the Depression Learning Path and the Self-Esteem information. Another topic is the Personal Development and Goal setting - I have these two printed out and will work through them soon. It is very good information. Just remember you are not alone. Take care and sorry I went on and on and on and on..........

Firstly I'm glad to see there are other people who allow themselves to get carried away with the typing, it's not just ME!

Unfortunately the internet isn't exactly the best way to make (true) friends as there are plently of ways to abuse it.

Having said that, I actually met my last girlfriend via the 'net. At the time I was running a website that she emailed and we ended up having quite in depth conversations via email. I still think she was a bit silly to suggest that we met up (I seem to remember saying "I could be an axe-murderer or anything") but I suppose we both took that chance. It turned out to be a good friendship and a little later a bit of romance. However she was a lot younger than me and we ended up just as friends (we're still very good friends).

I've only been on this forum the past few days but I can really see the benefits of like-minded opinions and experiences. I also note that the forum is well moderated and I'm guessing any misleading information will be removed or at least pointed out by the moderators. So I guess it's a good place to open up. Who knows, even "virtual" friends may be just the thing you need?

I'm a little like the last poster in that I do tend to "wait for things to come to me". Sometimes you've got to take a bit of a chance I suppose? We're all afraid of rejection, but if you don't tke the chance you may never get that chance for happiness.

[I think I'm talking to/about myself here, maybe I should take my own advice?]

Hope you get something out of this forum. Take care though.

Siamese,
Try not to feel guilty ("I feel so ungrateful") about how you feel. Depression causes very real physical and emotional symptoms and feeling guilty won't help at all. (I know, that is easier said than done sometimes )

It can be difficult for some of us to make friends. For myself, I try to keep my expectations in line with what the other person is willing to give. (It sounded like you did try to do this with the American woman.) And just accept that sometimes people's circumstances change and they move on and can't\don't want to spend as much time.

Also, the first step in making a friend is meeting someone.

Try to figure out what goes through your mind when dealing with other people. For example: All the other moms are in their own group, if I go over there they might snub me. Or 'those other moms look so "together", happy, like they're life is just wonderful. If I talk with them they will know I'm not'.

These are examples of all or nothing thinking, and mind-reading. These kinds of thinking patterns are your enemy. Try to create alternate scenarios in your mind to get over the fear. For example: "I don't know that those women's lives are really wonderful. And just because I'm nervous it doesn't mean they will notice, or even if they do, they might still like me".

Exercise, good diet and vitamins, meditation or other calming activities really help. If trying to do all that seems overwhelming, just start slowly with one thing at a time.

~Mermaid

HOD, glad to hear it turned out you weren't an axe-murderer when you uhh, met your ex, this is confusing!

Anyhoo.

I read what you wrote, siamese, and I felt I could relate so much to it, not the whole having kids and a husband thing, but I have one friend, a 'virtual-friend' if you will, knowing her feels like enlightenment, can't quite begin to describe, we seem so similiar, yes, even the humor (especially our schewed sense of humour, although I always think I lack one). Anyway, I've known her for three or so odd years, never met, probably never going to, but I feel this strong bond with her. And yet I want more, I want friends, plural, I think thats what I identified with, how should I put this, I want a social life, or to be a part of a social circle. My friend, in my eyes, is like the situation with your family (okay, its nothing alike, but you get my point, my family can't stand me, I don't have that comfort zone with them, but I do with my friend). Anyhoo, now I'm talking about me when I shouldn't be, so back to my point, although I'm still trying to think one up. I've never (here I go again...) been able to make friends, I wanted it so desperately to happen at work, people were pleasent enough (minus a guy who constantly tried to make me feel awkward (and minus his mum who was the boss who I just found plain threatening (and minus the team leader who for some odd reason I found difficult to talk to (more so than anyone else)))), but then I realised they backstabbed me, I felt like a fish out of water, I couldn't stop wondering how people could be so cruel, it could have killed me (nearly did), I feel like screaming at the next person who is mean to someone else how damaging they can be, don't care about myself, I feel as if I deserve what I get and then some more.

ANYWAY!

I'm sorry but I don't think I can tell you the meaning of life, if I knew that the universe would probably decide to become more confusing or however the theory goes. I'm struggling to find a reason for me to carry on too, I just don't have an aim, my friend is practically forcing me to stay alive (maybe thats the same with your family?) but I find it so hard to remember to breath, or feels like.

Siamese, I'm going to take a look at the people who have the stuff I want right now (friends), and then I've gotta ask myself, why do these people have friends if everyone is oh so cruel? Maybe their friends are rather splendiforous, otherwise they wouldn't be friends, right? And there are like a zillion friendships out there, and from experience (talking to people) I'd say there are many many more just wanting to be made, I see no reason why you can't be one of those people to connect with one of those other people and many many more. Maybe that should be your aim. The thing is, my work environment was the wrong place to make friends, if I don't kill myself beforehand maybe the next work environment will be a better place? I think thats what it comes down to in the end, whilst I am quick to blame myself for not making friends, for very good reason! The people who have posted on this forum (in this thread, sorta) strike me as just not having being in those right environments, some hurt because there are some wicked people out there who can't possible be human, I think what you need to do is get out there and find that environment!

Like someone suggested, things like Church, playgroups, a book club, whatever, they could help tremendously, they could be where you make the biggest bonds of your life, and if they don't, you'll hopefully have done something you enjoyed whilst being in those environments.

I feel like I'm talking crap here, I so lust after what other people have got, I really wonder how people make those bonds, and then there's the fact that I feel as dull as whatever, I can't help but pray to a god I don't believe in that I can be like them, and I forever wonder what it IS to be like them!

I guess I empathise and relate to ALOT of what has been said here.

Anyhoo, sorry for being a useless boohoo.

Good luck with everything, hope it goes well, sounds as if you deserve it to .

Thanks everyone for the kind words. After a good nights sleep I'm feeling a little better, although I can still feel the blackness lurking in the background. Do you feel like depression controls you completely, like there's no escape? It scares me alot. Do you recommend therapy, has anyone had any experience of that? I'm close to phoning a local therapist but have yet to pluck up the courage. Do they help with things like self-esteem?
I'm glad I'm not the only one anyway (well, I don't mean it like that exactly, I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy). Thanks anyway for bothering to reply and to share your experiences, it really means alot as I find it so hard to share all this stuff with anyone. I think you have a point when you say that sometimes you have to reach out and take a risk rather than sitting back and waiting for experiences to happen. I guess I do that too much and it doesn't achieve anything. Yes, church is an option, but there's one problem with that, I'm not sure that I believe in God, although I'd love to believe in some higher power out there. I don't believe in anything unless it is proved to be real. The kids are both of school age, my youngest is starting school full-time in September. I think I'm worried about that too, I'm going to feel redundant with no child at home.
Another of my problems is that I find it hard to get past the 'small-talk' stage and develop a deeper relationship with anyone, and I don't actually like talking that much, it's much easier to write. I can never find the words to say when I'm face to face with someone. Does anybody else have this problem? How do you get over it?
Also, do you think that in general depressed people are alot more sensitive than normal people and take every little knock personally? How do you desensitize yourself?
Thanks again, I'm so glad I've found this forum and the Learning Path, it's really helped.

One realization that helped me a lot with being oversensitive to things people say, is that the person is speaking about themselves, not about you. On the other hand, if many people say the same thing (e.g. you are too intense), you might be onto a cultural norm of behaviour that you aren't respecting (such as the value of small-talk).

For example, I hate small talk - I find it boring, superficial and frustrating. But I have gradually learned to understand its many functions in social life, so I have practiced it more and more. Amazingly, this is a great way to become friends with people (although not necessarily the deep meaningful kind), build trust, and develop empathy (one of the best ways to develop friendships!)

Also, friendship required quite a high level of tolerance, for example, you may feel betrayed by a friend, but they probably have a different point of view, and if you can listen and understand that, you might be able to keep the friendship.

Good luck to everyone who posted - it certainly is difficult.

Hi Siamese. I can so relate with everything you say again!! If we lived closer I would want to be friends with you!!!! I too am struggling with the church thing, my husband insists we go but I too have the problem with 'cant see it, dont believe it'. But I know that spirituality is within a person whether it be God or a higher power. What I am wanting is just a place to BELONG. Besides my house, I'm not sure there is a place that I feel like I belong and that is such a lonely feeling sometimes. I am going to give church a try again to see if I can eventually get the feeling that I belong there. Usually I go one or two times then think 'what a crock'. this time I will be a bit more patient with it and maybe the spirtuality will come to me, maybe not.

Anyway, on another note I really relate to getting beyond the small talk with people is difficult. I have never been good at small talk and find it very uncomfortable in certain situations. Especially when someone asks 'How are you doing?' - I so want to feel their ear with my sad story of depression and how down and low I feel. I find it really hard to be around happy, go-lucky people when I am in my state of mind. Its like I need to leave IT at home and become someone else to the outside work. Doesnt work for me. Does that make sense to anyone? Can some people actually turn the depression off temporarily while they are dealing with it?

And I can only speak for myself, but yes I think I am more sensitive to events than 'normal' people, whether it really happens or my wicked imagination comes up with it. I guess I am a little paranoid and suspicious when it comes to people. Note to self: work on this in therapy!!!

Quote from Ghost: One realization that helped me a lot with being oversensitive to things people say, is that the person is speaking about themselves, not about you.

_______

I also wanted to add something my mother recently said to me that she learned in a Interpersonal communcation skills class.

"When Peter is talking about Paul, Peter is talking more about Peter than Paul"

Kind of a tongue twister I think, but has good meaning. I am trying to remember this when I find I am being too sensitive.

Yes, another one is, when you point a finger at someone, there are three pointing back at you!