Help/advice/guidance needed...

Hey all,

I'm new to this forum, I don't even know if I'm posting in the right place but I'm lost, confused and have no idea how to feel. I hope there's some kind people out there who can offer me advice, guidance and help.

I'm a 21 year old student who has been with my girlfriend for just under 3 years and we have often had a happy and stable relationship in all aspects.

My girlfriend has had anorexia for almost 4 years. This is something that we've always managed together and I have stood by her no matter what she goes through, no matter what happens.

Before we were together she was in an extremely bad way, she had been in and out of hospital for months and was at an unhealthy weight. She had no self esteem, no confidence and no will to carry on. Even attempting suicide.

Since we met her eating has drastically improved and she has come to grow into the beautiful, kind and warmhearted person I love today. Her weight is at a healthy level and she is confident.

This is not to say however that she hasn't had difficult patches. It's something we've always tried to manage together and she's always been given as much space as needed from her loved ones.

There's been three times across our relationship where her eating has deteriorated. Whenever anything becomes a bit too much in her life she goes through a difficult patch. This is something I've always stood by her with and we've taken everything in our stride. I've often given her a wide birth and a lot of leeway in our relationship. Often putting up with a lot more than any boyfriend would even consider.

Let me take it from the top. But before I continue I must explain some details:

•We do not live together
•She is my age
•We study at the same University
•We have both come to the end of our first year
•Out of term we live 90 minutes drive away
•We try and see each other when we can
•I shall refer to my girlfriend as 'C' and when needed, myself as 'A'

Please reserve all judgement until the end of my post.

In July/August 2009 C's eating deteriorated for the first time since we were together. This was hard for both of us. Previously I had had no first hand experience of a loved one suffering from an Eating Disorder. When we got together I was only ever loving myself allowing her to grow away from her anorexia without having any knowledge of it (I was made aware a few months into the relationship). Thankfully towards the end of August C's eating improved and we were back to 'normal'.

Back then we were going though a bad patch in our relationship. Arguing (although never, EVER about food), bickering and things even got as bad for C to turn up at my door at 2AM claiming she wanted to end things. After a couple of hours we decided to see how things would go and since then our relationship has grown even stronger.

During one argument I asked C 'is there anyone else?' and she responded with a sharp 'No! How could you even suggest such a thing?!'. And after this I blamed myself for being an untrusting boyfriend.

Things moved on until a mutual good friend of ours forwarded an email that she's sent him detailing how 'things with my "A" got really bad. I started really falling for this other guy but realised and things are okay now'. Being a loving and understanding guy I spoke with C about this and decided that it shouldn't play any impact on our relationship.

Fast forwarding until February 2010 C and I went for a romantic break for a weekend courtesy of the Bank of "A". Around this time I had again noticed that C's eating had again deteriorated (hence the desire to whisk her away for a romantic break, make her feel appreciated, desired and let her know that people care for her). We had a great time, we went shopping, out for meals and it really helped to escape from any pressures back home that were affecting us.

I also noticed however that C had been different around me (much like the last time her eating was bad). We weren't quite arguing as much but I noticed her being very secretive about things such as her phone. Naturally I just let it slide as things appeared to be fine between us and her eating was on the up.

Now I am in no way proud of the following but C wasn't reaching out to me about this issue (much like the previous time).

Whilst we were on the weekend break I decided to read a text message that had come through on her mobile phone. It was from a Chef (different from the first guy) at her work saying 'I miss you'. This obviously created a great deal of concern for me and being the nosy individual I am I read two text messages she had sent to this individual. The first whilst we were at dinner in a restaurant and the other after we had made love in the evening. The first was 'I really wish I'd stayed at yours the other night' and the second 'You've been on my mind all day'.

Naturally I confronted C about these (although reluctantly due to how I found out, something I have hated myself to the day for doing). C explained she had no feeling for the guy and she doesn't know why she'd said such things. We got through this ordeal and her eating improved soon after this.

For the next several months or so things were great, never better in fact. C's eating had been stable for a long time and our relationship had never been as fantastic.

This takes us through to around a few months ago, easter time.

I'd been noticing that she'd been spending an lot of time with this new male friend she'd met via a flatmate. I've never had issues with her having male friends at all.

In the first week of the easter break C returned from the Uni sport's tour in Spain. I offered to travel up to her from my home back to the Uni. C politely denied my offer as she was tired and she'd arrived back late in the evening.

The next day I discovered she had stayed at this guys house in his bed. Although she tells me he slept on the floor. At the time I saw no issue of this and l mentioned to C.

The next couple of months revealed more things to me about her and this guy. First I learned he admitted he likes her. Then I find out she's been going around to his quite frequently, even ahead of seeing me.

Around a month ago she admitted to me that he tried to kiss her and she'd pushed him away. I was appreciative of her honesty. However I was starting to distrust her for obvious reasons.

Again I have some serious regrets about what I'm about to say but I felt it needed to be done (although the ends never justify the means).

Things got a bit too much and I was starting to really suspect C of playing foul so I regretfully made the decision to log into her Facebook and read her messages. I discovered that she had in fact kissed him back in the previous stated incident and has been telling him for a while that she loves him.

Upon confronting C with this she completely broke down in front of me and she ran to her toilet making herself sick. This was the first time C had done this around me. It was then that I realised she had fallen ill once again. I completely regret not being able to notice it sooner but we had both spent a lot of time apart due to holidays and exams/revision.

After persuading C to come out of the bathroom she confessed all to me. That she's not been eating well for a few weeks and again confessed that she didn't know why she'd done anything. I was the only one for her.

Under normal circumstances any guy would have walked away. I couldn't bring myself to. She begged me to stay, begged me to help her get through this and exclaimed how she couldn't go it alone. I still loved her, I still love her, I wasn't going to walk away from her.

This was because I realsed at that time that that whenever C gets ill, she seems to look for attention elsewhere. She seems to 'fall' for other guys. I know down right that she has no feelings for the guy because I could see it in her eyes. She seems to crave attention no matter how much I give her. No matter what I do and no matter what lengths I go to.

For the past few weeks its been the repeated story of she promises to help herself get better and will stop what she's doing. She'll stop looking for attention and stop all of the disloyalty. (Although I'd never blamed her for the later as I realised it must be due to her eating disorder).

That was until a few days ago. Since I can't be around to help her get through things at the moment (due to distance), I try and keep tabs on C's life in as many ways as possible. I've not been able to trust her since anything so I've regretfully been keeping a close on her Facebook and email. Just to make sure she is in fact sticking to her word of removing this guy from her life and thus helping herself get better.

However the other day via Facebook I learned that C attempted to cheat on me. She attempted to have sex with this guy when she went up to visit him. And she has been telling him fabricated stories of how she is in hospital, how I have been force feeding her, how I've been watching her eat and controlling her life.

I haven't spoken to C about this as I believe that it will only make things a lot worse. She's already had me read her Facebook once and I feel like the worst boyfriend in the world for ever doing it.

I'm at a lost end. I can't walk away from us because I can't leave her in the current state she is. I still love her but I can't kiss her, I can't look at her without the thought that she's tried to betray our physical bond and intimacy.

One half of me is fine and just wants to hold her until she becomes better again and the other can't continue.

I don't know how to feel, I don't know if this is typical of people suffering from anorexia. I don't know whether to walk away or stay. I'm really confused.

Am I right to want to leave? Should I leave? Is this all because of her anorexia or is it coincidental?

I really don't know what to do and think any more.

I've not been an angel myself by going behind her back to find out these things but if I hadn't I feel that she would have slipped further and further into this fabricated alternate reality that she was 'living' and telling the guy all about.

Please, any advice you can give me I would appreciate.

I just can't go on.

A