e-tharapy + pmdd

I was wondering what you all think of e-therapy? For those not familiar with the term, it means therapy through email or private instant messaging. I have been considering doing this, but am unsure if it would be helpful. I have PMDD (well, I'm pretty sure that is what is wrong with me) and for 2-3 weeks I am fine. I do well at work and at home, pursue my hobbies and interests, and have a good relationship with my DH. But for 1-2 weeks a month I feel as though I am losing my mind. I cannot stop ruminating, I dream all night long and wake up exhausted. I have started taking 5-HTP before bedtime this month, but it hasn't done anything yet. I normally take approx. 10 Midol a day for about a week (contains acetaminophen, pamabrom, and pyrlimanie maleate) to help with both physical and emotional symptoms, but it is becoming less and less effective even as a pain reliever. I am afraid I am becoming used to it, and have had to take more and more over the years. At work I cannot function and get the bare minimum done, but most of my time is spent surfing looking for boards that deal with depression, abuse or relationship problems or advice columns. I don't even participate in any of the boards, except this one, I just feel the need to read the stories. I criticize my DH but don't mean it or even remember it. I'm not able to keep the house tidy, and feel very down. Some months I have thoughts of death (although not suicidal), or become incredibly angry or depressed. Then just as it started, it will stop and I will be fine.

I don't experience any euphoria during my up time, but I am scared of what is happening to me. My father is schizo-affective, and his case worker who has known me since I was born gave me a clean bill of health (ie if I was schizophrenic it would have manifested by now). But I have been depressed since I was a child, have dealt with abuse and post-traumatic stress disorder due to war, etc. I feel as though the person that I truly am is not depressed, but a part of me is. It's hard to describe what I mean. During certain parts of my cycle the depressed part of me takes over.

Last night I think I experienced an anxiety attack, but I'm not really sure what it was. I couldn't sit still or breathe properly, I found comfort in rocking back and forth, and for a few seconds I think I experienced a halucination. DH was quite frightened by what was happening, as was I, and wondered if I was perhaps imitating what I saw my father do. I don't know whether he is right or wrong. In the past he has suggested that because things have gone very well in my life over a certian period of time, I am sabotaging things and creating problems that don't actually exist. Which is very true. I feel tremendous amounts of guilt when things go well, and when my DH is feeling close to me I will point out problems that I think we have. But of course only during my down weeks. I have been charting my behaviour over the last 6 months and there is a definite pattern between my hormones and my happiness and sanity.

The reason I wanted to begin e-therapy is because during the weeks that I am ok, I don't really feel the need to talk to someone. I do have many issues, but have been able to work through them before. I also cannot afford to see a psychotherapist once a week. But then during my down weeks I can't stop my mind from going in circles. I'm afraid that the only thing that can be done with e-therapy is rehashing what I'm feeling. I think that what I need are coping techniques, not an encouragement to ruminate.

This post is much more confusing than I intended, and I appologize for not being clearer. I just wish this didn't keep happening to me every month.