New Member

I've suffered from depression on and off since I was 13 (I am now 35) and have been self harming since my mid 20s having attempted suicide three times in my teens. I also have a social phobia which makes it almost impossible for me to talk to people. For the last couple of months I've been feeling very depressed and have been self harming almost daily because I can't cope with the emotional pain I'm feeling. I think part of the problem is the isolation I feel because of my social phobia. This started when I was at school when I was constantly shouted at by teachers because I couldn't answer in class when spoken to. I thought I was some kind of freak because no one else seemed to have difficulty talking the way I did.

When I went to college at 16 I started confiding in a female tutor (I am also female) by writing to her. She was very supportive and helped me to seek help through my doctor. I saw a child psychiatrist but she only seemed interested in treating my depression with medication and expected me to talk to her which I couldn't do. I became very close to my tutor and developed very strong feelings for her. I only felt happy when I was with her. She was the first person I felt really understood me and liked me for who I was. My feelings for her caused quite a lot of problems at college and I was kept away from her (not by her). I became more depressed and attempted suicide twice. I eventually had to leave and thought I would be able to get over my feelings for her. The trouble is I haven't seen her for 17 years but I still feel the same. I've written to her quite a lot over the years and she has replied a couple of times in the past but not for about 10 years. I lost touch with her for a while but last year found her again. I started writing to her again but she didn't reply. I know I should've left things alone but I can't stop thinking about her. About a month ago she wrote to my friend and asked her to stop me from writing and said I'd been stalking her. I felt ashamed and devastated that I'd made her feel that way. I love her and would never intentionally hurt her. I haven't contacted her since because I have to respect her feelings but I still can't get over my feelings for her. I feel that I have nothing to live for and other people would be better without me. I keep hitting myself to try to escape the distress I'm feeling although I know it doesn't solve anything and I only feel guilty and ashamed afterwards. I don't know what to do. I can't go to my doctor because I can't talk to him and I think I'll feel like this forever.