i think i'm pretty screwed... read please:):)

**Posts:** 1 · by **macabrise** » Sun Feb 01, 2004 5:06 pm

18, female, singapore.
greetings all. i've got quite an interesting predicament and i don't quite know how to classify it, but after some research online, i think my chief issue lies with society. i hope you'll take some time to read this rather lengthy description of what's wrong with me:P

i have like zilch social skills, am extremely conscious of how i behave/speak in public and my self-esteem is in the dumps, along with whatever i project to the public. i have found that i think too much, assume too much and cannot NOT take myself seriously, which might contribute to my being self conscious, and so my speeches/conversation/jokes comes across as weird and generally causes responses like '...' or 'uhh okay' . as you can probably tell, i try to please people alot, but i hate it, i hate it because it undermines my pride, and i have always had the need to be in control of my situation, so i'm sort of a contradictory mess.

i find that i don't share much in common with my schoolmates. their interests are boring and apart from school we don't share much of anything at all, i admit that i don't adapt very well to people, heh you'd call me stubborn. i'm not humorous either. it's a proven fact. i think it's because i don't relax and let up, but THAT's because i don't know how to!

by nature, i'm not a touchie feelie person, that may be because of my pride (damn... i hate my pride. it's causing me so much pain), so i may appear stand offish. sometimes i think i'm socially detached, i can go for days without speaking, or feeling the need to speak to people, partly because i fear the humiliating contact and partly because i just don't need to. yess... i'm quite goal oriented...

as for people, i don't like them for hypocritical reasons. i dislike people because most of them are fakes. their loyalties lie with the dominant majority and they get influenced even though they might say they aren't, when it suits them, they change in accordance to the situation, with no regard to promises made. but then i think about how people are meant to be like that, i mean, for god's sake, it's a dog eat dog world out there, and it's only natural to do stuff to get ahead... so yeah, i'm of two minds about this and as a result, am quite messed up...

sometimes, i try to fit in (i'm quite ashamed about that), i got lonely on the fringe... i try. i smile, i laugh along, i hug, i conversed in THE lingo, but it doesn't feel right! i feel uncomfortable doing it! is that normal? do most people feel that way too?

i'm not sensitive at all, i can realise when a person is upset generally but i don't really know how to react in social situations like arguements and stuff...

i'm judgemental; even though i try not to be. i haven't good-will towards those of lower stature than myself and i frequently snub them. i'm a damned social ladder climber, the only outstanding difference is that i'm always on the bottom rung...

i can't feel either. when someone smiles or cries over something, like a hurt baby(btw babies annoy me), i can't empathise much. maybe i'm so locked up that my emotions are lost or something... i don't know... but funny thing is, i'm able to cry for fictional characters...

so i just hide myself away under this facade of indifference to mask my insecurity (if you remember, i hate losing control). but what scares me is, i don't know if i'm really hiding or it's REALLY detachment i'm feeling. i feel like i might just go mad...

as a result, i'm often quiet, shy even, with occasional bouts of craziness with closer friends. but i know i'm not supposed to be like that. i'm an escapist, a coward... i know that, i want to read a book and disappear inside the pages forever, i want to sleep and never see the light of day. i hate myself because of that, i hate being a coward, so yeah, i'm an unfeeling, cowardly, disgusting...sometimes i think i hide myself because if i showed my true self (whatever that may be), i wouldn't even have friends... but that's sad because i already DON'T have much friends, which kind of implies that my true self is suckier than i thought it was... bleh.

what do people do to get along socially? it all seems so effortless....

the problem is, i'm trying to dig out everything that i've hidden away for the past 8 or 9 years, but they stay hidden... serial killers should hire me to hide their bodies...

one last note, i'm confident about my views, i've no problem making a stand, it's just the social aspect that's getting me down:P

arrghh.... sometimes i think i'm a psychopath. heh. i am so damn antisocial as well... truly, i have thought about it and realised i have nothing of worth to contribute to society. nothing at all... i've got a juvenile delinquent record, i disappoint my parents a whole lot, and i just use up food and clothes and oxygen and hell, even online space like this one... i have considered suicide but i know i won't do it because i'm too fraidy cat... so yeah. i think i'm looking for pity but i'm not sure... maybe i'm not. argh. whatever... thanks in advance for any advice. it felt good(and bad) to write my problems down. oh if you have any questions or comments, do ask me about it, cos i haven't written down all my problems, just the major ones. and much apologies for the disorganised mess this entry is in...

song playing: play dead--bjork

**Posts:** 1 · by **hide** » Tue Feb 10, 2004 4:08 am

Then.. damn.. that would mean I'm really screwed up... I've been going through the exact same thing... and I'm 7 years older. Jeeez.. when I was your age I couldn't even put into words what I was feeling. What to do about it?...hmmm.. I did seem to find myself when I went away to college. I got away from anyone I knew from school and just pretty much started over again. Not a big deal to me since I didn't have any friends... sad huh... I felt that it'd be easier to break out of the shell if I went somewhere where nobody knew me. I felt that people expected me to be quiet, shy, secluded, etc. because I've been like that for soo long...it'd be weird if all of sudden I just wasn't like that. It became who I was... What I realized was that it was a part of me but it didn't have to define me. It's like if you step into a room and people saw you for the first time how would they think of you?... Do you let that first impression define your whole personality? You're still young and there are a whole lot of people in this world to make an impression on. Just be yourself... if you can't connect with the people around you now don't worry, you'll have a lot of chances... just don't be scared to make that first step...

**Posts:** 35 · by **Donna** » Tue Feb 10, 2004 1:26 pm

ok now i feel im also screwed up, lol

i suffer from a lot of the same feelings as you do, you feel that people are not interested in what you have to say so why bother to say anything, i can go for days without saying anything to anyone also, unless its an answer about something they have asked.

But hey you are not screwed up, this is you, and if people dont like you for who you are thats their problem

as for self esteem have you thought about doing a course to try and build on this, dont know if they help but they cant make things any worse really.

im also not a touchie feelie person and can come across as very stuck up and stand offish at times, when i first started university soem people thought this about me but then i got to know them and they got to know me and things changed and i have some brilliant friends now that i will have for life, maybe you should look at joining a group or club with people who share similar interests to you, i enjoy painting and am considering joinging an art society or painting class just to do something i enjoy and hopefully meet like minded people at the same time.

**Posts:** 3 · by **Bliss** » Mon Mar 08, 2004 11:22 am

Don`t be so hard on yourself! We have all had toughts like that, atlist I hope orelse I am in bigger trouble than I thought. The thing to remember is that when you are happy the trivial stuff is fun and okay. If you feel like this all the time maybe you should considder talking to a doktor. I know that when I get thoughts like that, I am usually pretty down.
Don`t be so hard on your self!!!!!!!!!

senserely Bliss

i think i'm pretty screwed... read please:):)

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