Bulimia?

RidiculousRoses wrote:So for a while I have had a huge problem with food. Precisely a year and a half now? Well, I suppose ever since I've moved into my father's home. I was thirteen at the time and it didn't progress into anorexia until late fall. I was eating around a thousand calories a day and eventually got down to 108 lbs. before my parents forced me to eat regularly again, thus preventing me from losing anymore weight. Afterwards, I would try to eat as little as possible in the day and purge my dinner later at night while I took a shower. Fast forward to today, my parents have learned all my tricks and I still manage to work my way around their hawk-like eyes. Now, purging has become the only way out, and has gotten to the point of addiction. Every meal I eat, I purge. The worst about this is that I am a cross-country runner and I feel as if it is holding me back, what with the heart issues and lack of nutrition, a side-effect to purging relentless amount of times.
I remember distinctly the day that I found I had an issue with this. It was my fourteenth birthday and I had gone away to the east coast for my eighth grade DC trip. I was excited about the freedom of binging and purging all I wanted. For my birthday, all of us went to a pizza joint and I managed to eat seven slices of pizza. Later that night, I was taking a shower and sobbed quietly to avoid my room mates hearing the sound of my cries and splashing of toilet water.
So fast forward to today, I'm quite bone-like and I suppose kind of thin? Actually, I'm thinner than I was when I was 108 lbs, although I weigh roughly 114. I have actually experienced weight gain in muscle mass from cross country, which doesn't do much good to my insecurity. But cross country coupled with bulimia basically ends me up with malnutrition and hunger. Now, I'm not sure how I'm going to break this cycle or if it's even possible. I'm currently going to a therapist right now, but isn't doing much good, seeing as how everything she tells me I already know.
"Food is not your enemy, Raven. It's your friend," or "People who eat breakfast actually lose weight!" And my favorite, "Bulimia can effect your heart and blood pressure, and is a serious issue that can lead to hospitalization or even death."
Yes, I know it's a serious issue. I know it isn't healthy. I know I can die. Do you think it's fun for me either? Do you think I do this just because I wanna be "Omg pro-mia 4 lyfe guise"? No. It disgusts me that people are even pro-ana or mia. It's degrading to others like me who actually have a serious issue and want things to be set straight and want a way out of it. It's hard and I feel like nobody understands.
It's so hard...