I've written about social relationships before on this forum (viewtopic.php?t=106149&p=889133#p889133) and the replies were very helpful. This post is sort of an update of that.
I was reading a book in which one character assesses another, saying something along the lines of "Maybe it wasn't what happened to you when you were younger, all the crap that went down; maybe it was just you." I've been trying to be more open to what / whoever comes along, not judge, just go with the flow. A friend I know through sports -- we hang out now and then -- made a suggestion the other week that we go see a film the day following the one we spoke; he was quite concrete, said he'd text me when he was done his other, early obligations. Never called/texted. Yesterday, I'm looking on FB and there he is, with a group of other guys I know quite well, out an event; and I'm thinking, How come I didn't know about this? Why wasn't I asked to come along? Another friend who moved into a new place gave me the ol' I-want-to-have-you-over-for-dinner spiel, and I took it with a grain of salt -- save that he said this three times over the course of a month. Nothing happened.
Without being too hard on myself I'm thinking, you know, maybe it's just me. Maybe there are qualities I have that are simply off-putting. Maybe I'm just one of those people who, try as they may, just don't fit or make the cut. I dunno. It's hard not to drift into self-pity and then self-righteousness and blame. But I'm just tired of trying.
Yes, I've done all the "do" things. I used to see a therapist (who I've taken up seeing again, but only once a month, a kind of check-in) and I know I've changed a good deal over the last decade, trying to focus more outwardly, be less rigid, lower expectations, not think always of outcomes. Sometimes I wonder that in this tech-based world in which we now live it's easier to regard people as "consumables," things we can take or leave at the drop of a hat (or text) and not think too much of it. (I'm probably guilty of same.)
Anyway, I'm just trying to get through things. And so I thought, well, if it is just me then I need to understand that and adjust the way I live accordingly. Sometimes I'm heartbroken; sometimes I feel as though I'm holding my breath and thinking that if I can hold it long enough all of this will go away.
Cal