Transference

I have all of my dad's family on my facebook account so we have gotten to know a little bit about each other. Can't wait till I can visit them often!

8)

As for a relationship, I haven't had very good luck.

That can change with a boost in self-esteem, which sounds as if it needs a bit of work. There are people entering and leaving relationships at all ages, and older men are often much more 'lost' without a Significant Other than women are. Wrinkles and weight gain are irrelevant really. A happy face with a bit of sparkle in the eyes is more attractive than a scared one, at any age.

Plenty of men, especially those mature enough not to be swayed by fashion advertising, prefer curves to bones. That being said, controlled weight loss gets rid of the bad stuff first, ie. the accumulated toxins that manifest in lumps and bumps of cellulite. So a short-term diet makes you look and feel better, and provides an instant boost to self-esteem.

We don't want good feelings about ourselves to be based chiefly on appearance, though; that's for the teens and 20-somethings. How you look is not what you have to offer a man. As older women we've ceased to be adornments and ego-boosters (aren't you glad?) and started to be observers, humourists, comforters and companions. Even a young man eventually gets fed up with the beautiful girl who's got nothing to say and doesn't understand him. What you've got to offer a man is your patience, kindness, company... to say nothing of those domestic skills that you're undervaluing now. Quite right that you knocked back that "older man" on line who wanted to enjoy the comforts of your home, raid your chili supplies and no doubt get his hands all over you, too! (even though it was me). We're looking for someone who values primarily who you are and secondarily what you can do for him. Naturally you have to appreciate who he is and what he offers, too.

Let's go back to the beginning and consider the therapist who meant so much to you. Was it his looks that drew you to him, or the way he listened and understood you? Would he have been a lesser man if he'd had a face like a walnut, a bit of flab and a gap in his smile?

By the way, a missing tooth isn't a big deal to an observer but it's a social handicap to the observed if it stops her smiling in public. I hope you won't be shocked at the next bit, because all chosen relationships are trade-offs, even if it's never made explicit. What if there were a man out there who's financially stable but lacks the feminine touch in his home life? I assure you there are lots of them, and the right one will be happy to stump up for a new fang.

companionship would be fantastic, but I don't think it's in the cards for me.

If this is what you truly believe, you'll be avoiding eye contact, not showing interest, and generally giving off "stay away" vibes.

I suspect it's more a case of consulting history and seeing that you made two 'bad' choices, then your marriages were more trouble than they were worth. I'll go out on a limb here and suggest that on your wedding days you knew Hub 1 was using you and Hub 2 was a pervert, but that you overrode your feelings because you believed you couldn't do better.

This brings us back to self-esteem and relational difficulties, which I'm betting is why you were in therapy. There's a lot of work you can do on self-esteem by yourself if you have the will, although both issues are better addressed in company. If you believe you have nothing to offer and other people will always let you down, two things happen:
~ You start actively avoiding people
~ When you're with others, they confirm your beliefs

One of my dreams is to get a van and live in it and travel from town to town

That appeals to me too, but you'll have to do the driving, the cooking and the cleaning. I don't want to get physical with you, either.

Seriously, if you can afford a van and the gas to make it go, this could be a brilliant, life-altering adventure for you and that wayward son of yours. Just a thought.

tiredoftransference wrote:Hello I am new here and am hoping to find a solution to a problem I am having after having been out of therapy for 3 years. I still miss my therapist every day. I think of him daily and miss him so much. It is not a romantic kind of thing, more like grieving the death of a loved one. Please I need to know how to get past this misery.

Hello tiredoftranferance

It's clear that struggling with this -

Can I ask why you have not contacted him to say hello?

I'm still in contact with clients I counselled more than 10 years ago. Not constantly but as it so often happens there are clients you work with ..and also get along with very well.
I certainly don't have any objections to them keeping in touch. Is there a reason why you believe you should not have stayed in touch with your therapist?

Well since I can't figure out how to do the quote thingy, I'll talk to you both!

Candid: Your suggestions about maybe there being a man with financial stability willing to exchange some femininity is very appealing but I'm afraid not very viable.

I really have stopped considering relationships a long time ago and I think I'm doing ok without all that trouble.

I do smile at people still, just with my mouth closed. I guess I could start praying that God send me one of those financially stable men.

As for what I miss about my therapist is his non-judgemental ways and his compassion and I guess he wasn't hard to look at either, but the latter is not the biggest reason at all

I think my son would love to travel with me in a van, if it weren't for this girl he is attatched to. They are never apart, even for a minute, and this has been going on for more than a year. So, we'll just see what happens and I will keep praying for God's plan to come to life in my life.

Ella: Actually I do email or text him once in awhile. My son still goes to him so I talk to him every once in a while about him. But I still miss him terribly

tiredoftransference wrote:
Ella: Actually I do email or text him once in awhile. My son still goes to him so I talk to him every once in a while about him. But I still miss him terribly

Yes I believe the transference you speak of occurred due to an 'unresolved conflict' between yourself and very likely a Parental figure.
You may well have made some headway while you were in treatment with your therapist. However from what you say in your original post - and then go on to mention.. I believe as far as any progress is concerned, you have only just begun to scratch the surface.

My recommendation would be further therapy in particular 'Psychoanalysis' focusing on 'unresolved conflicts' with a relative.
These conflicts will need to be studied 'in depth' and then finally put to rest.

When this is done - I am certain the feelings you have for this therapist will change - Although it's unlikely they will dissipate. What will happen is that you will view the relationship you had with him from a healthier prospective.
Has a whole your attitude to relationships of any other kind ought to change in a much more beneficial and positive way.

Well my therapist is the only one around here that actually does psychoanalysis, as we are in a small town and the others are goal oriented. Like 6 weeks of therapy or something like that". I can't afford to see my therapist anymore either. I guess I'm wondering if there are some kind of mind exercises I could do to try and lessen the thoughts I have of him. Sound crazy?

I guess I'm wondering if there are some kind of mind exercises I could do to try and lessen the thoughts I have of him. Sound crazy?

Not at all. The best mind exercises are those that boost self-esteem and give you hope of a much better future. How would you like your future to be? What kind of people would be in it? Where would you go, what clothes would you wear? Would you be driving around the country or have a permanent home? I'm sure you'd have some spare cash. Would you take up some kind of work that gives you satisfaction? Would you like to study, play a regular game of some kind, or take up a new hobby?

I'm under the impression life has got a bit samey, chiefly from lack of confidence. We need a list of goals, lots of small ones that can be accomplished reasonably easily, and a few bigger dreams that look impossible now. Fantasise about the things you'd like, pretend you have them now. What would you be doing differently? What do you need, or need to know, to start making some of them happen?

I'm sorry you've been directed back to think of renewed contact with your former therapist. The American Psychological Association (as well as BACP and APS, the relevant governing bodies in the UK and Australia) explicitly warn against therapists and counsellors carrying on a 'friendship' either while therapy is in progress or after it's terminated, and for very good reasons. The boundaries your therapist set are for client benefit, and simply mean he's sticking to the APA Code of Ethics & Practice.

So what we need to do is think of what you got from seeing him, and see how you can get it elsewhere. From what you've said, he may well have been the first person who truly listened to you and made you feel understood. You've also said you'd like an intimate partner but don't think you can have one, partly because you've had some bad experiences and partly because you're older now.

If you look under the blue tab Self Help at the top of your screen you'll find information about self-esteem. It's the number one most important asset anyone can have. It stops people choosing bad eggs as friends and lovers and makes them more attractive, at any age.

Best thing you could do now would be to work on the way you feel about yourself and the way you envision the rest of your life. The benefits of that kick in as soon as you get started. There are often free courses in self-esteem that you might be able to access, and, of course, dozens of books on the subject.

tiredoftransference wrote: I guess I'm wondering if there are some kind of mind exercises I could do to try and lessen the thoughts I have of him.

Not exactly -
has I explained a post or so back, when you began therapy you had ..and by all accounts still have - underlying issues, likely due to unresolved conflict with a relative.

Whether you have recognised this or not - this is very likely the case. Now until these old conflicts are dealt with. Your thoughts and feelings about 'him' are unlikely to be fully understood and worked through unless you challenge what caused them in the first place.

It pays to understand this isn't actually about your therapist ..although we acknowledge is the catalyst. This is about you and what has been going wrong in your life - and personal relationships.

Of course there will always be various things which you can try to boost your self esteem. But these efforts will not solve your problem.

Trying to repair your self -esteem without actually dealing with this conflict. Well its like sticking a 3inch plaster on a 6inch wound. The plaster maybe on there but doesn't actually treat the wound or even cover it.

Its best to have wounds treated proper ..and then start afresh.

Also please to not view the contact with your therapist as being unprofessional - because it is not. There is a huge difference between "contact" and "friendship"

They are both circumstances which are a world apart ..and nothing at all like the same.
Going shopping together, having meals, long cosy chats, and a regular trip to a wine bar or cinema = friendship.

However an occasional Email, or a Christmas card once a year = contact.

Which if allowed and handled appropriately by the therapist ..is fine - and the good news is your former therapist appears to be handling your contact with him appropriately.

In fact - if the therapist happens to be a private practioner they could find easily and very often find themselves without work by dis-allowing further contact.

Once they had successfully treated a Client - its highly likely the same client would wish to enter into further treatment with the Counsellor, should another issue or crisis occur in their lives. This is to be expected.

Now lets look the practicalities of your beginning therapy again with this particular counsellor?

If at all possible - My Suggestion would be to Certainly continue therapy with him. Reasons being -

1. he successfully brought to the surface buried feelings - which are connected to your conflicts & as such the source of what inhibits you in life.

2.he has your trust.

Both of the above markers indicate that with the right treatment a client will very likely achieve a break through and then of course treatment will be a success.

But having acknowledged these markers - I reiterate " if at all possible" because I don't know the full case. Nor all of detail from your therapists point of view. Or even if he is appropriately trained.

Which of course to be absolutely right about the above option - this information is crucial.

You have mentioned a lack of finance as being the barrier toward your accessing further treatment, a couple of things you could consider are -

*Arranging further treatment on a payment plan possibly with this counsellor or another - which suits you both.

* Another alternative which came to mind when you mentioned " Mind Exercise's"
was for you to look into some form of 'Co- Counselling'

I know this doesn't equal the same as an 'in depth Psychoanalysis' But you could go some way toward a clearer understanding of the conflicts you are carrying within.
Co - Counselling is very often free - or available at a low cost. I appreciate you live in a small town. But as you do have counsellors there - it may be the case that they could point you in the right direction.

I believe there are on line co-counselling groups also.

What is co-counseling?

tiredoftransference wrote:What is co-counseling?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Co-counselling

this webpage is fairly concise .. hope it helps