depression caused by other people?

**Posts:** 3 · by **normalperson** » Tue Feb 20, 2018 1:33 pm

Is this normal?

I've been struggling with depression for many years & when I analysed what triggers it recently, it seems from history to be always as a direct result of other people. (as opposed to just randomly feeling depressed.)

For example, I might be making new friends at one point in my life & some of them would take an intense disliking to me for no apparent reason. :oops:

Even my partner would comment on the situation & say how weird it is that the person(s) in question took such intense dislike to my personality. :cry:

A couple of years ago, a friend of mine confronted one of these people & asked her what made her dislike me so intensely.. my friend actually told me how weird it was he couldn't get a straight answer out of her. He knew her very well but he'd never seen her react that way before. Of course he tried to defend me, explaining to her that I'm one of the nicest people he knows- but she wouldn't hear any of it. It feels so personal & makes you second guess yourself.

I've had events like the above throughout my life. I've asked people to be brutally honest with me & explain if there's something I say or do that causes this, but people who like me are genuinely confounded by it & the ones who don't like me seem equally confounded by their feelings. I seem to cause extreme reactions in people; they either love me intensely (1%), can't be bothered with me (60%) or hate me (40%)). It's so tiring.

About 10 years ago I realised that when I work out at the gym, my face gets a slightly chiselled look & people really react well to me. It was such a relief to escape all the negativity! I was exactly the same person, I just looked a bit different. However, I ended up with a crisis & a big health problem at the same time & I can't get to that point anymore.

At the moment, I've just come out of a crisis in my life, I'm alone after years of trying to recover from suffering a loss emotionally, physically & financially. I have no friends in the world & my family isn't there for me. I'm now in a position once again where I need to start from scratch making new friends.

Since I had no support network most of my life, I like to have friends I consider my own family. I have a new partner now & he is someone who instantly liked me. He doesn't understand why I get these kinds of reactions from so many people- even though he has witnessed it himself, e.g. when I have no facial expression, so many people will take offence at my face. :oops:

I get so upset internally, when people react negatively to me. It makes me want to give up on everything. Some of my very good friends once told me I have to be careful in life because even though I have nothing to my name, the shape of my face comes across as arrogant. They said when they first met me & saw my face, they thought I looked judgemental. After getting to know me they realised I'm the opposite & "one of the nicest if not the nicest person" & told me about how they misjudged me all those years ago.

I'm middle aged now and it seems with age, this problem is getting worse. I end up having to over-compensate for my "face shape" to avoid negative reactions from people, and end up having to be really over the top careful around people. I can't work out due to the health issue I have now & it seems I'm stuck with this likability issue again :cry:

I've tried not caring what anyone thinks & just going about my life as normal, but when you get such negative reactions from most of the people you meet, whether it be at shops or services, it does become a real problem.

Just last week, I was sitting on a bench with my partner & a stranger literally walked up to us & said how judgemental I look. He said he thinks I'm judging everyone. I almost started crying! My partner is bemused by all this & didn't know what to say. A passer-by I'd had a friendly conversation with a moment earlier, overheard it & came to my defence. Then the stranger just walked away.

Back to the present day, I've finally got a home again after years of virtual homelessness & sofa surfing. The irony is that I've worked since the age of 12, I have a huge student loan stuck on my name, and during the last 5 years, I lost my home, health & entire support network, everything went down hill & I yet I was still accused of being spoilt or arrogant by strangers. With no reasoning. So many people think I'm middle class or a millionaire, but in a negative way. They're all in disbelief when they realise the truth or how I really live. I cannot understand what makes them think this way, or why so many people judge others without talking to them.

I finally have my own roof over my head & am not a guest in someone else's space. My home is modest & isn't where I feel good but I'm trying to stay happy and make light of the situation.

However, this ongoing people problem is a real problem. I've reached a point where I don't think I can take much more & just want to hide away. Should I consider plastic surgery? How would I get the money for it? Why should I even have to?

I'm sorry this is such a long post, and thanks if you read this far. :oops:

**Posts:** 18 · by **forestcritter** » Tue Feb 20, 2018 6:27 pm

Hi there

I would like to say a couple things, first about obsession, and then about the thing you're obsessing about.

The first thing is the most important, which is the fact that you are obsessing about something to the point that it is causing you a serious amount of grief. Since you wrote on this forum it is obviously troubling you deeply. But the thing is, whether this phenomena that you are describing is real or not, doesn't really matter, because it is the obsession that is harming you. What I mean by this is that there are plenty of people who have divisive features about them, either physical or interpersonal, which make people respond in different ways to them, and most of them know this about themselves, but some obsess about it and it drives them crazy and some don't care at all about it.

I'll try and explain. So there are a couple physical features about myself that I am extremely self-conscious about which literally no one judges me for or has ever pointed out to me, but I am constantly aware of them and they bother me. Meanwhile I know a girl who has these same features which I personally hate on myself but I find them very sexy on her for some inexplicable reason (they aren't male/female related features). Then there are features about myself that I actually do get negative feedback about but I don't give two shits about. I also have friends who have divisive personalities. One in particular a good number of my friends don't like (but many do), because they think he is arrogant for some reason, which I never really got. One day I pressed them for answers and when they did describe what it was that made him seem arrogant, I was thinking to myself, huh, that stuff is a big part of why I like him. They weren't even arrogant related things, it's just stuff that made them think that way about him. But I doubt it bothers him because he is just a confident guy who follows his own path in life. It does kind of suck that these two sides don't always all want to hang out together with him, but it's not that big of a deal. It doesn't make him a bad person or means he deserves to feel bad. My point is that there are so many random variables in what a person is, or how they come off to whatever X type of person, that there's often nothing you can really do about it, and it doesn't mean you have to try and change who you are or even wonder if you're being mean because you probably aren't. You just have to not obsess about it and not make yourself miserable.

As for the actually thing you're experiencing. I am not sure if you have ever heard of the term 'resting b**** face' but it is very widely known on the internet and for most people is usually just something they charmingly laugh off because there's nothing they can do about it and it's just sort of funny, but again it's just one of life's little nuances that you don't have any control over nor should you want control over it. It's just a thing. It doesn't deserve to be obsessed about nor even given a second thought, assuming that is even what is happening. My girlfriend has the opposite problem, she has 'nice face' which makes every random weirdo who needs attention approach her in public and just start talking to her, and every single guy thinks she's interested in them, and every person who is looking for someone to 'step on' will step on her. If someone needs to cut in front of her in the line they'll do it in front of her. Waiters have ignored her, people will butt in front of her in lines. Who knows why, other than they just get a weird vibe from her like 'she's nice she won't do anything'. She has said she would love to have 'resting bitch face' rather than what she deals with. But she doesn't obsess about it.

The point is you can look at what you're experiencing in two ways. Either as something that emotionally cripples you and you consider to be a character flaw which is your fault and you deserve to feel bad about it (which is completely wrong), or you can take it as any other strange, sometimes amusing, nuance of life, and just accept it for what it is, and laugh at it sometimes, which is what anyone can do about anything in their life if they look at it the right way. There are people out there who are missing limbs, have permanent burn scars, whatever, I've known people who have these things, and they don't let it get in the way of enjoying life and being confident and free. So don't let something as silly as this destroy you.

**Posts:** 18 · by **forestcritter** » Tue Feb 20, 2018 6:34 pm

Also, if you can help it do not get plastic surgery. That is basically the ultimate surrender to the power of your obsession. You can love yourself, and to be happy you need to learn to do this. The issue you are experiencing is so far from being something that you should feel bad about and let control your life. Like for me, I wouldn't care at all if that's what I had to deal with, which is because it's just not something I'm sensitive about. Just like there are things I am sensitive about that you probably wouldn't be.

**Posts:** 3 · by **normalperson** » Tue Feb 20, 2018 7:11 pm

I really appreciate your reply, but perhaps I wasn't making myself clear on my first post. I'm not obsessed with this- I just don't want people to react badly to me in day to day life. If I'm obsessed it's only because there's so much negativity toward me from people. This isn't something I'm imagining- it's been confirmed by third parties, friends & family.

**Posts:** 18 · by **forestcritter** » Tue Feb 20, 2018 7:33 pm

When I say obsession, I mean, something that you think about which causes you negative feelings. You don't want people to have negative reactions to you because of your face or whatever you think triggers this, and the idea of this happening makes you feel bad. It's not unusual for someone in your circumstance to feel bad because of this, but what I'm saying is have you considered the possibility of working toward not caring, rather than trying to change whatever it is about yourself that makes people react that way?

Have you considered a possible reality where having some people think of this about you as not being something which makes you feel bad?

My point is that there are plenty of people in life who get negative feedback about a part of who they are, and it is not a cause for that person to feel bad. It comes down to whether you love yourself and are confident in who you are.

You don't need to feel bad about yourself and feel bad in general because a certain percentage of the population perceives you in a certain way, either negatively or positively. I assure you, you CAN change your mental state through therapy where you won't care about stuff like this. But you have to want that. If you honestly, genuinely, want to try and change whatever it is about yourself that makes some people react negatively to you for no reason, then you can try, but there might not be anything you can do about it, and if there is then you still might not be happy afterward. There is nothing wrong with self-improvement, but I can almost guarantee you, you won't be happy if you aren't also willing to aim for a state of mind where you aren't bothered by what is happening, rather than just changing what is happening.

**Posts:** 3 · by **normalperson** » Tue Feb 20, 2018 9:34 pm

It isn't the idea of it that makes me feel bad, it's people getting angry with me that makes me feel bad.. really.

I appreciate you mentioned your friend has the opposite problem (a friendly face) and that it makes people walk all over her. That comes from appearing weak. However, people walk all over me also- I think if your friend spent a day in my shoes, she'd really appreciate having the friendly face lol

I've tried for years to persuade myself I'm not bothered by it but it's unrealistic. I've had to move area more than once because of this issue. I received death threats as a child many years ago & my parents had to move me to a different school- which ended up the same. This really isn't an issue I can just "ignore" & manage to operate my life. More recently, I moved to a new City and my friends were afraid to walk outside with me because of all the negative attention I'd get in that City. They'd say "we didn't realise how bad the people are in this place until we walked down the street with you! How do you attract it?!" I'd get it everywhere- shops, homeless on the streets, strangers, taxi drivers.. etc. It's easy to say to ignore it, but in practise it would affect anyone.

**Posts:** 9885 · by **Candid** » Wed Feb 21, 2018 6:01 pm

normalperson wrote:I have no friends in the world & my family isn't there for me. I'm now in a position once again where I need to start from scratch making new friends.

Since I had no support network most of my life...

This sounds to me like Complex PTSD. Bewilderment over interpersonal relationships is just one of the symptoms.

See http://pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html#complexPTSD, and if the cap fits, go to http://www.outofthestorm.website/

I wish you all the best. You sound like a lovely person, to me.

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