cutting

Hi Brian,

That's a great question and we can make it more general and ask why do people carry on with any unwanted behaviours?

The reasons will probably be different for each person, but it's probably true that our behaviours, even the unwanted ones have a positive intention for us. It can be really useful once the behaviour and the intention are separated, because then it opens up the possibility of finding other behaviours that satisfy the intention.

For example a person might cut themselves (behaviour) to draw attention to themselves (intention), or to cut out the mental anguish they are feeling inside (intention).

Both intentions are desirable, and the question is then to find other behaviours that better satisfy the intention, and are not harmful.

The other factor is that we humans are creatures of habit, once we link a certain behaviour with a certain feeling we will tend to repeat it habitually. For example, many smokers say they have a cigarette to relax them, despite the fact that tobacco is a stimulant, but have linked cigarettes to taking time out and breathing in a relaxing way.

most of the people on the forum said that they were not doing it for attention, be it true or not. i understand the causes of habit, but how would cutting evoke satisfaction? how could someone become addicted to pain? is it because it takes their attention away from whatever's causing depression? ive gotten one reply and she said she tried music, drawing, and writing and they did help but it eventually wore off and they "weren't enough to keep me satisfied".

i think just talking to her might help because at the end it sounded like she wanted to let some things out.

Hi
I don´t cut anymore since some months but I´ve been a self-harmer too.Each case is different.In my case it was normally because of feeling guilty,I did something wrong and then I had the need to punish myself by cutting to kinda redeem my guilt. I also sometimes did it to keep myself from binge-eating,actually I started like that,every time I thought of eating I obliged myself to turn these thoughts into cutting.
Another reason to do it:it releases the pain inside.Physical pain is normally less strong than "soul-pain", when you focus just into physical pain,you forget (for a while) how bad you´re feeling inside,though,at the end of the day you feel worse for having done it(at least if you´re trying to get out from it).
Hope you understand now a bit better.
PM if you have questions.
take care.

I thought that was very clearly expressed, soulbound - it releases the pain inside, and almost distracts you from it. That fits in well with what Mike was saying about the behaviour having a "good intention". Then, if you find a way of satisfying the intention (even if it has downsides, like cutting), you may tend to continue with that, because it works. If you make attempts to stop the behaviour, without finding some other way to satisfy the intention, you may find it very difficult, or may find that you actually sabotage your own efforts!

There's two stages to getting out of this bind, as I see it. The first is to identify, by whatever means possible, other satisfactory ways of getting the intention satisfied. But knowing of a suitable alternative is not enough by itself. We have still to overcome the blinkered approach of the behaviour ("this works, so this is what I will do").

A good way to do this is to think of the behaviour as a "part" of the personality, with its own special role. We all have lots of parts which go to make up the totality of who we are. What seems a bit odd about us is that these parts seem to operate in isolation from each other - it's as if each part pursues its own "good intention" without any awareness of the conflicting intentions of other parts.

But with imagination (on your own, or with the help of a therapist), you can bring these parts to life as "characters" in your play, and introducethem to each other, and get them to explain to each other (and to you) what all the good intentions are.

Now, by definition every part has a good intention for the person. If they all know of each other's intentions, and agree that they want the good of the person, you can get a negotiation going whereby all the good intentions are creatively met, without them stepping on each other's toes!

The best role for the "person" in this scenario is to act as chair of the meeting, and keep them all in order! After all, they are there for your good!

It works!

Kathleen

i got a long reply from her. she has alot of family related problems. i offered my advice the best i could. i really think i can help her. she just needs someone she can confide in. her life seems to be filled with chaos. i definately appreciate any advice i can get and all the advice already given. i will try to keep you updated with problems or even (hopefully) progress. ok. bye for now

she said she's been thinking about suicide a lot. it may be because since its summer theres not much to occupy her with. she also said her stepdad turned off the computer for three days and she didn't eat for a whole day because she was depressed by it and she thought about swallowing pills. im not sure if shes just overreacting or its because she needs communication with people.

im not really sure what to tell her about the family problems. her dad drinks/does drugs/ hasn't seen them for four years, her stepdad is a control freak, her cousin (best friend) was raped and shes unable to see her, mothers always working/talks down about her music and abilities...theres just so much. the only thing i can say is just bear with it. she does have some adults she can talk to...teachers, friends parents. what should i tell her?

It sounds like your friend is in a pretty awful situation, and as you say, it does sound like she needs to be able to communicate with someone, which is one thing you can do for her - listen when she needs an ear - no small thing.

I would encourage her to speak to an adult she can trust - if she has no-one older within her family that she can rely on it will be greatly reassuring to know there is someone sensible to show her that not all adults are mad/bad.

soulbound's post earlier is a clear description of why someone might resort to cutting - this is often the sort of thing people who cut say, and kathleen's suggestions are good ones; you can bear these things in mind while you listen to your friend.

Best of luck

Roger