Some people exploit their depression!

I wasn't trying to make my reponse sound sarcastic, not at all as that is a form of humour and i dont find this to be laughed at.


Those two sentances are what I'm talking about. Is her therapist someone she likes/trusts? If not you shouldn't mention her, especially if you know that she doesn't like/trust the therapist.
She doesn't talk about her therapist at all, so im unsure of their relationship. All i know is, she is practically forced to go to these 'sessions' because shes been ordered to by her doctor, dont think she really wants to be there because shes told me she talks crap with her therapist just to get through the session.

How come you didn't really compliment at all? women appretiate compliments anytime. Compliments don't work with her because shes not use to hearing them, in the past when ive complimented her, its thrown everything out of sync cause shes never been use to it and acts as a barrier in communication between us because she doesnt know how to respond.

Also. You'd probably know better than me, but I think you should just tell her your real feelings as well. I've done this before and she threw it right back into my face. She kept asking me why i didnt get angry with her for wasting my time ect and why i cared so much.

Does your friend have much social contact? Hardly none at all, she dropped outta school and spends all of her hours locked up in the house watching films or reading books. Ive tried to get her out the house but she has a social phobia, told her the treatments avaliable for it..doesnt want to know. Shes just unresponsive and she wont get the help she needs unless shes willing to help herself.

Okay, stupid thought popped into my head, you've got three options, sympathy (she understandably hates that), agreeing with her (whilst she wouldn't get angry at you for doing that it would hurt her, alot), and then the third option, being pro-active about the whole thing, and you do that by... *drumroll* maybe showing her the depression learning path? I know it gets mentioned ALOT around this here parts, and I don't know if you'd considered it before, and I don't even know why it might help, but, the fact that you've gone out there and TRIED to understand might mean something to her (despite what she says, she might actually like you helping her, its just that if she pushes you away enough, she will no longer have to feel guilty about, say, killing herself).

Do you visit her much? I can totally understand her reluctance to socialise and fear of doing so, but because you're friends, maybe if you visit her with the learning path (and I know it gets suggested alot) then that might make her feel as if you're taking an active (or rather, pro-active) interest and genuinly are trying to help instead of giving sympathy. I don't know whether you could maybe print it off or give it to her on a floppy or whatever, but by giving her something physical that she can say 'hey, I might as well give it a read' and pick up (instead of a URL she can forget) as well as you going out of your way to visit her, maybe deep down she'd like that.

Good luck with this, and give yerself a pat on the back for being concerned!

Psyched: After reading your last post I feel pretty shure that your freind has problems with some core regulation skills. Like regularing her relationships or regulating her own emotional states.

Not knowing anything about her family background its hard to guess what kind of updringing she has had, but the fact that she dont like being complementet is perhaps significant: complements or praise will only feel good if it has been established that they mean that you are accepted for what you do and who you are. In invalidating inviroments it is often the case that praise is misused as a means to shift more responsibility towards the child in a situation where the child feels out of control and afraid of not being able to cope.
A lot of people with this kind of upbringing will not feel validated by complements because they fear subscribing to beleifs that wont hold up when they loose control the next time.
At the core of this is a tendency towards emotional vulnerabillity that makes them react with more pain than the average person to even smaller disapointmenthan AND a lack of core regulation skills that would keep them in control when in difficulties. The emotional vulnerabillity is like a psychological burn-wound that wont heal up, manking all touching painfull. The lack of regulation skills is making parts of her life like a nightmare that she cannot wake up from.
When this is the case you should expect pretty much the kind of reactions that you describe - i.e. the withdrawl, the "bad" reactions to compliments, her expectation of you getting angry with her and probably more.
The lack of sound regulation skills is often "helped" by self-destructive forms of coping like drug-abuse, disowning of emotions or self-injury. The often somewhat crude strategies emploid in lieu of effective social skills is what gets the person a reputation for being "manipulative" in some sense, i.e. "some people exploit their depression".
It is not an easy task to either keep a sound relationship with anyone suffering theese problem or indeed help. You might find that maintaining a powerballance in your relationship that fits her expectations is something that is helpfull.


You can find some more information in this FAQ:
http://www.behavioraltech.com/downloads/dbtFaq_Cons.pdf

@ Egor taking that around her house would be a bad idea, she doesn't like people coming to her house anymore which might have something to do with her family. I did ring her though and give her the website, best i could do given the circumstances.

@ tagfag I think you've got it spot on. I'm pretty sure she does hav problems with core regulation skills, she never got praised as a childand her family aren't supportive at all. I know they use to call her fat n stuff so its no wonder she has problems. She also had a drug/alcohol phase for about a year and self mutilates too so everything you've said is her. She told me on the fone she didn't want my help and so i cant do anything else, unfortunately.[/b]

It's weired, but there are some people that just simply like depression. Or better said they like the feeling of overpowering the depression.

Same with rain. You know how it feels really good when it's raining but you don't really care and just standing out there getting all wet and maybe running around even and having fun in the rain is actually quite satisfying.

And so there are these people that like rain, like darkness, like depression, like pain... They just like the feeling of overwopering these things and still living and enjoying it.