social anxiety\ fear of responses\ confidence roller coaster

hi my name is michael i'm 27 years old and i struggle with some self esteem\ confidence issues.
i always was some what shy, as a child we used to move a lot and i got bullied at school and by "friends".
i have a difficult father, he's quite abusive when he drinks, he's quite angry when he's sober, he has his own issues.
nowadays it's far better then it was when i was a child because nowadays his health maked him stop drinking so he barely does this and when he does then i can stand up to myself but the issues are already there.

i feel like most of my life i had this strange roller coaster confidence, there are times when i feel good and then there are those times when i feel down on myself. i know it's quite normal to feel down sometimes but i feel like my situation has more than that to it.
i always struggle to feel comfortable with myself around people i don't know very well.
if i have to go on some social gathering i'm feel awkward sometimes. it's the same way around girls.
all the time over and over i need to past this horrible phrase when i don't know her well enough. it so hard that i find myself avoid relationships and even avoid seeking for them.
from time to time when i drunk or high i'm getting in "the zone" and then i feel like i can act more freely but then i avoid her and people can sense that something is awkward about me so my guess is that they just think that i'm playing on them or something. i have no trouble to get attention from girls, luckily i'm good looking and i'm do seem like a confident guy most of the time. i can talk to people but i prefer to keep it to myself. i don't open up to people because i afraid of getting rejected.
i can't stand the thought that somebody will not like me, or if a girl will think that i'm something unattractive.
when someone DO think something bad about me it's really doesn't bother me too much but i still afraid of it to happen.
it seems like i NEED people to like me, and i NEED woman to want me. and it developed to social anciety.
i'm doing my best to help myself with self help books i just read them like one after another i'm obssessed by this goal of getting rid of those mental issues. i already know everything about CBT i do got myself out of depression and now i feel like i'm getting much better but still some times it just hits me after some failure at a social gathering or if a girl rejects me it gets me down pretty hard and it takes me time to recover. i really want it to end. i said to myself that its either i'm getting over those issues or i'll die. one of the two. i believe that i CAN happen but i need all the help i can get. please help me somehow.