Self-consciousness - how to break the habit

Shyness and social anxiety is not always in the mind, but may be in the body.

Please read:

Treatment of a Low Self-Esteem

Summary of Self-help Pyschotherapy

I'm 27 years old and I've sort of had a similar experience. I haven't had a girlfriend in years and I get really intimidated around women, it's as if the idea of sex makes me so uncomfortable that all I can do is joke about it to relieve the tension. As a result, I've been told numerous times by girls that I need to be more assertive, take control, blah blah blah.

Just out of curiosity, is it only attractive women that make you nervous, or all women? What is it about them that makes you nervous, is it the idea of being intimate with them, or are you afraid of saying something stupid? Do you have any friends who are girls and have you talked to them about this? I find that getting a girl's perspective sometimes helps to defuse the fear in a situation that makes you nervous. You begin to realize that we're all just people, and women have alot of the same insecurities as men.

I've had lots of issues like these in life. I'm mid 40's and have often been more troubled by verbal advice than helped by it.

Saying depressed people have problems committing to love relationships is like saying a kid who is drowning doesn't appear to want to swim. The depression is often their knowing they are finding things in life impossible to come to terms with - be it a job, family networks, meaningful friendships etc. which in turn leads to finding it difficult to come across a partner and present themselves as a viable 'other half' in the relationship. And if they ever come across someone they like they are highly unlikely to feel confident about saying ,

'Hi, I'm just me and this is all there is, what do you say we get together?'

And this holistic negation of what makes up many peoples reality often translates into a permanent underlying nervousness that no matter how well hidden, becomes magnified in certain situations, such as in social situations where there are lots of others with seemingly a better 'attachments' to discuss with any prospective partner. We do live in a materialist/ consumer / sexually advertised society and so all of these pressures build and weigh heavily against the confidence of any person feeling they fail in some of those areas. Furthermore such people can become entrenched in such a mindset and suffer social impotence as a result.
It's only ever when people regularly treat you in ways they treat other friends they have that will ever convince you everything is going as it should and that this is not a 'special show' because they feel sorry for you.

Guys have an extra problem because mostly women have an expectation of their behaviours, and if you've already failed in this regard it can feel like an impossible task to do what's expected of you - and you already know waiting for a female to make a move on you is a a non starter.

So I actually carried this sort of feeling around with me for ages - an inner feeling of reality which externally was invisible to all and which not a single person I knew ever was willing to talk through with me. It was a sorta problem like asking yourself what chance does a tramp of the street have of calling in at Oxfam, getting a change of clothes and a clean up, and then chatting to a woman, explaining his life situation, and her taking him as a genuine person whom she may fall in love with?

I've always carried this 'tramp' psychology around with me and I think mainly it's due to how I was treated when younger - like someone whose personal feelings don't matter, who should do as they are told and go where they are told and who should be thankful for it without offering an opinion.

This is an interesting topic

Explain extended sight and extended hearing. Thx.

being self centered would not guarantee fixing your issues on being self conscious. To simplify my answer, it's best to avoid thinking about ''you'' being nervous but rather focus on the conversation that is taking place and focus on the subject that is being talked about rather than focusing on you being nervous at all times.

Try some meditation, its very good for stress and won't cost you a thing, there is plenty of topics on the internet on meditaiton, but it does take some practice to do it well

Six years ago when I moved to Canada I was very afraid to talk to people because I thought my English is not good enough and I'll make a fool of myself.
When someone talked to me, I would answer with a soft voice and using very short statements, if I couldn't just give a yes or no answer.

I felt quite unhappy and didn't know how to overcome it. Then I found in a in a book an advice which helped me: initially I had to smile to 3 people per week, than to say "Hi!" to 3 people I haven't talked before and then I had to try to get rejected 3 times per week. The part with the rejections was quite hard to accomplish. I was going around smiling and saying "Hi! How are you?" and people were just smiling back and talking to me. Then I read some book about small talk and tried to apply those advices, and it got better. I even made some friends those days.

To tell you the truth, the main reason I am on this forum is to overcome my fear that I cannot write well in English. It takes me a lot of time to type a message because I am always rewording or checking my grammar, but I know I'll get better.

Do what you fear most. It is hard but the reward is worth it.