He's asking me over

tokeless wrote:

Candid wrote:As noted before, marriage is a better deal for them than it is for us.

Until it comes to divorce, then it flips alright. Maybe it's payback eh Candid?

That isn't such a gender divide as you might think. It's more about earning power. I got hugely ripped off at the end of my first marriage simply because I was the higher earner.

Obviously where there are offspring under 18 the primary caregiver needs a roof over their heads and the wherewithal to feed them with. Since the primary caregiver is almost always a woman, the man is required to cough up. After all, they're his children, too. He can go his way unencumbered while she's got her work cut out and a whopping hole in her CV.

Smart couples realise that if they want to fight over money and assets, the divorce court will get the bulk of it. So they negotiate and agree on what's fair.

Your divorce was a long time ago and it sounds like you felt ripped off. I was too, and because I'd married a ratbag there was no discussion; he just went to the bank while I was at work and emptied our joint account.

newlife2018 wrote:... and just make myself available in that way whenever he wants, even sabotaging my job at times

Well, as Louise said to Thelma, "you get what you settle for".

Greg is tall and handsome and he pays for everything, opens doors and even buys gifts. I guess I'll just let him pick on me. It;'s been going on three months now. 3 weeks is about as long as I have managed since 2015 so....

Congratulations. Three months is enough time for both of you to have a fair idea of what you're each getting.

How about telling him you feel picked on? Because from the sound of things he'll be shocked.

It isn't fair to wait until after marriage to tell him actually he isn't what you want and needs to mend his ways. That being said, I suspect you're always going to feel "picked on".

My experience was different to that. We both did the same jobs, earned the same money. We went to mediation to sort out the arrangement and assets and that's when I found out how stacked against fathers the system is. She got all the options and unless I 'compromised', the courts would ask for more. The assets we accumulated were split 70/30 even though it was from our home. She was offered the option to stay in the house, freezing my assets until our son was 18 or she moved someone in... he was 1 at the time. I asked how am I supposed to find another home with no assets and was told "She needs a home for your child more", which I agree with in principle but it still doesn't solve my problem. She could have claimed for spouse maintenance as well as child. I would always pay for my child, but was forced to take the 20 so she couldn't claim maintenance from me and come for my pension later on. Considering it's supposed to be a man's world, why would we create a system that allows the woman to take the lions share even when she was at fault for the divorce? So, yeah, I was bitter and maybe if the system didn't default to the woman, more men may stick around after so they can be dads too? The way she behaved afterwards with our son is something I will never forgive her for... long story but very painful and spiteful.

tokeless wrote:Considering it's supposed to be a man's world, why would we create a system that allows the woman to take the lions share even when she was at fault for the divorce?

Divorce is stacked in favour of the woman only if there's a child, and for obvious reasons. There are now whole websites and forums for men who've been robbed in this way.

My first husband was physically violent. He beat me up whenever he was in a bad mood, and he used weapons. I ran for my life on a Friday night while he was out, and he was at the bank closing the joint account first thing on the Monday. He got every penny, the bulk of it from a property I'd sold before I met him.

Fortunately I was young enough to start again. He got the divorce a few years later when he wanted to remarry. It was a long time before I knew about it, because he didn't know where I was and my biggest fear was him finding me. I considered myself lucky he didn't go after my parents or siblings.

Every divorced person has a story to tell, and I've heard women bragging that they got the lot.

I guess the moral of the story for both of us (and possibly for newlife2018) is to be careful who you marry! You and I had the courage to do it again, and both of us chose better the second time around.