As I start to write this, I'm unsure whether I'll actually post it. I feel so bad today and can't distinguish whether it's realistic to feel this way or whether I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
Yesterday was my birthday. When I got home last night, I logged on here and thought about posting a message - an anonymous kind of talking about what happened in the absence of anyone else to talk to.
For the last 7 years, being horribly depressed and on medication - or should that be being on medication and being horribly depressed as a result of that - my birthday has been crap. I pushed all my friends away years ago, and have lived reclusively seeing only my immediate family - who long ago got sick of hearing about my problems, so we never talked about "it" - my depression, just pretended everything was "normal". Did this largely by focusing on the kids - my brother and sister have one each, they are both solo parents and I am very close to, and involved with, both kids. I love them to bits and have found much joy in my favourite auntie role.
So that's been it for my birthdays - family dinner with brother, sister (they have had partners from time to time, but I haven't) and two kids. The fun has been in sharing it with the kids. Each year, however, during the day, I've broken my heart at the passing of yet another year, another year older and no change, life passing me by, etc etc. And each year, I've put on the bravest face for the dinner, and each year, there has actually been joy in it because of the kids.
This year was different. Being drug-free now for nearly 8 weeks, and although struggling with fairly exhausting physical withdrawal effects and discomfort, I felt pretty good. Far and away the most relaxed in years. Casually relaxed about what I saw as a birthday that would mark both an end - to the depression-style - and a beginning - my new life, the new me.
My sister has been in a relationship for nearly two years with a great guy, last year he was part of my birthday. Unfortunately, their relationship had become rocky and about four weeks ago, things reached a head and he signaled the end. It's been back and forward since then, and my sister has been a mess. Everyday, I have provided on-going support for her - long, exhausting hours on the phone, practical help looking after my nephew (not hard!) and financial help. Last week, I started gently saying to her how much I was looking forward to this birthday, after so many years of feeling like, or wishing for, death on the day and that I hoped we'd have a good time - just for the three or so hours we'd be together for dinner.
Yesterday during the day was good for me, I got some post and some phone calls and I stayed relaxed and calm and positive, with no effort. The evening started out OK, I paid for dinner at a local restaurant for all of us, then we went back to my brother's for coffee and cake (which my sister had made for me) and presents. The kids were excited, which is always the best fun for me. However, my sister began by ringing her home phone and checking her messages - I don't know what she listened to, she didn't say. Then we had presents, which were lovely, but she kept getting up and going to the bathroom - three times in twenty minutes so we were constantly waiting (I guess this all sounds just so pathetic from me ...). The cake sat in the kitchen (unseen by me) and I started to feel more and more awkward - more like recent-past birthdays. Eventually I went to the bathroom to ask her what the problem was and she just lost it totally - screamed at me for interrupting her, screamed at me for my lack of respect for her etc etc. Said she may as well leave, I asked her not to spoil it, she went into the kitchen, said re the cake "let's get this over with", I changed my mind and said don't bother, my niece was crying by then, my sister was shouting, saying she'd done nothing wrong - ask my brother, HE didn't think she'd done anything wrong (I didn't ask ...). She took my bewildered little nephew and stormed off into the night.
I comforted my niece, saying that I was sorry, that it was always ugly when people fight (I should mention in passing that there was no alcohol involved, even though it sounds like one of those family dramas after a few drinks, but not the case here). Then I gathered up my presents and thanked my brother - who said "you'll have to take the cake, it's not ours" ... and I said "put it in the bin, I don't want it" and left.
I drove home, numb, then unpacked my cards and presents and put them on the table and cried a lot, partly at the fact that I was crying when I had been so certain that this would be a birthday that would not involve tears and partly in sadness that it had been so ugly and partly that it was all in front of the kids and partly that I didn't get to have the cake and the kids to sing to me and help me blow out the candles (pathetic, huh?) and then I started to think - and haven't since stopping the medication - what's the point? Then I started to think the old suicide thoughts ... and then tried to focus on keeping myself safe, then laughed because I've never had the guts to do it before - another failing - so what would be different now?
Cried myself to sleep and again this morning. Tried to get rid of the anger by writing it down, to no great effect. Realised a significant positive - last night, I had anger but not rage. Both during our fight and after I got home. While on the Serzone, I would have experienced rage and acted on it - I would have ripped up her card, broken her presents to me. Didn't feel like that and am certain that's due to no longer taking the drug.
But now, I'm left feeling like sh** and no-one to talk to about it. Realised that not once have they (brother, sister) asked me how I'm doing, or offered any support or encouragement. They have been like "she's back to normal, good" and never mentioned it again.
I feel pathetic writing this - and I admit I do feel sorry for myself, my birthday was important to me. It's now lunchtime the following day and I haven't heard from either of them.
Realised - for the first time - that in this house, which I only moved into at Christmas, I have a garage where I could do the car-exhaust thing. Haven't had that ability before. I'm not going to kill myself - I don't want to die, they're old thoughts I guess, but I am left wondering how I rebuild a meaningful life. And why is it worth it?
Above all I guess, I am annoyed and disappointed that they will put what happened down to me being "demanding and difficult" like they have in the past. But I felt so different.
Thanks for reading, if you've stuck with it this far. Sorry for being so pathetic.
Juno
Pathetic or what?
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by Juno » Wed Jul 14, 2004 11:43 pm
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by egor » Thu Jul 15, 2004 12:34 am
Wow, I'm not going to be much use here, I just want to post to let you know a few things, I'm thinking with no-one to talk to it might be comforting to have people reply.
Anyway, I'd just like to say, it certainly is not pathetic, sounds to me as if you've had the worst seven years of your life and I know I'd certainly be tremendously looking forward to such a birthday, and for that to turn sour in so little time all because something was wrong with your sister (by the sounds of it), and you wanted to check on her, I think that was a nice thing to do and its such a shame it turned out like that. But, you've got to ask yourself, why was she angry? I think whatever was wrong she was looking for a release, and she must know this as much as you do, maybe because of this she would feel bad about calling?
I think starting afresh sounds like such a good idea, maybe to show that you're starting to put your depression in the past you could call her, instead of the other way round? I'm not suggesting you apologise for something you haven't done, but, I know exactly what its like to be on your own with thoughts of what other people think, it can be very painfull because you simply don't know what they're feeling so you naturally think the worst, am I right? I hope so, anyway. Maybe your sister will be suprised if you call, but I think most importantly she'll feel relieved, its only a suggestion, but it would show that there is a 'new you', not just to her, but to yourself, if you get my meaning.
I can't say why we 'bother' to continue to live, I'm having such similiar thoughts myself, but I think it would be a true tragedy to end your life on a low, it feels kinda like an unfinished novel to me, life that is. And it sounds to me as if you do ALOT for your family, where would your sister and nephew have been if it weren't for you? They may not realise it, but sounds to me as if you have quite a centralised and important place in the family, and I'd say thats quite a good thing in your life, and I'm sure you'll add to that with many more good things in your life.
Anyway, I'm talking b*****ks, I just want to say that I'm glad you posted that, stuff I could relate to, as sad as it is.
Again, sorry for being useless, hopefully someone else will be able to compensate with a better post
Anyway, I'd just like to say, it certainly is not pathetic, sounds to me as if you've had the worst seven years of your life and I know I'd certainly be tremendously looking forward to such a birthday, and for that to turn sour in so little time all because something was wrong with your sister (by the sounds of it), and you wanted to check on her, I think that was a nice thing to do and its such a shame it turned out like that. But, you've got to ask yourself, why was she angry? I think whatever was wrong she was looking for a release, and she must know this as much as you do, maybe because of this she would feel bad about calling?
I think starting afresh sounds like such a good idea, maybe to show that you're starting to put your depression in the past you could call her, instead of the other way round? I'm not suggesting you apologise for something you haven't done, but, I know exactly what its like to be on your own with thoughts of what other people think, it can be very painfull because you simply don't know what they're feeling so you naturally think the worst, am I right? I hope so, anyway. Maybe your sister will be suprised if you call, but I think most importantly she'll feel relieved, its only a suggestion, but it would show that there is a 'new you', not just to her, but to yourself, if you get my meaning.
I can't say why we 'bother' to continue to live, I'm having such similiar thoughts myself, but I think it would be a true tragedy to end your life on a low, it feels kinda like an unfinished novel to me, life that is. And it sounds to me as if you do ALOT for your family, where would your sister and nephew have been if it weren't for you? They may not realise it, but sounds to me as if you have quite a centralised and important place in the family, and I'd say thats quite a good thing in your life, and I'm sure you'll add to that with many more good things in your life.
Anyway, I'm talking b*****ks, I just want to say that I'm glad you posted that, stuff I could relate to, as sad as it is.
Again, sorry for being useless, hopefully someone else will be able to compensate with a better post
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by tasha » Thu Jul 15, 2004 3:38 am
Juno,
Where to begin ... it's funny but you never know who you influence and how. A few weeks ago there was a story in the paper about a man who drove 2-3 days from Newfoundland to a crowded beach in Toronto with a car packed with an unprecedented 6,000 rounds of ammunition, rifles and a machete. He planned to kill as many people as possible and be sent to prison for life, and no doubt he would have succeeded.
But he changed his mind at the very last minute. Why? A friendly dog came up to play with him and wouldn't leave him alone. At that moment, despite everything, he decided that life is worth living, for everyone.
About a month ago I logged on searching the net for an explanation to why I was feeling the way I was after tapering my dose of two antidepressants down to the final 25 mg of Serzone. On the net I found this forum, and you. You my friend were a light at the end of the tunnel. You were going through the same thing and assured me that no matter how scary and how bad it feels (and make no doubt about it, it is a hell I don't wish on anyone) that we must be positive.
My friend, you are an angel - much like that dog was to that man. Life is worth living. Sometimes we can't change how other people act and react (or their energies), but we can change how we do. Happy Birthday, you have accomplished one hell of a lot and should be proud. IF you need support, you can always find it in me and on this forum. This is your year - a new start, a new beginning, drug free. Congratulations and may all your wishes comes true.
xoxo Tash
Where to begin ... it's funny but you never know who you influence and how. A few weeks ago there was a story in the paper about a man who drove 2-3 days from Newfoundland to a crowded beach in Toronto with a car packed with an unprecedented 6,000 rounds of ammunition, rifles and a machete. He planned to kill as many people as possible and be sent to prison for life, and no doubt he would have succeeded.
But he changed his mind at the very last minute. Why? A friendly dog came up to play with him and wouldn't leave him alone. At that moment, despite everything, he decided that life is worth living, for everyone.
About a month ago I logged on searching the net for an explanation to why I was feeling the way I was after tapering my dose of two antidepressants down to the final 25 mg of Serzone. On the net I found this forum, and you. You my friend were a light at the end of the tunnel. You were going through the same thing and assured me that no matter how scary and how bad it feels (and make no doubt about it, it is a hell I don't wish on anyone) that we must be positive.
My friend, you are an angel - much like that dog was to that man. Life is worth living. Sometimes we can't change how other people act and react (or their energies), but we can change how we do. Happy Birthday, you have accomplished one hell of a lot and should be proud. IF you need support, you can always find it in me and on this forum. This is your year - a new start, a new beginning, drug free. Congratulations and may all your wishes comes true.
xoxo Tash
by tasha » Thu Jul 15, 2004 3:41 am
By the way, you can read an article on that dog here http://www.washtimes.com/upi-breaking/2 ... -5045r.htm
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by kfedouloff » Thu Jul 15, 2004 1:29 pm
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Juno!
Happy birthday to you!
egor and tasha are right Juno, and I am so sympathetic about how you feel - it's really like having your happy balloon deflated! Your sister seems to have been derailed by her own difficulties - it doesn't say anything about you!
But you clearly ARE so much better, and a little bit of relapsing here and there is a natural part of the progression to healing and wholeness.
Later on, when your niece and nephew are older, you'll be able to talk to them about your experience, and give them the benefit of what you have learned the hard way.
We're with you!
Kathleen
PS to egor stop putting down your postings, my friend!
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Juno!
Happy birthday to you!
egor and tasha are right Juno, and I am so sympathetic about how you feel - it's really like having your happy balloon deflated! Your sister seems to have been derailed by her own difficulties - it doesn't say anything about you!
But you clearly ARE so much better, and a little bit of relapsing here and there is a natural part of the progression to healing and wholeness.
Later on, when your niece and nephew are older, you'll be able to talk to them about your experience, and give them the benefit of what you have learned the hard way.
We're with you!
Kathleen
PS to egor stop putting down your postings, my friend!
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by Juno » Thu Jul 15, 2004 7:25 pm
Hi Kathleen
Thank you so much for the birthday wishes and the support. Yesterday - the day after my birthday - was just the pits. I cried all day, had all those bad feelings. Posting my message - and I guess that was my way of asking for support - was a brand new thing for me. Usually I just try to deal with stuff on my own and it's not that effective - too much time ruminating on the negative stuff! Last night the messages I received from Egor and and Tasha made all the difference. I didn't feel so alone.
It's the morning after now and I've just read your message Kathleen, again thank you.
Interestingly, in the post-med scenario, yesterday in the midst of such really uncontrollable sadness and crying (the birthday and its celebration were symbolic) I wondered if I would be tipped back into feeling depressed - and decided that such an event just wasn't big enough to do that, and resolved to do what I needed to, to ensure that that wasn't the case.
However, this morning - after a reasonable sleep! - it's all OK. Crying and overwhelming sadness gone, anger gone, moving on. There is no way on the planet that I would feel this OK if I was still taking the Serzone. As more time passes without taking the drug, it is becoming more and more clear - the Serzone must have been contributing hugely to how bad I used to feel.
So I wouldn't actually call what I went through a relapse as such - more (I think) an understable reaction to what was really awful (for me) followed by - OK, a relapse! - into negative thinking styles, regarding the suicide thoughts. But even then, there was a difference. I just sort of watched the thoughts come and go.
And a lot of my withdrawal symptoms have eased, too, so that's a great birthday present!
Thanks once again for the support - I don't usually ask and now I have learned the power of reaching out to like-minded people. I was embarrassed to do it, but it has helped so much! Thank you again.
Juno
Thank you so much for the birthday wishes and the support. Yesterday - the day after my birthday - was just the pits. I cried all day, had all those bad feelings. Posting my message - and I guess that was my way of asking for support - was a brand new thing for me. Usually I just try to deal with stuff on my own and it's not that effective - too much time ruminating on the negative stuff! Last night the messages I received from Egor and and Tasha made all the difference. I didn't feel so alone.
It's the morning after now and I've just read your message Kathleen, again thank you.
Interestingly, in the post-med scenario, yesterday in the midst of such really uncontrollable sadness and crying (the birthday and its celebration were symbolic) I wondered if I would be tipped back into feeling depressed - and decided that such an event just wasn't big enough to do that, and resolved to do what I needed to, to ensure that that wasn't the case.
However, this morning - after a reasonable sleep! - it's all OK. Crying and overwhelming sadness gone, anger gone, moving on. There is no way on the planet that I would feel this OK if I was still taking the Serzone. As more time passes without taking the drug, it is becoming more and more clear - the Serzone must have been contributing hugely to how bad I used to feel.
So I wouldn't actually call what I went through a relapse as such - more (I think) an understable reaction to what was really awful (for me) followed by - OK, a relapse! - into negative thinking styles, regarding the suicide thoughts. But even then, there was a difference. I just sort of watched the thoughts come and go.
And a lot of my withdrawal symptoms have eased, too, so that's a great birthday present!
Thanks once again for the support - I don't usually ask and now I have learned the power of reaching out to like-minded people. I was embarrassed to do it, but it has helped so much! Thank you again.
Juno
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by Juno » Thu Jul 15, 2004 7:53 pm
egor, your message to me yesterday was so kind. It arrived not long after I had posted, and I had been watching to see if anyone replied. Just the way you said that with no-one to talk to, I might feel comforted by some replies - that was EXACTLY how I felt.
I thought your advice was sound and I really appreciated it.
I read your post "can't remember feeling happy ... " and I want to say that from what I can see there is so much to like about you. You are obviously kind, sensitive to others, empathic, intelligent, thoughtful, very caring ... and you seem wise beyond your years. I hate to think of you feeling so worthless when it's just not the case.
I had my first suicide thoughts young, too. I planned exactly how I'd do it. I was about 11, and in the end I delayed it until after a Christmas party and by then, I guess, life had moved on. I have often wondered - and asked therapists etc - what makes an 11-yr-old think that way and is it normal etc. I was not a victim of abuse, at that point it was all fairly normal in my childhood ...
No-one has ever been able to give me an answer and I've never been able to find out "why". Up until quite recently, that bothered me. But I think I have to accept I'll never know why. Also, after years of therapy and much painful delving into the past, I wanted to know how come you could go over it all, see what happened or didn't happen, but not actually be able to "get rid" of it. It all still stayed inside.
Then someone gave me an analogy a while ago that I found fantastic. You are walking along the ridge of a mountain range. It's gorgeous, up near the sky, gentle breeze, sunshine etc. Down to one side, in the valley, is the quagmire of your deepest, darkest, ugliest thoughts - all the pain, all the hurt, the past - whatever crap we keep in our minds, it's all down there. We can slide down the side of the mountain into the quagmire if we want to, but we don't have to. We can visit it, if we want to, but we can get out again - back up to the freedom and fresh air on the ridge.
That helped me to accept that all the crap can remain but I don't have to go there!
I haven't thought anything you've written is b*****ks, by the way. Also by the way, do you read much? What things do you like to do?
Thank you again for your real kindness to me, it meant so much.
Juno
I thought your advice was sound and I really appreciated it.
I read your post "can't remember feeling happy ... " and I want to say that from what I can see there is so much to like about you. You are obviously kind, sensitive to others, empathic, intelligent, thoughtful, very caring ... and you seem wise beyond your years. I hate to think of you feeling so worthless when it's just not the case.
I had my first suicide thoughts young, too. I planned exactly how I'd do it. I was about 11, and in the end I delayed it until after a Christmas party and by then, I guess, life had moved on. I have often wondered - and asked therapists etc - what makes an 11-yr-old think that way and is it normal etc. I was not a victim of abuse, at that point it was all fairly normal in my childhood ...
No-one has ever been able to give me an answer and I've never been able to find out "why". Up until quite recently, that bothered me. But I think I have to accept I'll never know why. Also, after years of therapy and much painful delving into the past, I wanted to know how come you could go over it all, see what happened or didn't happen, but not actually be able to "get rid" of it. It all still stayed inside.
Then someone gave me an analogy a while ago that I found fantastic. You are walking along the ridge of a mountain range. It's gorgeous, up near the sky, gentle breeze, sunshine etc. Down to one side, in the valley, is the quagmire of your deepest, darkest, ugliest thoughts - all the pain, all the hurt, the past - whatever crap we keep in our minds, it's all down there. We can slide down the side of the mountain into the quagmire if we want to, but we don't have to. We can visit it, if we want to, but we can get out again - back up to the freedom and fresh air on the ridge.
That helped me to accept that all the crap can remain but I don't have to go there!
I haven't thought anything you've written is b*****ks, by the way. Also by the way, do you read much? What things do you like to do?
Thank you again for your real kindness to me, it meant so much.
Juno
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by theboydonut » Fri Jul 16, 2004 7:45 am
Juno
just to let you know ive got very little to be depressed about but often get incrediably depressed for what seems like no reason, but im beginning to understand the thought patterns that lead me there, thats the key i suppose one person can be terminally ill and remain positive why somebody who has their whole life infront of them can be suicidal, i suppose its about finding strength in what ever gives it to you.
Ive looked back at my life because when your depressed you give up the things you onced really enjoyed ive gone back to those things and having those activities round me has reminded me of the fun i once had and almost tricked me out of being down, they maybe stupid little things but if they are what u enjoy and even better get you meeting new people then all the better for it.
Depression in most cases (not all) is routine thats why it can be hard to break cause in some way its the comfort of the familar
good luck
just to let you know ive got very little to be depressed about but often get incrediably depressed for what seems like no reason, but im beginning to understand the thought patterns that lead me there, thats the key i suppose one person can be terminally ill and remain positive why somebody who has their whole life infront of them can be suicidal, i suppose its about finding strength in what ever gives it to you.
Ive looked back at my life because when your depressed you give up the things you onced really enjoyed ive gone back to those things and having those activities round me has reminded me of the fun i once had and almost tricked me out of being down, they maybe stupid little things but if they are what u enjoy and even better get you meeting new people then all the better for it.
Depression in most cases (not all) is routine thats why it can be hard to break cause in some way its the comfort of the familar
good luck
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by Juno » Fri Jul 16, 2004 8:10 am
theboydonut
(or hi boy donut?)
Thank you so much for your message. I know what you mean - I'm so aware of the terminally-ill-person-being-incredibly-positive scenario, but depression when it strikes badly takes no prisoners. I found being positive just beyond the scope of possibility.
Funnily enough, when mine was really bad - and it was for ages - I didn't feel guilty about "having so much to live for" and being depressed, it was my same family members (mentioned earlier re my birthday) who said "what have you got to be depressed about?" and "think of people with REAL problems".
Also, weirdly but kind of horribly, when I was really bad and suicidal - also for ages - and beating myself up for not having the guts to actually do it, failing again, I wished and wished that I could have an illness, a "real" one, and a stay in hospital. Maybe even terminal. I thought if that happened I'd get some attention and sympathy. Than last August, I had two malignant melanomas removed and my chances of being alive in 5 years' time reduced slightly. Then in Feb this year, I had major but not serious surgery, with 4 days in hospital and 4 weeks recovery with no driving at home. And I live alone.
And guess what? I got no sympathy or attention. It was a case of "there she goes again, being needy" and they ignored me.
And there I go again being negative, I guess. I still seem to have real problems distinguishing between "feeling sorry for myself" and feeling truly hurt. I think I feel really hurt right now. It sure feels real.
I think you're right. I need new people. And I think you're so right about it being a habit. I have no idea how I'm going to find the confidence to build the new life - it all seems so scary. And there is familiar "comfort" in sticking with what I know (have known in recent years), even though I hate it. Confused? I am ...
Thank you again for writing.
Juno
(or hi boy donut?)
Thank you so much for your message. I know what you mean - I'm so aware of the terminally-ill-person-being-incredibly-positive scenario, but depression when it strikes badly takes no prisoners. I found being positive just beyond the scope of possibility.
Funnily enough, when mine was really bad - and it was for ages - I didn't feel guilty about "having so much to live for" and being depressed, it was my same family members (mentioned earlier re my birthday) who said "what have you got to be depressed about?" and "think of people with REAL problems".
Also, weirdly but kind of horribly, when I was really bad and suicidal - also for ages - and beating myself up for not having the guts to actually do it, failing again, I wished and wished that I could have an illness, a "real" one, and a stay in hospital. Maybe even terminal. I thought if that happened I'd get some attention and sympathy. Than last August, I had two malignant melanomas removed and my chances of being alive in 5 years' time reduced slightly. Then in Feb this year, I had major but not serious surgery, with 4 days in hospital and 4 weeks recovery with no driving at home. And I live alone.
And guess what? I got no sympathy or attention. It was a case of "there she goes again, being needy" and they ignored me.
And there I go again being negative, I guess. I still seem to have real problems distinguishing between "feeling sorry for myself" and feeling truly hurt. I think I feel really hurt right now. It sure feels real.
I think you're right. I need new people. And I think you're so right about it being a habit. I have no idea how I'm going to find the confidence to build the new life - it all seems so scary. And there is familiar "comfort" in sticking with what I know (have known in recent years), even though I hate it. Confused? I am ...
Thank you again for writing.
Juno
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by EmmaL » Fri Jul 16, 2004 11:41 am
Hi Juno,
I just wanted to say that I think its not uncommon for families to be the least supportive people in this kind of situation. If there aren't many people you can talk to in your family, then at least you know you can always talk in this forum. Can I suggest joining some sort of acitivity or club where you will do something you enjoy and meet like minded people?
I also think you should treat yourself to make up for your birthday - buy yourself a present, or how about a pamper day in a health spa?
Anyway I wish you luck.
I just wanted to say that I think its not uncommon for families to be the least supportive people in this kind of situation. If there aren't many people you can talk to in your family, then at least you know you can always talk in this forum. Can I suggest joining some sort of acitivity or club where you will do something you enjoy and meet like minded people?
I also think you should treat yourself to make up for your birthday - buy yourself a present, or how about a pamper day in a health spa?
Anyway I wish you luck.
by Juno » Fri Jul 16, 2004 9:08 pm
Hi EmmaL
Thank you for your message. I think you must be right about families being least supportive - in my case, they don't see why they should be. And I've stayed stuck in the same trap for all of the last 7 years. Wanting more from them than they can give, and at the same time having contact only with them - because in the beginning they were the only people I felt safe with and felt I could trust. And that I could be honest with about what was going on - ie spiralling into the black hole, etc.
But it's not safe because they don't have my best interests at heart - and I can't trust them. I couldn't even trust my sister to give me the three hours I'd asked for (begged for, really) for my birthday dinner.
And it does feel like a trap - one of familiarity. I seem to keep going back for more of the same. I have to find the confidence to meet others. I'd love to be out doing something I enjoy with like-minded people. But where do I find the confidence to do it?
Have to make changes ... maybe just one small step at a time?
Thank you again.
Juno
PS Having said yesterday that I felt OK, sadness and anger gone etc - it hasn't been the case. It's still with me, just feeling awful - and worse, I've got to face them all again on Tuesday night as it is my niece's birthday and her family dinner - same people, same environment - and we'll be singing and watching her blow out the candles on her cake etc. All lovely, of course, and I'm heavily involved (doing the food etc) but I feel so raw at missing out myself - representative I guess of "missing out" on so much more and feeling basically unloved and un-cared about. And wondering - like always - if it's my fault. And even more worse - there's a very real chance that my sister's boyfriend will be there with her, having sorted out their difficulties - and all my support for her, and consequent exhaustion, and her stress and anger at me, and my ruined birthday - will mean nothing to anyone except me.
Thank you for your message. I think you must be right about families being least supportive - in my case, they don't see why they should be. And I've stayed stuck in the same trap for all of the last 7 years. Wanting more from them than they can give, and at the same time having contact only with them - because in the beginning they were the only people I felt safe with and felt I could trust. And that I could be honest with about what was going on - ie spiralling into the black hole, etc.
But it's not safe because they don't have my best interests at heart - and I can't trust them. I couldn't even trust my sister to give me the three hours I'd asked for (begged for, really) for my birthday dinner.
And it does feel like a trap - one of familiarity. I seem to keep going back for more of the same. I have to find the confidence to meet others. I'd love to be out doing something I enjoy with like-minded people. But where do I find the confidence to do it?
Have to make changes ... maybe just one small step at a time?
Thank you again.
Juno
PS Having said yesterday that I felt OK, sadness and anger gone etc - it hasn't been the case. It's still with me, just feeling awful - and worse, I've got to face them all again on Tuesday night as it is my niece's birthday and her family dinner - same people, same environment - and we'll be singing and watching her blow out the candles on her cake etc. All lovely, of course, and I'm heavily involved (doing the food etc) but I feel so raw at missing out myself - representative I guess of "missing out" on so much more and feeling basically unloved and un-cared about. And wondering - like always - if it's my fault. And even more worse - there's a very real chance that my sister's boyfriend will be there with her, having sorted out their difficulties - and all my support for her, and consequent exhaustion, and her stress and anger at me, and my ruined birthday - will mean nothing to anyone except me.
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by happyface » Sat Jul 17, 2004 12:00 am
Wow, our families could be from the same mold I think. Long ago I stopped 'relying' on my family (except my mom). I have 3 brothers, 3 sister-in-laws, 12 nieces/step-nieces, 1 nephew, a dad and stepmom and my dear mom. Of all those people I can only rely on my mom to talk to. My 3 bros and their wives and my dad/stepmom do not want to talk about depression or suicide or panic. Oh my heavens Nooooooo. Not only will they not hear of it, they would not ask how I was doing either. To me they are very selfish and wrapped up in their own worlds. Therefore when they would hurt me or shut me out (what I thought they were doing) I would fantasize about suicide to hurt them and "wake them up". I could just picture it at my funeral they would be like "gosh, we never knew, I wish she would have said something". Yeah right.
Anyway, I think over 5 years ago I kinda stepped back from my family and havent regretted one bit. When xmas or a holiday get togethers come around I always go and I enjoy myself, but as far as feeling they are family to lean on in hard times that will never be the case. Unless of course I was sick with an actual illness and in the hospital or something, they would all be there. I think to them depression is not a real illness and should be something that you can snap out of.
Anyway - sorry to ramble Juno and everyone else. Will you say anything to your sister? Or avoid the incident to spare feelings? It is a tough call, I know with my family they are very defensive if I call them on their behavior or try to let them know they hurt my feelings, etc. Its kinda a game of "lets just pretend nothing happened". Silly games.
Anyway, I think over 5 years ago I kinda stepped back from my family and havent regretted one bit. When xmas or a holiday get togethers come around I always go and I enjoy myself, but as far as feeling they are family to lean on in hard times that will never be the case. Unless of course I was sick with an actual illness and in the hospital or something, they would all be there. I think to them depression is not a real illness and should be something that you can snap out of.
Anyway - sorry to ramble Juno and everyone else. Will you say anything to your sister? Or avoid the incident to spare feelings? It is a tough call, I know with my family they are very defensive if I call them on their behavior or try to let them know they hurt my feelings, etc. Its kinda a game of "lets just pretend nothing happened". Silly games.
by Juno » Sun Jul 18, 2004 12:35 am
Hi Happyface
Thank you for taking the time to write to me and I really identified with what you said.
Today is a very rough day for me and I'm not really up to writing anything positive, but I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your response.
Thank you.
Juno
Thank you for taking the time to write to me and I really identified with what you said.
Today is a very rough day for me and I'm not really up to writing anything positive, but I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your response.
Thank you.
Juno
- Juno
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