My lack of motivation...

**Posts:** 56 · by **Taran** » Mon Jun 21, 2004 10:02 am

I am a 19-year old male who is about to begin college. I am still living with my parents (Mother and Stepfather) due to my financial state. (Or lack thereof...) My sister, 20, also lives with us. Although I am about to start college, which should be the begining of my adult life, I find myself unable to perform. When I get up in the day, I often dread being around my family or what kind of new frustration the day will inevitably bring.

I do not know if this happens to a lot of people, but after having lived with my family for 19 years, I have began to notice all their annoying habbits. Which, at first, was no big deal... But the longer I have been around them, the more iritating they have become, and these habbits have imbeded so deeply into a negative part of my conscience that I cannot stand to be around my family for more than 5 minutes without wanting to run off and isolate myself. I can't even find a place suitable for my isolation, seeing as how their tendancies to annoy me go beyond the seclusion of my room. For example: My Sister is pretty much your average teenage girl. She hangs out with her friends, likes to drive around town, go to parties, listen to music... The latter being a prime example of how my family can iritate me even during my seclusion from them. I absolutely hate Rap, and conveniently, my Sister enjoys it very much. A bit too much. Although I have headphones and a computer, I can't seem to drown it out. Just the thought that she even plays it so loudly, even if I can't hear it, strikes a nerve...very hard. It compells me to want to throw her stereo out the window. Although I am very patient and would never actually do anything like this, lately, my patience has been tried.

I often have nightmares where a family member (particularly my Sister) is doing something to hurt me. At first, I was very weak. They would be screaming at me and I would just back down and fear, trapped in a feeling of hopelessness...like I was lower than them. But recently, I have began to fight back against these nightmares. On several occassions, I would unconsciencely jump up in their face and scream several obscenities with no end. And they would back down from me... When I wake, I feel angry at my family for that day, and tend to avoid them.

But I never could hold a grudge in such a blatant manner as to constantly attack somebody I do not like. I always keep my feelings to myself, and pretend to forgive and forget. (Well, I actually try, but it never works.) I sometimes get mad at myself because I show so much kindness to the people whom I do not like, and later, they end up hurting me, then I end up punishing myself for being so vulnerable.

This has caused a severe lack of motivation to really do anything...at all. I don't even want to wake up in the morning anymore. What may appear as a pety grudge caused by annoying little habbits goes much deeper, though. Back to my childhood. My father has always spoiled my Sister, brainwashed my Brother and totally ignored me altogether. I always had a secret desire for my Mother and Father to divorce, and it happened around the age of 12. Things got worse from that point. My Mother's judgement became impared... She felt free. A bit too free. She went to parties, stayed out late, used alcohol... I was depressed because of my concern for her. We lost our house and had to live in a trailor park afterwards because she was too busy partying to focus on keeping us kids happy, and our home intact. She eventually came to, though. A bit too late, however.

I don't want to get into the things that happened afterwards. It was the begining of the era of my life which I now regret so much that I can't look back on it without feeling an overwhelming amount of shame and frustration. At one point, I literally convinced myself that I did not exist during that point. I just want it to be a blank in my life.

But now, here I am. A few years after that point. Although I try so hard not to look back on the past, I can't help it. It haunts me at night. I never can sleep... When I do get to sleep, I sleep for so long. It's like sleep has become an escape for me. At some point, I develped a thyroid problem, and I felt so physically fatigued all the time that I just gave up on life. It all seemed hopeless because of my situation.

Well, I don't know what else to say... I can't post my entire life's story here. I guess this little rant of mine is just too confusing because not even I know where I am going with this. But all I know is that I lack any kind of motivation to really do anything. There is a big future ahead of me, but I am too weak to move foward and embrace it. I am trapped in my own prison of pety grudge and intolerance for those around me.

This is not even the begining of my problems... I just need to...rest. For now.

**Posts:** 33 · by **alternative** » Tue Jun 22, 2004 1:58 am

Tehre must be things you could do, taran, must be. Have you tried thinking of the different ways you can avoid being at home through most of the day? I'm assumung you're working (If you're not, you ned ot start as soon as possible). do save money. I hope you're aware of how many poeple have went through collage without ANY help from their parents.

First, learn to be indipendant. you technically only need to even be at home for sleeping (and I guess it's cheaper to eat at home too), but other than those, take advantage of the summer and stay out of your house after work if that's what you wish. If you think just walking around in the local park, being in the local pool, and spending some time in the library (along of course with spending as much time as possible with your friends) is way too dull for you, try to find some common language with nature. I advised this before - it's really amasing how pretty and three dementional and green plants can be. If you walked into a park before, you might have noticed (depending on how natural the park is) how it's so ugly all around you with teeming annual wild plants all around and ugly ugly dead branches of huneysuckles and other bushes along with decomposing trees. When I wus your age (and I think even younger) I really really enjoyed making it all pretty. Cutting off all the dead stuff, axing all the fallen logs to bits to increase decomposition rate, tearing all the poison ivy away, and in general helping the wildlife grow is very very satisfying. If you want more information on how to properly take care of wildlife, say so, I'd love to share it with you.

Anyway, you get my point. If you hate being at home, just... well... don't!!!

Another way of dealing with the situation. And I know It's a lot harder for you to do than for me to say and stuff, but try to find common language with your family. Help when asked for it. Honor everyone. Say please and thank you and stuff. Mainly - help when asked for it. If no one cares about you, show that you care about your family and care about your mom's future. If your sister does not respect you... Help when asked for. Instead of making her shut the stupid radio off and making her all angry, convince her that you deserve some respect. All the c*** they say in the bible about treating others is fairly true, Taran.

When you're in collage it'll be even easier to spend less time at home. You can study at the campus, and continue to use spare time for out of the house stuff. It'll be easier to find parties and stuff once you're in collage and know a lot more people.

Try to get a separate place to live as soon as you get enough money. Being in collage and living with your parents is almost an embarassment in today's standarts.

**Posts:** 2522 · by **kfedouloff** » Tue Jun 22, 2004 12:00 pm

Some good advice there from alternative!

I also wonder, Taran, if you are being affected by the amount of time you spend thinking over what is going on - constant ruminating on problems can severely stress and exhaust your brain - which can result in less and less motivation.

Have a look at The Depression Learning Path for more information about this and ideas on how to get out of the vicious circle!

Good luck

Kathleen

**Posts:** 56 · by **Taran** » Wed Jun 23, 2004 2:24 am

I appreciate your suggestions, although these are things I have tried before. Many people enjoy a nature walk now and then to help deal with their stress, but I have never found it to be an effective method for me. We do live in an area that is surrounded by a lot of wood, and we actually have a trail through our backyard... I thought about taking a walk everyday to kind of fend off the stress, but when I am surrounded by nature, I find myself rather bored. I guess I am just so used to computers that I can't find stimulation in nature. But even so, all those trees and plants really bother my allergies :wink:

I do like taking a walk when it is winter, though. That's the only season I feel good in. All the warmer seasons seem to make me feel kind of cruddy, so I tend not to go out that much. I guess it probably has something to do with allergies, for one thing.

Anyways, there isn't much common ground between my family and I. I'm just so different from the rest of them that we practically have nothing in common. If I try to talk to them about my interests, they're just kind of like, "Huh?" I've especially tried to find common ground with my Sister, since she is my age. But one problem is that I am a bit too old for my age. While all my peers are out partying, getting drunk and listening to Rap, I'm sitting at home on my computer, playing a video game or thinking about what the future might bring. (In a positive way.) My Sister is definitely your common teenager, so her and I don't have any common ground. But, despite this fact, I still try my best to be nice to her, even though, deep down, I harbor so many bad feelings toward her. It really doesn't help any. I just hate myself more for being such a doormat. (Maybe that's not the right word, but I can't think straight right now...)

I understand my feelings--I meditate on them all the time. But all this burden that I have... It feels impossible to do anything because it's weighing down on me all the time. Every second of the day, it's just dread that something else will happen to hurt me in some way. And, if not that, all of my personal demons will be more than happy to rise into my subconscience and torment me throughout the day. I guess I am a worrywart, but no matter how much I try to cast away what's bothering me, it just stays there, on my mind.

Maybe I will get around to posting my other problems... But for now, I don't want to be such a pessimist. Nor do I want to burden anyone else with them.

**Posts:** 285 · by **Lyndsay Swinton** » Wed Jun 23, 2004 11:16 am

Hi Taran,

Thanks for your posts, and please, feel free to share the burden of your problems. It's what the forum is here for

.

I'm interested to know more about what you're going to be studying at college. What subjects have you chosen? I guess you have chosen subjects that you are interested in?? Let us know what's happening there.

As alternative suggests, getting out of the house is the best way to get away from the rap music and other irritating stuff. The summer before college is a weird time as you're going to be starting something new and it's a big change. Think back to other big changes - maybe from junior to senior school - what helped make the change easier? What sucked about the change? Do you know other people that you could talk to about this?

And what about money? Maybe consider taking some kind of part time job - it won't be enough to get your own place but will help fund your social life at college! You said you like working on your computer - are there any on-line freelance jobs you could do? Check out www.elance.com for all sorts of techie one off or ongoing jobs including more straightforward stuff such as remote email handling or other admin. And there's always Burger King :wink:

As for the big stuff about being at the start of your "adult life"..... You're absolutely right but take heart in that you can always change direction later on. Very few people end up being what they thought they were going to be (myself included)!

And back to the more straightforward stuff. Without wanting to sound like an overprotective mother - are you sleeping right? Are you eating well? Do you have stuff to do over the summer? As Kathleen said, things get out of perspective when your body is a bit out of whack. Maybe try some relaxation - avoid the summer allergies and take yourself for a mental walk through the winter woods. Just 10 - 20 minutes a day doing some focussed relaxation will help keep things in perspective.

I hope that's some food for though - I look forward to hearing from you again!

Lyndsay

**Posts:** 245 · by **Juno** » Wed Jun 23, 2004 5:59 pm

Taran wrote:I always keep my feelings to myself, and pretend to forgive and forget. (Well, I actually try, but it never works.) I sometimes get mad at myself because I show so much kindness to the people whom I do not like, and later, they end up hurting me, then I end up punishing myself for being so vulnerable.

Hi Taran

Maybe you could try NOT keeping your feelings to yourself. Not to try and make the others understand how you feel, but just so that you are "speaking your truth" rather than pretending. I pretended for a long time and it's really poisonous after a while. And the only person who gets hurt by it is you. I think that might be why you get mad at yourself - it was for me. Speaking your truth is also very empowering and you might find you feel less vulnerable.

You could try being kind to yourself - putting yourself and your feelings first. Looking after yourself - and your feelings - with honour and respect.

As for giving yourself a break from the burden of such overwhelming frustrations, what about writing while you're sitting at your computer? You write well - maybe you could write about family members and situations in a creative way? Maybe turn them into caricatures, make it funny. If you like what you write and you think it's entertaining, post it in a blog.

And maybe - just for balance - spend some time with some friends? You could try the trick of leaving how you feel in your room at home, when you go out. Using that trick means you don't necessarily have to take the burden with you when you go out.

Good Luck
Juno

**Posts:** 56 · by **Taran** » Wed Jun 23, 2004 8:14 pm

Lyndsay, I am taking a computer operations class at my local tech school. I don't actually want to repair computers for a living, but I want this to help me pay for future education. Getting a job without any kind of education in a particular field doesn't offer much. My bigger plan is to attend ITT Tech so that I might design video games for a living. However, that is rather costly, which is why I am taking computers operations first.

I doubt I could work in the meantime. I mean, I guess I would have enough extra time to work a minimum wage job while I am attending the tech school, but it would probably be too stressful. Besides, financial aid pretty much covers the tech school for me.

As far as my physical health goes... Well, I do have a problem with insomnia. Although I am not sure if it is related to other aspects of my physical health. I seem to be a bit of a nightowl. The funny thing is, I could stay up all night and sleep all day no problem. But vice versa is another story. The day seems to make me more tired... I think I got into this pattern because of all the stress associated with being up during the day. (Dealing with my family, etc.) I have tried, numerous times, to get back on a healthy sleeping schedule, but I inevitably end up getting off-track again. This kind of impairs my ability to attend school, doctor's appointments and other important dates. But I usually don't have too much of a problem being up sometime in the early afternoon...if need be.

I have tried many different relaxation techniques--meditation, astral projection, (gasp! Some weird experiences there) taking a simply walk through the woods or in a park... I think what I perfer most is to just turn off my lights, put on some soft music (such as New Age, or maybe some Ambient Trance) and just "chill." Although that does help, it's not a feeling that really lasts.

Juno, I have tried to be more expressive about how I feel, but that usually backfires. I can't really force my family to understand how I feel, even if I let all my feelings cascade out of me, they just take it the wrong way. There really aren't any positive, or nuetral ways of expressing how I feel. So I end up being in an arguement with somebody.

I've tried to convince myself before that there is no sense in being a victim--that I should just let it all go the moment it enters my body. But if I did that, there would be constant chaos around here. And that would probably make things a lot worse.

I do try to surround myself with the things that I enjoy--friends, interests and generally fun stuff. But it doesn't seem to help. I mean, I know it takes my attention off of the negative things, but while I'm having fun, I can't help but to feel like my problems are still there and will be there waiting for me when I get back. I mean, they're not going to solve themselves, afterall...

**Posts:** 1 · by **pete** » Thu Jun 24, 2004 6:43 pm

HI,, YOU SOUND VERY DEPRESSED TO ME.ITS OK, I CAN RELATE TO A LOT OF WHAT YOUR SAYING ,I REALY CAN. LISTEN IM 43 AND ONLY JUST REALY STARTING TO GET ANY EFFECTIVE HELP WITH THESE PROBLEM.MINE WAS AN UNHAPPY CHILD HOOD TO. STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP OK! THE THINGS YOUR DESCIBING ARE VERY COMMON SYMPTOMS

OK.VERY COMMON. I WISH THE INTERNET WAS AROUND WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE! YOUR YOUNG YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LOOK FORWARD TO. FIND THE LINK ON THIS FORUM FOR THE DEPRESSION LEARNING PATH.IT HAS REALY HELPED ME,IM SURE IT WILL HELP YOU TO UNDERSTAND IT AND THERE IS A WAY OUT.YOU SHOULD ALSO GET SOME COUNCELING.NLP IS GOOD.TAKE CARE.LOVE PETE.UK.

**Posts:** 245 · by **Juno** » Sun Jun 27, 2004 12:13 am

Hi Taran

How are you feeling? I hope so much that there's been some improvement for you.

Keep in touch ...

Juno

**Posts:** 1 · by **Waterbaby82** » Thu Jul 22, 2004 9:32 pm

Hey Taran. I can definitely relate to you. When I was 15 I started getting really depressed, and it never really went away. It's like one day the clouds came in. That was 7 years ago, they haven't left yet. I find myself in the same position I was then. I don't feel like I've grown and changed properly. Promoting presenteeism at work was okay when I was 15, but I'm a junior in college now, still slacking off for no other reason than I don't care.

I'm pretty hard on myself. I evaluate myself constantly and accuse myself of being lazy, selfish, and vain. This summer has been rough because I just broke up with the one guy I managed to find and date for any period of time over a few weeks. I find myself hopelessly still attached to him. I just bought him a 600$ white leather coat because I have no better way to spend my money (sure as heck not paying off my credit card bills).

This summer has been filled with 10 minute friendships, casual sex, and lots of TV. I'm nocturnal like you are too. My ideal schedule would be to stay up until 3 and sleep until noon. I've always been told how much potential I have, but I don't feel destined for anything. I have positive aspirations about the future too, though I also am nervous about things I've heard that life only gets harder and stuff like that.

My family is not a bad one. I just feel disconnected with them. My younger brother (about your age) does too (I assume). We are the "Unwanted stepchildren." We moved in with our Dad, stepmom, and step brother and stepsister about 5 years ago. Though our basic needs are met, we always felt sort of secondary. My step-sister and brother are nice enough, but total do-gooders. We just don't relate. My stepmom has tried hard, I have to give her credit, but she was also a driving force behind a lot of the negative things that happened to me.

I can't really give you any advice, because when you're faced with this type of problem, it's something inside you that's asleep. Nothing anyone says will help you. I wish I could say getting older will bring good things, but I have a feeling its something internal that has to happen. Try to get away from the computer if you can. My theory is all the wonderful technology our society is so obsessed with accumulating and improving is also the cause of the isolation that the post-modern world has brought with it. I spend my workday staring at a computer screen and large portions of my recreational time staring at the TV.

I feel animalistic a lot to. Like a hunter in a farmers world if you've heard that theory. I'm not as polished as a lot of people. Definitely ADD. See how I'm rambling right now? It's weird. One of the saddest things that's happened to me is the death of my love affair with music. In high school I always had a CD to listen to on the walk to school. I bought so many CDs. Electronica and trip-hop was my favorite. Sneaker Pimps, Goldfrapp, Cranberries, Radiohead, Garbage, Portishead, Hooverphonic, Tori Amos, Madonna, Republica, and Orbital were a few in my eclectic collection. I don't know what happened but I just don't listen to music as much anymore.

I know this probably hasn't helped, but I just wanted to let you know there's other people out there experiencing the same gray haze in life. I know it made me feel a little better to see your post, since it often seems like everyone has some little ambition, inspiration, hobby, goal, or outlet, and I"m the only one who is having trouble stagnating in a world that's always accelerating.

Oh well.

Peace. :twisted:

My lack of motivation...

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