WeedPaws/Psychotic Episode Please tell me I'll Recover

Hi guys,

I've been on her reading a lot of stories to help ease my mind as lately I have really been struggling.
I've decided to post my own story hoping maybe someone may have gone through the same things and made a full recovery as at the moment I worry I will never feel normal again.

I started smoking weed heavily over the first lock down which continued through out the entire of last year. I would spoke spliffs from the moment I woke up and through out the day. When my family found out they were pretty upset as I had actually managed to quit for a number of years after going through a rough period of withdrawals the first time. But some how I managed to convince myself that it had all been in my head the first time and that it wasn't that bad, I was really enjoying smoking again and at first didn't see any harm.

Then over Christmas I had a psychotic episode, I believe it started after having a panic attack on the way to the bathroom, it felt as if all this energy was coming out of me and all I could do was just try and breath through it, I felt like I was having a 'burning bush moment' things began to get worse I thought I was tapping in to the secrets of the universe, I had thoughts thinking I was Jesus, I thought the government was tracking my phone, I thought the telly was sending me messages, I was aggressive towards my friends and family and even threatened a man behind the bar when he wouldn't serve me saying I would burn his bar to the ground. All the while thinking absolutely nothing was wrong with me. This lasted for a few months I stayed in my room and continued to smoke as well as drink a lot and also was doing a lot a cocaine.

Fortunately all these thoughts and feelings stopped on their own and it wasn't till afterwards that I began to realise I had clearly been having a psychotic episode. Yet still I continued to smoke. `A friend of mine asked me to be in a short film he was making and I agreed, whilst on set I couldn't focus on anything anyone was saying I didn't want to be in the same room as anybody (bare in mind I had just been in my room alone smoking over the third lockdown). It was after this I decided to stop, I wanted to be able to function properly again, I am an aspiring actor and knew that if I any chance of succeeding I'd have to have a properly functioning brain.

However since stopping I feel like absolute sh**, I wake up in the morning dreading that the day has begun, I know that sounds pathetic as there's so much to be grateful for but it's true. Now whenever I'm around people I'm experiencing extreme social anxiety and can barely string sentences together. Even when I'm food shopping and get near people it's like my defences go up like my body is terrified of even going near people as if it's perceiving them as a threat. I am watching every single thought analysing it convincing myself there is something more wrong with me.
This is really embarrassing to admit but the N word keeps coming in to head, it's become like this compulsive thing, the more I try stop thinking it the more I do. Which makes me scared I'm going to say it out loud at some point. It's not towards anyone just keeps on popping up which is stressing me the **** out man! I've become completely toxic and hateful as I can see everyone around me at work socialising and having fun and I'm trapped in my own head terrified to even talk at all. I can't focus and am constantly super self aware of everything I do. My self esteem is at an all time low I'm doubting my ability to do anything as my brain just feels like it doesn't work anymore. I feel like I have no opinions on anything, no sense of humour. Just a big ball of hate for myself and people around me. Which I then resent myself for feeling that way.

I've started having a couple therapy sessions and he thinks this is all to do with withdrawal and actually advised me not to go on anti psychotic medication which I'm pretty grateful for as I've heard these can come with their own side effects and withdrawal period. I've also been working out every day and taking multi vitamins.

The fact that I'm doing this for a second time as well (this time being a bit more dramatic due to psychotic episode) is doubly frustrating. Really wish I'd learnt from the first time but one thing for sure is I will never touch weed or any drugs ever again that is for sure!

I'm at 44 days sober.

If anyone has any insight or could offer any words of encouragement I would greatly appreciate it, I feel so alone right now.

I wish you guys all luck in your recovery.

Thanks.