why did they do this to me?

i guess theres no answer but i wish there was so i could understand and put the gremlins in my head to rest

I often ask myself this question...

I ask myself why did my mum behave like this to me when she was really nice to my older brother and sisters.. Why did she take a dislike to me ? Why did she only bother to try with me 1 month before she died. When she was living she could not give a rats donkey.. she saw me on the street....

Or, why did my mate after such a long time break into my squat and steal what meager possesion I had....

imo, we are asking the impossible.. To be able to figure out other peoples actions be they family, friend or foe is beyound what I, us, should be looking at.

Instead, we should be asking have we really been treated all that bad... yeh, people do horrible things.. But mayeb its the way we handle this treatment... The poeple who have treated us bad, have had bad treatment themselves.. its just that the 'may' handle it different...

I used to sit there late at night and cry, asking myself why.. id dream about possible answers, situations where i would be able to say the things i wanted...

Then one day I felt and urge to say "F*CK IT". I'm not letting the things people done, no matter how supposedly close, be inside my mind no-more.

I went from the mindset of being a 'victim', to a 'by-stander' in one night. A by-stander stands there and lets it all go past - don’t bother asking why...

Sort of like, being a smoker one minute, to a non-smoker the next.. Totally out of my mind...

The people that done these things to me are not sitting there thinking, "why did i do that to him?" So im not going to bother.

I then just concentrated on the "one" person I know who loves and treats me right.

This is how "I" dealt with such thoughts and reoccurring feelings. I hope you find peace, from the post I have read you are nothing but a nice person, who does not deserve but stuck in a rut because of other peoples misguided actions in dealing with there own thoughts, feelings.

Spence.

xxxxx

i wish i could think like that but its still ongoing.My two daughters think im something to wipe from their shoes, between my mum and my eldest sister they have poisoned them. The truth should make them hate my mum and sister but they have been groomed over a number of years and dont want to hear it.
I was a single parent who actually planned for children at 27.For ten years i put them before everything, i had no men friends at all.When i had enough of being hard up i spent 7years at college and uni and got my qualifications but had no support throughout. Instead my mum, who is well off, tempted and groomed them so they didnt want to go without anything.

my sister brought her boyfriend round and he tried to molest my eldest,then 12.He was going to plead innocent and to make him confess she made me keep my mouth shut so my daughter wouldnt have to be dragged through court and "you dont want to upset mum do you?"He got 18months
I FOUND OUT SHE KNEW HE WAS A PAEDOPHILE WHENSHE FIRST MET HIM
my mum came and took my girls (11 and 12) for a holiday,later that nite she called and said they were never coming back.I was over a hundred miles away with no transport.I could hear the girls in the background shouting they didnt want to come back.

All those weekends she had them i thought she was helping me, hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I dont have much to do with the rest of the family, ive tried but I now feel
as if im in the way.
Do you think its easy to close the door on your own children, we were so very close.They are now 21 and 22 Ive been heartbroken ever since sorry im crying now

Sweetheart, it worries me to see you suffering so much.

Certainly, a lot of things have gone awfully wrong for you, esp. where your kids are concerned. But in order to make you a complete and happy person again, you need to work on that, and give it time...

I have been sad and angry before and I have only just started to focus on myself and my happiness, for a change. The first thing to do is, and I know it is so very difficult, and it takes time, is to let go of the past. Because that time is gone and is never coming back. You can never change what happened, and you are wasting your present in sorrow. You have a right to be happy and you can start now.

It is sad that your own mum would pull you apart from your own babies. Esp. after she knows you are having a hard time, and she neglected to support you, her own daughter, during that time. I don't know if talking to your mom would help you in some way understand why she did what she did. If she loves your kids so much that she just had to take them in!!(although she could have helped you!) Let your kids always know and feel your love for them. I cannot possibly understand why they would turn from you. Perhaps it is your turn to groom them towards you. Make sure you are always aware of what is going on in their lives, tell them you love them and miss them. Please do not distance yourself from them, if they are so very important for you. If you see yourself as being in their way, then they will perceive you as such. You have the right to be in their lives - you gave them birth and you raised them! Ask them what you did wrong to them to alienate you the way that they do!!Are you very far from them, do you see them often?

Of course, while you are working on winning them back, you must focus on yourself too. Spencer is right when he says "F*** them". That attitude is gonna pull you out of your misery, and help you build your strength, confidence and a new life for yourself that you have every right to live. All those people who have caused me pain with their words, games, actions, they haven't changed even today, but I have. I say."Screw them." And it doesn't weigh on my mind as much, or make me weep the way I used to earlier. Because life's not fair, and knowing that is the only way to stride thru it unscathed!

I think you should be proud of your qualities, you are a wonderful person. Just take it one step at a time, and time will heal, and everything will get better, it always does... In the meantime, keep us posted.
Good Luck and God Bless...

Bless you.

That is alot to cope with... My thoughts and feelings are with you. You are a lovely person, and im sure you will work out whats best for your situation...

I managed to find solice in the way I described, you have yet to find your way.... Lets hope the doc's and the support from peeps here can help you find your way.

xxx

xx

hi millicent,

i can only echo what lovely wife & spencer have already said. i hope at some point you will be able to build bridges with your daughters you all need each other but for now i think may be it might be best to put yourself first. i was recently reunited with my mother, we had not had contact with each other for 5 years. my parents got divorced recently & with dad out of the picture things have been very different indeed. my dad who is a controlling manipulating bully poisoned my mother & the rest of my family against me for speaking out about the abuse i endured from him. i can say hand on my heart that the relationship i now have with my mother is wonderful, it was something that i used to dream of, she has totally changed, is so much more relaxed/happy & she is my best friend. i am so happy for her, i have to pinch myself sometimes. it takes time millicent but the truth will out.

take care, thinking of you xxx

sorry i couldnt get back sooner.getting upset leaves me really drained.
Today i went to a close friends funeral.She was 36 and leaves a loving husband and two beautiful children.It was the hospitals fault as well, today should never have happened. Everybody there cried.

Thankyou for your thoughts and the pussy pic.

My mum is also a manipulating,bullying, selfish control freak,always played one of us off against the other. She took great delight in upsetting people,
she sat there once laughing at how she made this girl cry in the pub. My mum used to be the landlady of the unicorn in aylsham norfolk (i dont care who knows now)

I had 4 sisters and 1 brother, all too afraid to stick up for me.
the eldest has sponged off and conned my mum since i was 14, thats the one with the paedophile boyfriend (shes with someone new now) shes nearly 60 and an alcoholic,she is joined at the hip to my mum and is jealous of anybody she gives attention to,not that it happens much.

the next eldest, she married a surgeon and has lived in birmingham many years, they are filthy rich.
the next eldest was nice but still didnt defend me.She died at 53 last summer.
the next sister always used me and embarassed me in front of any potential partner i might have had, my aunt died about 5 years ago leaving me 52.5 thousand pounds, she took it all.
my brother the youngest 49 hasnt got a bad bone in his body but still he didnt defend me.

Lovely housewife i have tried to win my girls back.In the beginning my mum intercepted all calls and letters from me.I sent gifts and she called me and told me not to send that sh..t. I was still at college, crying in the student union,in the town centre and at home.

Earlier this year i went to see my dad,they divorced when i was 13 and i opened up to him,he seemed to want to get to know me but my 50th came and went unnoticed as they say out of sight out of mind.he doesnt call or write never has.

I have nieces and nephews with children so our family is big but torn apart through rivalry,jealousy,greed and selfishness, if i go to any family do, how can i sit watching my daughters with my mum. who do you think has had all the mothers day cards all these years?

All i can see is that i have to close the door on the lot of them cos i cant stand anymore. But every day theres reminders of what i used to have and I cant get close to anyone anymore, even my partner of 10 years whom i love dearly but i cant help thinking one day he will leave me for another.

the only thing i can be sure of is that some day i will die and wont have to suffer anymore, no more bills no more anything. I tried to top myself two years ago on 7 prozac one for each sorrow i felt, i thought they would kill me but here i am still.

I have been raped twice the first time i was treated like an outcast by the WHOLE airforce base at raf honington they didnt believe me the second i got as far as the police who treated me like a prostitute ( i was nursing at the time) because my hair was coloured and i had a small tattoo on my hip,
so they didnt believe me either. Yes im angry very angry and then i start crying again. sorry i could go on but i need to stop so you can reply.

Hi Millicent, my friend.

Ive gone teary-eyed just reading this.. I'm not ashamed to say it...

How can humans be so horrible.... This is so sad.. All I can say is there are nice people out there... you have been very unlucky in the fact that you just have not met any of them, as such.

Its makes me angry inside what these people have done to you.... You have been through some terrible things.. and if you dont mind me saying, are an inspiration to me... the fact that your here now ready to get help is amazing... This in-itself shows that you "will" be at peace... I dont mean after you pass away either.... You ow it to yourself to be happy, after soo many years of unhappyness.... Lets get you seeing the doc's then we can go from there...

You are not alone!

My family have done some terrible things to me too.. sexual, physical, mental abuse.... But i have said "F*CK THEM". Once you get that feeling in your head.. things are easier... You can use that power to push yourself onto great things.. like starting up a business ! After the many nights of me crying and stabbing myself in the arms, then I said f*ck em.. I then went back to college... I found my life had purpose.. Sort of like.. "They wanna be like that with me, I all have done is be nice/normal", "f*cking idots!"

I have not spoken of seen a close member of my family in 5 years. they live 20 mins from me... I don’t plan too...

Your kids will some day see that you are a lovely person, materials things do not matter soo much as you get older... I sadly grew up without any mum or dad, they have had no input on my life.. The only input they had was f*king with me... Erm, Im going to let what they did play and drag me down.. Belive, horriblness only knows horribleness... If they did not, they would be happy.. and if they are happy about being horrible... Then to hell they should go....

Also, you feel down and want to top yourself at times.. Hell, people have done it for way less that what yu have been through, but dont let other people win... You will find happyness... Im sure the docs wil help you to the point of where yu start utting your emtions for yourself first.. instead of dealing with the emtions that other people have planted. You have to grow your own tree. You tree will grow higher than theres... You have to belive this - we all only have one short life...

As for the last paragraphe of your post, Cuddle......... Cuddle...Cuddle. Lets just see what the docs says.. And what is the best way to go 'forward'.

Speak soon.

Spence.

xxxx

PS: Sorry bout the language.

hi millicent, i wish there was something i could do or say to take away your pain, it disgusts me that human beings can inflict so much pain onto others. i understand how you feel, the world is one f***ed up place. you shouldn't have had to go through all of that, so much pain, how can people be so cruel, i ask myself this question everyday. millicent you are still standing & that is something to be proud of, you're strength & determination shine through, you are one hell of a courageous lady. families certainly do have a lot to answer for, all i know is that in the end people get theirs, as i said before the truth will out, i can vouch for this as i have witnessed it myself. put yourself first, concentrate on improving your situation, build up your strength, try not to hold out for others as hard as it is, some people will never change. there is so much injustice in this world it makes me very sad indeed, i can relate to what you have gone through & are feeling. i spend a lot of time in turmoil as to why family/friends have treated me so terribly but i know i must move forward & leave it there, however i know how difficult this is. it never leaves you really i think we just find ways of coping with it.

i wish i was there with you now as i could give you hugs, for now i'll send you lots of big cyber hugs (((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))) & a group hug for us all ((((((((((HUG))))))))))

i am so sorry to hear of your loss, go easy on you, be kind to yourself. i would go snuggle up in bed, i feel we need to let the emotions take hold sometimes, just ride with it, i know its a rollercoaster ride but trying to stop these feelings does not help, we have to go through it to come out on the other side. i also admire you, you're very brave for speaking of your experiences, this in itself will make you very emotional, leave you feeling raw & exposed. try to look to the future millicent - you deserve to be happy, we all deserve to be happy, i know some day soon will we all feel at peace with ourselves. thinking of you.

much love&peace to you xxx

big hugs to you as well spencer ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Im so grateful for your support, you have problems of your own and yet you can visualise the hurt i feel, my family could never do that.

I dont think this site is for dysfunctional people, we are more normal because we tell the truth and have empathy for others, unconditional caring is priceless. You are all lovely xxxxxxxxxxxxx

It's terrible isn't it, being taken advantage of and being shoved around by others. Well, not that it makes you feel better, just remember you are not the only one.

Maybe you could try writing a journal of all your thoughts and feelings so you can organize and process your internal conflicts. And for not sleeping you could try self-hypnosis.

Warmest wishes and remember: "Your love may brighten someone else's bad day."

thankyou sarazen, I did start to write down my thoughts but it didnt help much, just showed me how many questions i needed the answer to.

theres probably no answer to why things happened and ive got to accept the fact that im going to get shoved around until im six feet under.
my partner tries to make me "street wise" and after 50 years of being too honest for my own good and trying to brighten peoples day wherever i went,its not easy accepting the world is full of people ready to take me down you would expect family to be the oasis of love.sorry im fantasising.

My partner is my family now, he is 27 and we have been together 10 years.
He had a breakdown 5 years ago poor thing.
I love him so very much and every day i make sure he knows it.

I am my own worst enemy. I do hope counselling will help rid me of unhappy thoughts or at least help me cope with them.

thankyou for your kind words