13 Months in, what a ride.

Hi guys. I've been lurking here since the day I quit. I thought it would finally be time to post my story since the internet seems to be sorely lacking in long term PAWS experiences. I also feel my situation is a little more out of the ordinary from an already out of the ordinary experience, that it may be worth recording in case it helps someone else not feel so alone.

So, Thirteen months and eight days ago, I abruptly quit cold turkey due to a series of severe panic attacks I experienced from to weed. I was not taking any other substances, not even pharmaceuticals and it started as a treatment for my endometriosis. I quickly became addicted. I was smoking weed and eating edibles daily for a little shy of three years. These panic attacks were likely the culmination of other symptoms I was experiencing throughout my time smoking. I had developed this chronic extremely itchy rash on my legs that would turn red and welt. My anxiety was almost always right at the point of being unbearable for about the last year I smoked. I was feeling shooting body pains. I was having terrible digestion, and I was losing weight. I went to the dispensary and described my symptoms, asking if it could be related to weed and was assured there was no way, and offered some lower THC options. I really should have listened to the voice in my head as a couple days later I experienced my first mini panic attack. Looking back, it was so obvious that weed was causing this but it had such a strong hold on me, between social acceptance of it being a panacea, and people telling me it was in my head, it was hard to see the reality.

Fast forward to the day I quit. I had just had my daily edible. I was making dinner with my husband. In the middle of peeling potatoes the most intense wave of fear and panic I've ever experienced in my life hit me like a brick. I dropped the potato peeler, told my husband I was having a panic attack, and promptly got on the floor in the fetal position, for two hours. I could barely talk, and I was convinced I was dying. I was so naive, because even at this point I was so determined that it was not weed, I blamed a vitamin I had earlier for giving me a this panic attack, but I decided to cut out the weed anyways, just in case. After three hours, I was still having this panic attack at the same intensity, so we went to the ER. This happened three more times over the course of a week. The people at the ER eventually referred me to a therapist since all they could find was swollen lymph nodes. Unfortunately the therapist they referred me to had zero experience treating patients with substance abuse and I was deferred elsewhere, but due to covid, I was unable to get anyone to help me.

Weeks 1-5 Acute Withdrawal - I started going through withdrawals immediately after the day I quit. I was already experiencing all the same symptoms I was having while smoking, but they ramped up to be this boundless well of suffering, and then some. I experienced (in order of most to least severe), panic, insomnia, paranoia, elevated heart rate, shooting body pains(I kept thinking I had blood clots), difficulty breathing, itchy leg rash, weight loss, bloody stool, the shakes, night sweats. These were all at a steady 10 for these five weeks. I was mostly bed ridden. I thought I was going to die. I am so lucky my husband was there to take care of me. We were both really scared. I contemplated suicide a lot during this period.

Month 2-4 - Symptoms are still extremely intense. I have a hard time leaving the house, but I try to go for walks. It feels like hell. Around month three, the panic attacks gave way to just a really intense feeling of anxiety. It felt like I was able to come up and gasp for air, only to be pulled back down again, as another poster here had said in their description. I stopped losing weight and was able to start eating. For reference, I started at 135lb, and went down to 115lb. I had never been that thin in my life. Legs were still insanely itchy, body pains still present and terrifying, and heart feels like it's going to stop at any minute. Digestion was still pretty bad, but at least the night sweats stopped and the trembling isn't as constant. I am reading stories on uncommonforum daily over and over to stay grounded, as well as participating in the Leaves discord server from reddit. Over time I felt it was harder to relate to people there since most people don't go through PAWS from weed.

Month 5-8 - I'm starting to have some days where the symptoms are manageable. I am able to start working again. I'm a successful artist, so I had worried I had permanently broke my brain and would never be able to create again. I'm extremely humbled and grateful that this is not the case. Symptoms start to come in waves of varying degree of intensity. When the waves are intense, almost all the symptoms are present. I try having a cup of coffee and it sends me into a tailspin of symptoms for a few days. Not again, I lie to myself.

Month 9-12 - I am actually having many days where I feel relatively normal. I still know something is wrong right beneath the surface, but I enjoy the clarity when its there. I gained my weight back and am back to baseline. The bloody stools have stopped, the panic attacks, night sweats, trembling, are all gone. When a wave hits, the main symptoms are anxiety that presents as this internal jittery feeling, almost like having low blood sugar, elevated heart rate, some less severe shooting body pains, some strange breathing, like there's something stuck in the bottom of my lungs, and my legs itch. I'm able to start driving again. At some point I became so anxious I stopped driving. Glad that's improving.

Present - I am currently at the tail end of another wave. It started likely because I drank a cup of coffee every day for a week while I was traveling with my husband. I was totally fine during that whole time but once I stopped, I was hit with a wave. I imagine they are correlated. I have become extremely sensitive to alcohol and coffee during this whole time. I know there are varying opinions on stuff like that, but I really do wish I could go back to having a cup of coffee now and then without having to worry about it triggering a wave. When I go through a wave it's hard to see through the fog at all the progress I've made. Despite this easily being the worst experience of my life, I have learned a lot, and I have a lot to be grateful for. I learned I need to listen to my instinct. I learned that PAWS is absolutely real and that the only cure is time. I don't even give a second glance to the doubters because there just isn't enough time in the day to deal with them. When you know, you know, and nothing can take that from you. I suspect I will be one of those that take a full two years to recover, if not more. I don't know what it is about me and my body that made my experience so difficult. I hope some day science will have an answer for it. Meanwhile, I will continue to cherish the life I have and keep creating art. I'll maybe post an update here if I feel like it. Best wishes to you guys, and thanks for sharing your stories. It helped me not feel so alone.